WWE PPV Review: Royal Rumble

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Hello folks, Justin Houston here again! Remember when I wrote in my last WWE PPV Review that I figure, and I quote, “why do another PPV review if it’s just gonna be downhill from here? I’m going out on top, baby!” Well, I had a change of heart. Literally. My new heart is a HUGE mark for rest holds and cheap pops. Also, my editor demanded that I continue to do this. Demanded by asking…or maybe I just said okay. The point is that, until we find someone as willing to do these as I am, I’m here forever. Yaaaaaay. Anyway, it’s the Royal Rumble tonight so that means boatloads of filler and one long-ass match to see who heads to the main event of WrestleMania XXVII for a shot at the title! Read more words below!
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~ Striker, Lawler and Coleslaw are in the booth tonight. I’m so sick of each and every one of those guys.
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1. World Heavyweight Title: Edge© vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero

Remember: Edge can’t use the Spear because Vickie said he can’t. If he does, he will be disqualified and Dolph will be champion. Please oh please bring back the Electric Chair Drop, Edge! Just for tonight! Edge’s pyro doesn’t go off during his entrance. Off to an awesome start here. Vickie comes out and explains what I just explained. Ziggler comes out looking, as usual, like Dracula’s negative. WHOA! There’s a “Congratulations YAMATO” sign in, like, the third row! Nice! Edge takes the early advantage with a couple of pinfall attempts. Dolph gets the advantage and locks on a grounded headlock as the fans get behind Edge big time. Edge slingshots Ziggler and covers for two. Neckbreaker from Dolph gets him two as well. Zigs goes back to the headlock and fans once again cheer loudly for Edge. He hits his huge leaping elbow drop for two and launches Edge outside into the barricade. Back inside, it’s yet another headlock on Edge. The two men run the ropes and collide with crossbodies. They stagger to their feet and Edge moves, sending Dolph crashing into the turnbuckle. Ziggler hits a seated chinbreaker! 1…2…Edge kicks out. He goes for the Fameasser and Edge turns it into a sit-out powerbomb! 1…2…Zigs kicks out. Edge heads north and Zigs meets him. Edge knocks him down and hits a crossbody but Dolph counters! 1…2…Edge kicks out! Ziggler hits a dropkick for another two. Crowd is more split now as to who they’re behind. Edge blocks the Zig-Zag and locks on the Edgecator! Dolph eventually gets to the ropes, dodges a flying attack and hits the Fameasser! 1…2…Edge kicks out! Edge with a big boot and he calls for the spear. He realizes that he can’t so he has to think of something else…but Ziggler goes for the sleeper! Counter into the Implant DDT! 1…2…Vickie pulls the referee outside! She distracts Edge, who dodges an attack and gets an O’Connor Roll for two! Kelly Kelly comes out and beats down Guerrero for some reason! ZIG ZAG TO EDGE! 1…2…NO! Edge gets the shoulder up! Dolph locks on the sleeper and Edge fades. Edge gets to his feet, accidentally knocks out the referee and hits a chinbreaker. The crowd informs Edge that both Vickie and the ref are out! He sets up for the spear! HE CONNECTS ON ZIGGLER! He then feigns like he’s still out until the ref wakes up. He grabs Dolph and plants him with the Killswitch! 1…2…3! Edge retains once again as Guerrero wakes up. She is LIVID. Well that was pretty damn awesome.  I don’t like making comparisons to Eddie Guerrero but Dolph has the same ability to make a headlock seem important. It surely helped that the crowd was WAAAY into everything. Take note indy bookers: THAT is how you overbook a match and still have a satisfying ending.
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~ The Miz and Alex Briefcase cut a promo backstage. Guess we’re already getting the WWE Title Match!
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2. WWE Championship: The Miz© w/ Alex Riley vs. Randy Orton

