This week: It’s July 4th (in the same way that shows taped weeks in advance can be ‘Christmas’ shows), so we come together to celebrate everything that’s great about America, like free speech, opportunity, allegiance, cultural diversity and of course Derrick Bateman. Plus, Cena and Vince speak their minds, The Fave Five: revealed, WWE’s newest odd couple: Evan and The Sarge and the first rule of wrestling: if you don’t want to end up with your face in a cake, don’t bring a cake to the ring then.
RAW
– With Punk suspended, they announced a three way for the number one contendership with guys who won last week, Rey, Truth and Del Rio. Cena kicked off the show in serious mood. No, really. Cena brought up Punk’s promo and suspension and said we’re now just supposed to ignore everything Punk’s done and pretend he never existed. Cena wasn’t down with this and said WWE’s decision “sucks”. He said Punk was suspended for speaking his mind. And although he understands it’s a PG show, what Punk says was aimed at him and he found nothing wrong with it. Cena asked where this all stopped. He brought up Daniel Bryan being fired for “being too aggressive” and WWE confiscating signs at shows. The crowd chanted “first amendment”. That’s a high achieving crowd. Usually “X is gonna kill you” is as smart as it gets. Cena wondered if he was going to be told how to dress next, or the audience would have to dress a certain way. Cena called out Vince and said he’d be here tonight. He promised to get answers in front of everyone, later. And he said he wanted to face Punk at Money In The Bank. Everybody knows this, but Cena really needs to be serious more often, because when he is he’s far more effective on promos.
– Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres d. The Bella Twins (Kelly pinned Nikki) in 3:15. The Bellas (or, to steal a joke, The Bellasota Wrecking Crew) worked over Eve’s arm. Kelly ran wild off the tag, including the stinkface. Eve took out Brie and Kelly pinned Nikki with a rocker dropper. This was fine.
– They did a promo video for Andy Levine and his “silent rage”. I like the idea of these, using the FCW trainers like Dusty and Steamboat to help get his character across.
– Truth was on the phone backstage with “Flo” talking about being a safe driver. Scott Stanford walked up and asked him about the triple threat match tonight. Truth said he should be number one contender already since he beat Cena and blamed the conspiracy. He said the good news was, he just saved on his car insurance by switching to Gieco. The bad news was, he was going to hurt someone tonight. Truth bumped into Del Rio and called him “Senor Jimmy”. Del Rio said it was his destiny to become the WWE Champion and gave Truth a wink.
– Michael McGillicutty and David Otunga d. Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov (McGillicutty pinned Santino) in 4:17. Santino feigned giving Otunga Sweet Chin Music, mocking him for what happened last week. The champions won after Otunga took the Cobra and the legal man McGillicutty capitalised with the fearsome swinging neckbreaker. I’ve officially seen this match enough times now. Luckily, after the match, Zack Ryder walked out and did his catchphrase. So, presumably, he’ll go after the titles now. Maybe. I don’t know.
– Scott Stanford interviewed Miz backstage and asked what his strategy would be against Riley. Miz said with Punk suspended, there was an opportunity to become WWE Champion. But he was missing out, because of Riley. Miz said he gave Riley an opportunity, but he would take Riley’s opportunity away tonight.
– They cut to the locker room where Evan Bourne and Sgt Slaughter, in his gear, were talking. That was an unexpected visual. Slaughter promised to lead everyone in the Pledge Of Allegiance since it was the 4th of July. Although, not when they taped this. Jack Swagger walked in and said he should be leading everyone in the Pledge instead. He brought up Sarge aligning with Iraq in 1991. Slaughter said everybody makes mistakes. Swagger challenged him to a match and Sarge accepted.
– Jack Swagger d. Sgt Slaughter in 1:07. They showed a video before the match of Jack Swagger’s Money In The Bank win and subsequent World Title victory. Sarge went for the Cobra Clutch but Swagger rammed his way out. Swagger laid him out with a clothesline and followed up with a Vader bomb for the quick win. Swagger put the ankle lock on afterwards and Evan ran in for the save. Sarge got to recite the Pledge in the end after all.
