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Hello again, Justin Houston here to bring you live thoughts on this week’s WWE PPV, Hell in a Cell! The event features two HIAC contests: Randy Orton versus Sheamus for the WWE Title and Kane taking on his brother The Undertaker for the World Heavyweight Title. This event takes place fourteen days after their last PPV, so you know that everyone will be well-rested and looking to put their best foot forward! Play me off, Ron Livingston!
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1. U.S. Title Submissions Count Anywhere Match: Daniel Bryan© vs. The Miz vs. John Morrison
I don’t care what the fools say, “Ride of the Valkyries” is gonna be huge for Bryan. Or they’ll pull the plug by the next PPV. One or the other. Holy mother, Bryan’s not in the standard tights or his white leaf variants. Morrison & Bryan chase and get rid of Miz early, going hold for hold with one another using some nice mat submissions. Miz breaks up a Bryan heel hook and focuses on Morrison. John locks on a tarantula and Bryan hits a dropkick and locks on Cattle Mutilation! Miz gets free, but Bryan fires back with stiff kicks and a heel hook once again! Fans chant for Miz to tap as the two trade seated kicks. Morrison breaks it up with Starship Pain and locks on the Haas of Pain! God bless Striker: he calls Cattle Mutilation accurately and the other guys make fun of him. He called it Haas of Pain and he’ll probably be chastised for it. Miz breaks it up but Morrison dumps him and hits a corkscrew plancha! Miz manages to dump his former partner over the barrier and they fight on the outside through the crowd. Miz locks on a modified Dragon Sleeper using the guardrail for leverage but Bryan stops it. Daniel tries for the LeBell but Miz stops it and tosses him through a weak barricade. Morrison hits a Flash Kick on Bryan but Miz runs John over with a stage crate! Miz tosses Bryan on top and shoves him into the ramp. Morrison tries a modified choke on Miz but he takes the Skull Crushing Finale on the floor! Bryan goes for the LeBell, Miz turns it into a full nelson lock but the both get knocked down by clotheslines. Morrison climbs the decorative scaffolding! SPLASH OFF THE SCAFFOLDING! Helluva match to open the show here. Morrison locks on a cloverleaf variant on Miz and wrenches back, but Riley interferes! Bryan takes out Riley but Miz low blows him! Bryan locks on the LeBell Lock at the top of the ramp! Bryan is wrenching back…MIZ TAPS! BRYAN WINS! RIDE OF THE FUCKING VALKYRIES! Afterwards, Cole awesomely gives “American Dragon” some love for tapping his boy out twice…then calls him a nerd. Do I even need to say it? This was fucking great and made me almost forget that, as I sit in my computer chair, I am suffering from horrible back pain. For real. As Miz would say, this was really good. What? He says that all the time…
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2. WWE Title Hell in a Cell Match: Randy Orton© vs. Sheamus
This is going on second? Really? A fucking HIAC match is going on second on a WWE card? Okay then. Fans chant “RKO” as the two men lock up. Cole says there have “only” been twenty HIAC matches. Orton & Sheamus go back and forth with Randy clotheslining him outside. Orton stays in control back inside but Sheamus hits a nice slingshot shoulderblock to gain control. Sheamus counters a whip, sending Orton crashing into the cell and clotheslining him on the rebound. Orton dodges a stair attack, snaps Sheamus’s arm across the poll, rams him into the cage and few times and decks him with the stairs! Orton covers inside! 1…2…Sheamus kicks out. Orton goes for a suplex but Sheamus sends him to the apron, where he charges and sends Orton crashing into the cage. Cover inside gets two for Sheamus. THEY HEAD TO THE TOP! FLAMING BASBEBALL BAT! Just kidding. I’m bored already. Sheamus continues to work over Orton and…he takes the cover off the turnbuckle…in a fucking Hell in a Cell. YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY STEEL, CASPER. Randy is taking his beating admirably I guess. Outside, Sheamus hits a nice reverse suplex across the steps on Orton. Sheamus covers inside. 1…2…Randy kicks out. Sheamus continues to work the mid-section, taking away the Five-Star Crossbody from his arsenal. Oh, this isn’t 2002? If you say so. Orton battles back with a backdrop and a dropkick sending Sheamus into the exposed turnbuckle, injuring his left arm. Orton hits his Viper Series followed by a belly-to-belly suplex! 