Orton enters to a huge pop and Miz enters largely to indifference. Yikes. Cole is just as annoying as ever on commentary. There have been three WWE Title changes in Boston: Austin/Michaels at WrestleMania XIV, The Rock winning it during a six-man at King of the Ring 2000 and Edge beating Triple H and Vladimir Kozlov at Survivor Series 2008. Talk about a mixed bag. Orton hammers Miz in the corner, dumps him outside into the guardrails and clotheslines him. Back inside, Orton works over Miz with punches and uppercuts. Crowd is dead right now. Miz distracts the ref and Riley attacks Orton. Miz get control thanks to yet another helping hand from Riley. This is sucking wind. Miz hits the corner lariat and covers. 1…2…Orton kicks out. No one cares. More Riley interference and a high five from Cole. This is awful. Orton fights out of a headlock but eats a knee. I’m barely even watching this now. I’ve actually chosen to rename some files I’ve been meaning to get to instead of watching this. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic: the jelly bean is neither made of jelly nor is it a bean. Discuss. Orton hits a superplex and covers. 1…2…Miz kicks out. Perhaps a shout-out to his pops there? They brawl and Orton hits the modified backbreaker. He looks for the Hangman DDT but Miz dumps him outside. Riley beats down Orton on the outside. Miz works over Randy’s back and covers inside for two. Miz head to the top and hits a crappy double axe handle for two. Another two off of…punches. Orton is dumped and goes for a powerbomb on the outside. Miz counters with a slingshot into the post. Referee counts Orton out on the outside and Randy makes it in at eight, unloading on the Miz. Viper Series, Garvin Stomp and a leaping knee. 1…2…Miz kicks out. Orton goes for the powerbomb and Riley distracts him. Miz drops him with the backbreaker / neckbreaker combo. 1…2…Orton kicks out. They trade counters and Randy hits the Olympic Slam. 1…2…Miz kicks out and bails. He grabs the belt and Orton stops him from leaving. Baby DDT to Orton! 1…2…Orton gets the shoulder up. Crowd is still pretty disinterested. Orton hits the Hangman DDT and calls for the RKO! Oh what the hell…The NEW Nexus comes out. Riley sneaks in and he gets tossed over the top onto Nexus! RKO TO MIZ! CM Punk is here! GO 2 SLEEP TO ORTON! Punk drags Miz atop Orton, it’s a three count and once again Cole cheers widely for his buddy, completely unchecked by his colleges. Miz is still champ. Riley took an amazing bump and Punk was awesome at the end. Everything else was hot garbage. Awful, awful match. Miz needs that title off his waist NOW. Orton…is unfixable at this point. He sucks. He’ll always suck.
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~ We get Todd Grisham reading a statement from Cody Rhodes, who still suffers from a broken nose thanks to a Rey Mysterio tiger feint. Good to know.

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3. WWE Divas Title Handicap Match: Natalya© vs. Michelle McCool & Layla

They go to start but the Anonymous General Manager chimes in. The computer says he gets complaints about how annoying Cole is and doesn’t want anymore grief. He changes it to a Fatal Four-Way Match between those three and Eve. No one cares one bit.

3. WWE Divas Title Fatal Four-Way Match: Natalya© vs. Michelle McCool vs. Layla vs. Eve

Lay-Cool double teams Eve and Natty. Eventually, they are left alone against one another. WILL THEY MAKE OUT?!?!?! Of course they do. Natty trips up Layla and everything breaks down. Natalya locks on a double sharpshooter to Layla & Eve but Michelle breaks it up. Eve is dumped hard and Lay-Cool gets taken to task by Natty. Discuss corner clothesline to Layla and she goes for a powerslam. Michelle accidentally boots Layla, Eve dumps Natty and she crashes onto Layla with a nice moonsault! Michelle also has a roll-up but the official counts it for Eve! 1…2…3! Eve is the NEW Divas Champion! What could I say here? It was yet another screwball finish, but it wasn’t that bad.
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~ Daniel Bryan, with Gail Kim, says that anything can happen in the Royal Rumble. The Bella Twins interrupt and toss some casual insults. Apparently, Gail & Daniel are dating? Did I miss something? It’s a cat fight and it goes on for a little too long. Cole then buries the segment. How does he still have a job doing this shit? Whatever. This show has not convinced me to go to ‘Mania, that’s for sure.
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4. The 40-Man Royal Rumble Match