– #1 Contendership, Triple Threat: Alberto Del Rio d. R-Truth and Rey Mysterio by submission in 9:56. Is it me, or have they done a lot of #1 contender triple threats this year? At least four, by my count. Luckily they’ve all been at least good and this was no exception. Mostly a ‘two guys in, one guy out’ style of triple threat. Truth got hit with a doomsday style move in some unintentional teamwork from Rey and Del Rio. Truth later gave Del Rio a sunset flip, causing Del Rio to give Rey a german suplex. The finish saw Rey give Truth the 619 and the splash, but Del Rio snuck back in and put Rey in the cross armbreaker.
– They showed clips of Edge’s Money In The Bank win and a shot of him with the WWE Title.
– Dolph and Vickie were out to throw a 4th of July party. And, since Dolph is the United States Champion, Vickie said they were throwing Dolph a birthday party too. Hey, if the Queen can have two birthdays, why not? Vickie sung Happy Birthday to Dolph and the crowd were not impressed. Ziggler said he didn’t have a birthday wish, but he put himself over as the best sports entertainer in history. Which I’m sure made someone irrationally mad. He said there’d never be another Dolph Ziggler and claimed the US Title was the only title that matters so long as he held it. Kofi Kingston interrupted the party and wondered why he wasn’t invited. He claimed without Vickie in his corner, Dolph couldn’t beat him. Dolph told Kofi they used to be on the same level, but Dolph had left him in the dust and told Kofi to beat it. Kofi shoved Dolph and if you guessed Vickie was going to fall into the cake, congratulations. Kofi chased Dolph out, leaving Vickie to freak out in the ring.
– Alex Riley d. The Miz in 6:02. They did a Money In The Bank video for Miz, as well a recap video of the Miz-Riley feud which put Riley over. Much like their Capitol Punishment match, Miz beat on Riley for a large portion of the match. Riley fought back and eventually surprised Miz with a backslide. Afterwards, Miz snapped. He attacked Riley and beat him around ringside, laying him out with a boot over the announce table.
– A limo pulled up outside and Mr. McMahon arrived. Vince came out to address the Punk situation. And basically said “he deserved it”. He said anyone would have done the same thing in his shoes. It wasn’t about his ego, it was about what’s right for the fans. Vince told a story about Punk, as Punk wanted to about Vince, claiming Punk wanted more money, private jets, more merchandise, et cetera. Vince said CM Punk was a punk and said “we’ll see you next week”, very matter of factly.
– However, Cena came out. Cena said Vince was pro freedom of speech and Vince said that’s why Cena’s microphone was still working. Cena mocked Vince’s walk and told Vince he used to be a fighter. He said he took down Turner because he was a fighter, not a coward. But Punk said a few things that got under his skin and he suspended him. Cena asked what happened to Vince the fighter and asked if he’d gone soft. Cena said he was still ready to fight CM Punk, telling Vince if he didn’t want to fight anymore he should hang it up, “old man”. Vince admitted he suspended Punk because he couldn’t take a chance on Punk beating Cena and walking out with the WWE Title and vowed not to be embarrassed. Cena said he couldn’t guarantee beating Punk, but Punk earned the shot so it should happen. They ran over the stories around the Money In The Bank match, including referencing Punk being one of the extras for Cena’s entrance at Wrestlemania 22. Cena said it could be the biggest match of the year, but now it’s not going to happen. Cena asked what would happen if he said something that irritated Vince. Vince told Cena not to piss him off and said “don’t be Hogan”. Ouch. Cena told Vince his ego was getting in the way of what the people wanted and Vince said he didn’t give a damn. Vince said it wasn’t Cena’s company, it was his. Cena said he knew stars have come and gone but he busted his ass because the WWE Title meant something. Cena claimed if Punk was suspended, the WWE Title was already meaningless and handed the belt over before walking out. Vince yelled at Cena as he walked out, but suddenly stopped him. He walked up the ramp and said Punk would be reinstated and the match was on. But, if Punk walked out of Chicago with the title, Cena would be fired.