1…2…Sheamus kicks out. Orton fights out of the Irish Cruse, hits the backbreaker goes for the RKO! Sheamus counters with a running knee to the gut. He brings the steel steps into the ring but Orton nails a powerslam on the ring steps! 1…2…Sheamus kicks out! Orton goes for the Hanging DDT onto the steps, but Sheamus counters. Orton manages to hit one from the apron to the floor instead! Sheamus runs Orton into the ringpost and tosses him back in. He drags Orton onto the top of the steps in the ring…Irish Curse. A backbreaker over the knee…on steel steps. Whatever. BROGUE KICK! 1…2…Orton kicks out! Sheamus brings in a steel chair and goes to town on the champion and covers. 1…2…Orton kicks out again. Sheamus says he’s going to take Orton’s head off with the chair, but this is PG so…RKO TO SHEAMUS! Sheamus rolls out so he can’t be covered. Orton sets up for the Punt Kick on the floor…he misses! A SECOND BROGUE KICK! He rolls Orton in and covers. 1…2…ORTON KICKS OUT! Sheamus calls for the High Cross from on top of the steps, but Orton drops him with a double leg takedown. Sheamus tries again…RKO ONTO THE STEPS! 1…2…3! Orton retains his title against the guy who needed a win more. Super. For a PG HIAC, this wasn’t completely useless…but c’mon. How is this supposed to work? They smartly didn’t work Randy’s back so the finish didn’t look completely stupid and both guys worked their butts off. As a regular hardcore-style match, this would be aces. As is, this gets only the slightest of passes from me. Randy climbs to the top of the cage to celebrate, reminding us that the roof on the cell hasn’t had a purpose in a really long time. Super Duper.
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~ The NXT Season 3 Divas are interviewed backstage. Why, you ask? To give Nexus someone to intimidate. Wade Barrett says that he’s not worried about the stipulation that Nexus can’t interfere or about losing the match. In fact, he has a gift for John Cena: a Nexus armband.
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~ We are graced with the presence of Alberto “Bradshaw” Del Rio. He gets a gold shower, his Spanish announcer pimps him on the mic and King asks if he can press one for English. He says some shit about helping the audience in taking out Rey Mysterio months ago. He asks who is next. He gets an answer: IT’S EDGE! “The Rated R Superstar” says he’s waging a war against stupidity and he’s got his sights set on Del Rio. They go back and forth but Jack Swagger interrupts, still fuming that Edge interrupted him on Smackdown! last Thursday. Swagger & Alberto beat down Edge and the lights flicker. The Raw GM says that it’s Edge vs. Swagger RIGHT NOW!
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3. Impromptu Grudge Match: Edge vs. Jack Swagger
Edge takes down Swagger early but Swagger counters, continuing his assault on Edge’s ribs. He hits a big gutbuster on Edge and covers. 1…2…Edge gets the shoulder up. Edge hits the modified bulldog for two. Swagger goes for the Ankle Lock but Edge shoves him away and hits the Mat Slam. 1…2…Swagger kicks out and goes for the Ankle Lock again! It’s on, but Edge grabs the ropes. He dumps Swagger to the floor but Swagger grabs a leg and locks on the Ankle Lock on the floor. Edge counters Jack, sending him into the steps. Edge tosses him back inside and heads to the top. Swagger greets him there but gets shoves off. Missile Dropkick! 1…2…Swagger kicks out. Edge heads to the top again but Swagger catches him this time with an Avalanche Belly-to-Belly Suplex! 1…2…Edge kicks out and Swagger is bleeding badly from the mouth. Swagger goes for the Vader Bomb but Edge counters into the Implant DDT! Spear…countered! SWAGGER BOMB! 1…2…EDGE KICKS OUT! They botch an enzuigiri and it looks like it legit hurts Edge. Ankle Lock applied, but Edge escapes! SPEAR! 1…2…3! Edge gets the victory against Swagger. This was fairly heatless, but I like both guys a lot so I had a good time watching I guess.
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~ Another Nexus promo with David Otunga saying he’s gotta plan. Oh shit. He’s…thinking. No one tell Barrett. Everyone is rightfully scared at the prospect of Otunga fucking thinking.