This is going to be the death of me, I know it. I ain’t exactly light on my fingers at the keyboard. I, uh…I suck at typing. Hope this comes out legible. Punk is out at number one! Uh…The Corre’s music hits and they surround the ring. Nexus comes out and they brawl before the Rumble even starts. The Anonymous General Manager chimes in and tells them to stop. GM says that CM Punk is allowed in and everyone else has to leave. Failure to leave will lead to a DQ for whoever doesn’t oblige. What a stupid way to start this. Punk chants and…DANIEL BRYAN IS OUT AT NUMBER TWO! YES! Bryan lands a big kick and hits a nice flying elbow. He tries to dump Punk but he fails. Dueling chants for both guys as Bryan hits a sick springboard dropkick. Justin Gabriel is out at three. He brawls with Punk and heads north for the 450 Splash! He misses! Bryan backdrops Gabriel outside! He gets the first elimination! AAAHHH! Zack Ryder is out at four. Somewhere, Kevin Ford is a very happy man. Bryan dumps Ryder and he’s got TWO eliminations! Stiff kicks to Punk as William Regal enters! Punk, Bryan & Regal in the same ring! Regal is killing them with knees and suplexes. He hits the knee trembler on Punk and trades uppercuts with Bryan! THIS IS AWESOME! Roundhouse to Regal from Punk! Roundhouse to Punk from Bryan! Ted DiBiase is out at six. Ted is showing some impressive offense. Bryan kicks away at Regal very hard and finishes with a buzzsaw. John Morrison is out at seven! He is a house of fire! Flash Kick to Punk! Flipping Uranage to Bryan! Morrison is knocked off the apron but he catches the guard! HOLY S***! He walks across the top and jumps back into the ring! WOW! Regal is dumped by DiBiase as Yoshi Tatsu enters and things slow down a bit. Husky Harris is number nine and he’s protecting Punk with his life. Tatsu & Bryan trade kicks on Teddy. Chavo Guerrero out at ten. He finally manages to hit hits rolling suplexes on Bryan after getting interrupted each attempt before that. Mark Henry is number eleven and he dumps both Chavo & Tatsu. Friggin’ JTG is twelve and the crowd’s dying a little.  Action’s really stalled now. Lucky thirteen is Mike McGillicutty, who eliminates JTG with a dropkick. Nexus is now three strong in there and The Corre is already down one guy. McGillicutty & Husky eliminate Ted as Chris Master enters the fray. He immediately targets the Nexus, locking the Master Lock onto Punk! He almost eliminates him, too. Nexus comes to aid eventually. Uh oh. David Otunga is out now and they are on fire working as a unit. Punk eliminates Bryan & Masters and the entire Nexus fights to eliminate Morrison and Henry. Tyler Reks is out to face the entire Nexus, the only guys left inside. Punk dumps him quickly as he, McGillicutty, Harris & Otunga stand tall. Number seventeen is Vladimir Kozlov and he’s beaten down, too. Another elimination for Punk. R-Truth is out and meets the same fate. Number nineteen is The Great Khali! This might be a bit more difficult for Nexus. Khali beats them down and eliminates Harris! Punk pleads for his life and eats a brain chop. Number twenty is out and it’s Nexus reinforcements! Mason Ryan is number twenty! He eliminates The Great Khali! Nexus is still standing tall!
Twenty one is…BOOKER T! OH MY! The crowd goes crazy! Axe kick to Otunga! Book End to McGillicutty! SPINAROONI! Stryker is losing it. Booker almost dumps Punk but gets caught from behind and Ryan eliminates him. That was incredible. Can twenty two, my personal lucky number, topple the Nexus? CENA IS TWENTY TWO! Low bridge and Ryan is gone! DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE TO THE OTHER CRONIES! Punk is all alone now! They brawl and a double clothesline puts both guys down. Hornswoggle is #23! He mocks Punk and eats a boot. Punk looks for the GTS on Cena but Cena reverse into an AA over the top! Cena has eliminated Nexus. Tyson Kidd is out and Hornswoggle give him a headscissors! AA from Cena and now Hornswoggle wants a chance! ATTITUDE ADJUSTER FROM HORNSWOGGLE TO KIDD! Cena dumps him and Heath Slater comes out. Superman Series followed by a Stunner from Hornswoggle. Double five knuckle shuffle! Tadpole Splash! Slater is dumped and Cena is up to, like, six eliminations. Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston is out now. Jack Swagger is out next at 27. Horny is on fire with his impersonations tonight. King Sheamus is number twenty eight! Irish Cruse to Cena and he spots Horny. He shoves him down and Horny calls for Sweet Shin Music. It connects! Hornswoggle looks for the Tadpole Splash and Sheamus gives him the Brogue Kick to eliminate him. Rey Mysterio out now killing everyone with ranas and headscissorseses. He eliminates Swagger with a 619 to Jack on the apron and Barrett comes out at 30. Wade drops Cena with a swinging sideslam. Dolph Ziggler, pulling double duty, is the historic number thirty one. Number 32 is…DIESEL! The look on Kofi’s face is awesome. He is laying out everyone now. Nash is still in incredible shape. Oh geez. Drew McIntyre is out now as a “Let’s go, Diesel!” chants fills The Boston Garden. Mysterio nails Diesel with a 610 and they boo him! Has Mysterio EVER been booed?! Alex Riley is 34! Barrett eliminates Diesel! Ugh, Miz on now on commentary. Big Show is thirty five and he has a nice stare down with Diesel. Commentary is breaking down and becoming damn near unbearable. Show tosses Dolph and Ezekiel enters at 36. McIntyre is eliminated and Big Zeke takes out Big Show! Number 37 is Santino Marella! YAY! He immediately attacks Sheamus and eats a Brogue Kick, rolling under the ropes to the outside. Alberto Del Rio is in at thirty eight, leaving only two spots open. Apparently Riley’s been eliminated. Who cares. ORTON IS 39! He beats the hell out of Del Rio to start and plants RKOs on Del Rio, Sheamus and Kofi, eliminating the last two. Cena & Orton stare each other down and circle each other. The finale entrant into the 2011 Royal Rumble is…KANE! Left inside: Kane, Orton, Del Rio, Cena, Mysterio, Barrett and Ezekiel. Kane low bridges Zeke and eliminates him. Kane catches Mysterio in mid-air but Rey turns into a huracanrana! Kane is eliminated! DEL RIO ELIMINATES MYSTERIO FROM BEHIND! Cena barely hangs on against Barrett as Orton stomps away at Alberto. Orton & Cena trade strikes and Barrett picks apart Cena and turns his attention to Orton. Cena is distracted by Alex Riley and The Miz eliminates him. Wow, what an awful choice there. More stupid screwjob nonsense. It’s down to Barrett, Del Rio and Orton. Viper Series on both guys from Orton. Crowd is almost dead now. Barrett is awkwardly eliminated by Orton and then he gets eliminated by Del Rio! He is going to…wait! Santino was never eliminated! COBRA STRIKE! He goes to toss him out but Del Rio reverses and Santino is gone. Alberto Del Rio wins the 2010 Royal Rumble in lackluster fashion.
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Overall Thoughts