NXT
– Maryse brought the rookies out. This week was the Talk The Talk Challenge and… I swear they did this one already. This season has been so long they’re now repeating challenges. Striker asked them to talk about winning NXT. Darren complained about Bateman being in the final. Darren said he’d busted his butt for 17 weeks. My god, I had no idea it had been that long. He vowed to win without a pro. Titus said he didn’t care about Bateman being back, because he’d dominated all season. He “made it rain”. People still do that? Titus said whoever won would have to earn it and got the crowd to do the dog bark. Bateman claimed Titus had been badmouthing the Arizona football team backstage and everybody booed. He mocked Darren for blowing his Nexus opportunity. He then claimed he and Daniel Bryan were the best thing to happen to the internet since kitten videos and gave us a list of hashtags. I preferred #chicksandamerica myself. Crowd overwhelmingly said Titus won. Bateman got booed. An outrage.
– Tyson Kidd d. Yoshi Tatsu in 7:58. Rematch from last week. Tyson had the leg of Yoshi’s action figure on a chain around his neck. Yoshi looked good early until Tyson gave him a dropkick on the apron, sending him into the post. Yoshi countered a suplex and hit the flying heel kick but Tyson kicked out. A dropkick to the knee set up a swinging fisherman’s suplex for Tyson. Good match, crowd were into this.
– They showed a Derrick Bateman video, where he revealed since NXT season 4 he’d raised a new cat called Simon. He said he not only had a pro, but he had the greatest pro in the history of professionalism in Daniel Bryan.
– Hornswoggle had a makeshift bouquet of flowers (and other assorted items) which he gave to Maryse. Maryse patronised him a bit, then hit him with the flowers. Regal called her a “horrible cow”.
– Derrick Bateman and Daniel Bryan d. Darren Young and Titus O’Neil (Bateman pinned Young) in 6:21. The season long rookies joined up to face the latecomers. They explained here that Bateman was supposed to be a part of this season, but had an MCL injury. Titus and Young worked together on Bateman. Some miscommunication allowed Bateman to get the tag. Bateman ended up winning with a modified bulldog, which was basically a side headlock driver, if such a thing exists. And if it didn’t, it does now.
SUPERSTARS
– Zack Ryder d. Drew McIntyre in 5:24. I guess Zack is a babyface now. Zack used a pescado, which I’m not sure I’ve seen him do before. Drew suckered Zack in and swept him on the apron, face first. Then followed up with a sideslam on the apron which looked painful. Drew countered the Ruff Ryder with a seated powerbomb, but Zack kicked out. Zack then countered the DDT with a quick jacknife and stole an upset win. Solid enough match. Drew freaked out after the match.
– Alicia Fox d. Natalya in 8:45. Striker claimed you could tell Alicia was a great athlete because of the way she swings her hips whilst walking to the ring. He then compared Natalya to lego. I don’t even know. Natalya wound up pulling some of Alicia’s hair out. Presumably not her real hair. Which lead to lots of trash talk back and forth. Later, Alicia bit one of Natalya’s nails off in retaliation. Alicia caught Natalya with a hard kick and rolled her up for the pin. This was decent.
– Wade Barrett d. Don Gonzales in 2:19. Squash. Gonzales slapped Barrett, so Barrett killed him. And won with Wasteland. It’s been a while since we had a straight up enhancement squash on WWE TV.
The rest of the show was made up with Raw and Smackdown’s main angles being replayed. Slow week.
SMACKDOWN
– The Money In The Bank participants, aside from Sheamus, were in the ring to open the show. Josh asked Daniel Bryan about being in his first Money In The Bank. Bryan said he was excited and nervous and said he’d dreamed of being champion all his life. Cody snatched the microphone and called himself an exceptional person. He vowed to be World Champion and everyone would be forced to look him in the eye. Wade started to remind us of everything he’d achieved in the past 12 months. Suddenly, Sheamus hit the ring with a chair. Sheamus managed to hit a few, although a few like Cody and Sin Cara escaped.