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4. Cena Loses, He Joins Nexus; Barrett Loses, Nexus Is Done: John Cena vs. Wade Barrett
Not looking forward to this one, folks. They grapple to a stalemate to start things off. Cena’s actual doing some Wrestling 101 here, with an early hip toss and an awkward dropkick. Wade beats Cena down, but Cena comes back with fists of his own. Attitude Adjuster attempt and Nexus comes out to interfere. Barrett drops Cena and argues with his soldiers at ringside, ordering them to stay away. Barrett drop Cena with some power moves and heads north. Elbow drop off the top! 1…2…Cena kicks out. Cena starts the Superman Series, but Barrett cuts him off with a neckbreaker for two. Crowd is split 50-50 for both guys and they are extremely loud. Wade continues his assault on Cena’s back, setting up for Wasteland and taking away the AA. Cena battles out and hits the Superman Series! Nexus surrounds the ring as Cena calls for the AA. Big Show is out! The Raw & Smackdown locker rooms empty, taking out Nexus! Cena applies the STF, but Barrett battles out! Pumphandle Slam! 1…2…Cena kicks out. Cena with a fucking gordbuster for two of his own. Where the hell did that come from? AA attempt again, but it’s turned into a butterfly suplex. 1…2…Cena gets the shoulder up again. Cena charges into a Swinging Sideslam! 1…2…Cena kicks out. Barrett goes for the elbow drop again but Cena moves and head to the top. Barrett stops him and gets on top himself but Cena pushes him down. Top Rope Leg Drop Bulldog! 1…2…Barrett kicks out. AA again, but Barrett counters! WASTLELAND! 1…2…Cena kicks out! If you’re keeping score, that’s two veterans kicking out of the finishers of two promising young guys. ATTITUDE ADJUSTER! 1…2…BARRETT KICKS OUT! Cena goes for the STF and locks it on! Wade has a long way to go! He’s going to tap! A fan jumps in the ring as someone from the crowd attacks Cena! Barrett covers! 1…2…3! Cena is now a member of Nexus and I could not be more baffled & disappointed. On the replay, it was clearly that fat fucking waste of lineage Husky Harris who struck Cena. The interferer was probably Michael McGillicutty then. Fuck this shit. That was a pretty fun match until that horseshit “ending”. Nexus was bad enough, now they’re adding two of the worst guys from season 2 of NXT? FUCK. THIS. SHIT. I’m talking about the match and Husky Harris. This is how they should’ve used Alex Riley & Eli Cottonwood: a big, smart talker and big, dumb muscle really adding something to the Nexus. Instead, it’s Fat Bastard and McG.
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~ We are treated to a Paul Bearer interview backstage. He says he has a plan of his own, not unlike Kane’s plan. Everybody’s got fucking plans tonight.
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5. Unified Divas Title: Michelle McCool© vs. Natalya
Halftime: Bears 0, Giants 3. Natalya wins via DQ thanks to a tossed shoe, but really, NOBODY WINS. My back hurts, okay, you ingrates? OKAY?!
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6. World Heavyweight Title Hell in a Cell Match: Kane© vs. The Undertaker
Kane attacks before the bell rings, but he gets a chair kicked into his face and thrown into the cage. The bell rings and the match officially begins. Taker hits snake eyes, the big boot and a leg drop for an early two, Kane starts beating his brother down with the chair and working him over in the corner. Undertaker takes the fight outside, utilizing the steel cage and ring steps to do damage. Kane reverses Undertaker into the ring steps and targets his brother’s left leg with a steel chair. Kane is decimating his leg on the outside and he having trouble standing upright inside the ring. Undertaker regains control but Kane dropkicks the leg out from under him inside the ring. The two trade strikes and Taker hits the diving clothesline and sets up for Old School but Kane just clips the bad leg out from under him. Kane goes to the top…Superplex! Kane heads north again! Flying Clothesline! He covers–HELLS GATE! Kane is in trouble, but he wiggles free outside and gets out of it. Both men hit big boots and both sit up, trading big right hands! DDT from The Undertaker! 1…2…Kane kicks out. CHOKESLAM ON KANE! 1…2…Kane kicks out again. Last Ride, but Kane turns it into a chokeslam! 1…2…Undertaker kicks out. Three corner splashes on Taker and he gets some right hands…LAST RIDE ON KANE! 1…2…KANE KICKS OUT! Undertaker wants to end it with the Tombstone, but Kane reverses like at “Night of Champions”! TOMBSTONE ON UNDERTAKER! 1…2…NO! TAKER KICKS OUT! Kane snaps and punches the ref. They open the door to help him out and bring in the new ref, and Bearer sneaks in. Kane stalks him and Bearer is in the ring now. Kane is intimidating him, threatening to beat him down. Undertaker sits up! CHOKESLAM TO KANE! Taker calls for the end! The lights flicker, lighting strikes and fire breathes from the entrance way! A light from the urn blinds Undertaker and the lights go back to normal. Bearer gives the urn to Kane, who decks Taker with it. Chokeslam from Kane. 1…2…3. Kane retains the belt in the weirdest fucking ending to a match I’ve seen in a long, long time. What the fuckity hippo shit was that supposed to be? Why did it be? Is this 1998? Break out Vince McMahon’s fucking teddy bear already.