A four match PPV?! FOUR?! Once again, we get an awesome opener. Edge/Ziggler, even with the screwy stipulation, was great fun. Miz/Orton was a catastrophe. I would wonder whether Orton was planned to win the Rumble and they balked last second if not for the Santino stuff at the end. Come to think of it, The Cobra on The Viper would’ve been epic! Anyway, the Divas match…was fine. It was there. It was mildly engaging, I give it that. Now, on to the Royal Rumble. The first fourth of this match was electric. The second fourth had very smart storytelling. The third fourth was incredibly fun. The final fourth was atrocious. Horrid. Pleasure-killing. Boner-shrinking. We had: a phantom Alex Riley elimination, Miz on commentary, Orton doing his best Cena impression, a Riley return, a Miz screwjob on Cena, an abysmal & embarrassing ending sequence and a final tease of something that would have truly put the WWE back in may good graces. I’m left frustrated and bitter that this year’s Rumble, which started out so magnificently, ended so poorly. The same could be said about the whole PPV to be honest. Edge/Ziggler is well worth a watch, as is the first three quarters of The Royal Rumble Match. Just stop watching when Diesel gets eliminated. It’s all downhill for there.
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As always, I apologize for any typos or Freudian slips that make this either hard to read or uncomfortable to think about. I am a poor typer with an overactive mind. Sometimes, things just don’t come out right. Forgive me…or ultimately perish with unnecessary judgment congesting your very soul. The choice is yours.

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