– He took Barrett out with the chair and promised to win the ladder match, then cash in on Orton the same night. They replayed the punt from last month and Sheamus told Orton he didn’t kick him hard enough, because now he’s back. Christian interrupted and took exception to Sheamus thinking he wouldn’t win against Orton at Money In The Bank. Sheamus called him a “scrawny, malnourished, googly-eyed, homely weasel”. So Christian reminded Sheamus that he beat him a few weeks ago. He said since Sheamus tore the contract up, Christian was able to add another clause during the week where if Christian got screwed, he automatically wins the World Title outright. Christian asked Sheamus if he even knew how to read. Teddy Long came out and made Sheamus versus Orton.
– Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase d. Ezekial Jackson and Daniel Bryan (Ted pinned Zeke) in 6:19. Booker got a bag again this week. As things broke down, Dibiase escaped the torture rack and Cody caught Zeke with a springboard kick, setting him up for Dreamstreet and a surprise win. The surprise being, Ted won a match.
– Striker was with Mark Henry and asked him about what he did last week. He said there was a “potential criminal investigation”. Henry didn’t answer Striker’s question and just scared him off instead.
– Jinder Mahal d. Trent Baretta in 1:08. Khali did commentary. Yep, Khali. I’ll absolutely take him over Cole. By the time Khali got his headset fixed, Jinder had won with the full nelson slam. A shambles. Jinder gave Trent another one after the match, just because. Booker claimed Jinder has 60 wives, which saved this.
– Grisham asked Sheamus “what is with your recent rampage”. What a question. Sheamus told Grisham it was an Irish thing and he wouldn’t understand.
– AJ d. Tamina in 2:29. AJ came out to Natalya’s theme music. There’s literally no excuse for AJ coming out to someone else’s theme. Tamina overpowered AJ but AJ showed heart and won with a rollup. Tamina and Alicia argued after the match.
– Mark Henry d. Kane in 5:55. A big man match. They did big man things. Henry broke out of the chokeslam, but Kane escaped the World’s Strongest Slam and hit the chokeslam on the second attempt. However, Henry got his foot on the bottom rope. Kane tried to put Henry through the announce table but Henry fought him off and they went back inside. Henry finished Kane off with the World’s Strongest Slam. This was fine.
– Grisham interviewed Orton and asked why he agreed to the new stipulation in the contract. Orton said he was sick of Christian and he didn’t care what was in the contract, he was going to win. He told Sheamus be careful what you wish for and wished Sheamus good luck.
– Sin Cara d. Tyson Kidd in 4:19. Crowd chanted “Mexico” for Sin Cara. This didn’t look as sloppy as it was, if that makes sense. Cara won with the spanish fly. I worry for him in that ladder match though.
– Striker stopped Teddy Long backstage and asked what he was planning to do about Mark Henry. Teddy said he was waiting for the results and Striker asked if he was intimidated by Mark Henry. Teddy walked off without an answer.
– The Usos d. Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater (Jey pinned Gabriel) in 3:33. This was in the death spot on the show, by which I mean the spot in the show where Cole has completely given up and gotten enough material to mock Booker with. There was a double big boot to set up the hot tags. Gabriel went for the 450 and told Slater to drag the Uso into position. Slater got kicked off, crotching Gabriel. The Usos then hit the Power and Glory Powerplex for the win.
– Randy Orton d. Sheamus by DQ in 7:59. Christian came out and sat in on commentary. Orton went for the punt early and Sheamus bailed out. They brawled outside and Orton was sent into the barricade, then the ringpost. Christian went after Orton, but Sheamus warned him off. After that point Christian kept the headset off. As Orton started to fight back and set Sheamus up for the RKO, Christian then ran in for the disqualification. Christian attacked Orton, but Sheamus took him out with a Brogue Kick. Only for Orton to hit him with the RKO in turn.
Good news (well, I’ll let you be the judge of that). I now have a tumblr, like all the kids are doing. If you like inane random observations about WWE, in handy picture form, well, your luck’s in! http://wwetumblrverse.tumblr.com/
TOP 5: BOOKER T’S FAVE FIVE (in no particular order)
5. Sin Cara
4. Big Zeke
3. Drew McIntyre
2. Wade Barrett
1. and that boy Sheamus