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Overall Thoughts
Can you buy a third of a PPV? No? Then don’t waste your money. The opener was awesome and easily the best part of the show. Orton/Sheamus was a good match and Cena/Barrett was okay, too, albeit with a terrible finish. Compared to the main event’s finish though, it came off looking like a stroke of genius. Seriously, whatever that ending was supposed to be…it wasn’t. The match itself wasn’t great either. Edge/Swagger was fine for what it was and the Diva’s match…FLASHLIGHT URN. I’m hurt and confused and I don’t know what to say. FLASHLIGHT URN.
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Husky Harris was one of the worst NXT season 2 guys?! Are you serious? Other than Low Ki, he’s the only one who brought ANYTHING to the table.
I know I’m not alone in appreciating the Physical pain as well as the emotional pain you went through in watching this PPV. I gotta agree that this was a meh last part of a PPV. And the review certainly wasn’t, ” acidic. Vitriolic. Cancerous. or Half-assed.”
Hahaha, you got me there. The show started off really well so I think it softened me.
Let’s play a game of “Good, Bad & Dangerous” involving the NXT Season 2 guys.
GOOD: Kaval, Riley, Watson ~ Only Kaval showed to be the complete package. Riley & Watson had huge holes but were quite entertaining.
BAD: McGillicutty, Cottonwood, O’Neil, Cannon ~ Varying degrees of bad here but not one could cut even the simplest promo.
DANGEROUS: Harris ~ He was a stumbling, reckless, botch-a-minute bottom feeder. A unique character, but ultimately a colossal failure.
I can’t imagine anyone who bought this that was happy they did by the end. Can’t decide which ppv end was worse this year, Flashlight Urn or TNA’s Hole In The Ring fiasco at Destination X.
Thanks Justin for saving me some money.
I’m glad Cena is a part of Nexus as that should give Raw something to work with, but it should of been a clean win.
Watson in the good? Really? He was greener than Grinch shit and had a gimmick best described as Urkel With Muscles. And what botches are you talking about? Were you watching this show from an alternate universe? I admit he looks like Dusty Rhodes’s third boy, but Harris clearly has IT. If you can’t see it…well, you clearly look for completely different things in wrestlers than I do.
“WHAT BOTCHES”?! Not once did he hit a fucking back senton correctly until he was on RAW, long after he had proved to be useless. He had several exchanges with Kaval, including the NXT 2 finale debacle, where he was just there to get his fat ass over and toss the more talented guy around like he gave less than two fucks about Kaval’s safety. He stumbled in EVERY PROMO. Why do you think they had him stop talking near the end? So if “it” means being a danger to fellow wrestlers, drawing X-Pac Heat and having the idiots in the back behind you…Husky Harris is a pile of “it”.
As for Mr. Watson, he admittedly got worse as the show wore on, but he was decent in the ring and had infectious energy to boot. His gimmick is quite strange, but he makes it work. He’s obviously a couple years away from being anywhere near a title scene, but he showed promise, he wasn’t actively bad and he certainly wasn’t dangerous.
Thanks for the comment! I agree about the clean win for two reasons: Nexus desperately needs to look stronger and I don’t want to watch Husky & McGillicutty on RAW.
What in the hell are you talking about? He hit the best sentons I’ve ever seen in a major promotion. Most guys just roll the back of their head on the opponent-he actually lands with his back, which is, y’know, the whole point. He was drawing tons of heel heat, so, a second time, I don’t know what you’re talking about. And lastly, nobody cuts a decent promo in the WWE, so, big whoop. And as far as throwing Ki around goes…little guy wrestling big guy in the WWE-what the hell did you think was gonna happen? These guys are trained for that, and besides, if anybody could take that, Ki could-dude’s gotten pummeled by Samoa Joe, Necro Butcher, and he’s wrestled in Japan, a place known primarily for being stiff as hell. You’re off your rocker.
Clearly this argument’s going nowhere. I see a reckless, privileged kid where you see a talented, hard-working future superstar. Only time will give us an answer. To his credit, Harris clearly elicits a strong response one way or another, and that’s a HUGE part of becoming a mainstay on the WWE roster. Thanks for this really spirited back-and-forth!
Well, I apologize for saying you’re off your rocker. Nothing personal really. I listened to that radio show where you were talking about the YLC tournament this year, and interestingly enough, I agreed with everything you said there! This site is on my watch list!