This week: Look. No funny spiel this week. Just… go watch Money In The Bank. You can read this first if you want, that’d be appreciated. But, after that, go watch it. And preferably, pay for it.

RAW

– CM Punk was back this week. And over. Punk carried a megaphone with him and stole the production guy’s headset to ask for his microphone to not be switched off. Punk recapped last week’s show, saying it was okay if you didn’t watch because he wasn’t on it. He said he got in trouble for having the balls to say things that no-one else does. Punk said the company was filled with shameless ass kissers. But, now he’s reinstated and had a ‘back-up’ in case his microphone got cut again. Crowd started chanting for Punk. Punk claimed Vince wanted to sign him to a new contract and said it was funny Vince was bending over backwards to give him what he wanted, since all he ever wanted was the microphone. In his hands, it’s not just a microphone, it’s power. Punk claimed he was the hottest property in the industry. Crowd did not disagree. Punk said he made WWE socially relevant, to the real world. And that only happens for two reasons. One, CM Punk is talking and two, “somebody died”. Yikes. He claimed people from ESPN and Jimmy Kimmel were begging for his story. Punk said if he’d been treated as nicely by Vince in the past 5 years as he had with one foot out the door, he wouldn’t have so much ammunition. Punk offered Vince the chance to negotiate his contract in the ring later on. And maybe he’d sign, maybe he wouldn’t, or maybe Vince would have to join the CM Punk Kiss My Ass Club.

– A very unpopular John Cena finally interrupted. Punk told him, via the megaphone, his music was too loud. Punk thanked him for getting him reinstated, sort of. He vowed to change the way the WWE Title looked when he won it. Crowd started duelling “Let’s Go Cena / Cena Sucks” chants. During a promo. Punk brought up how Cena’s last ‘firing’ didn’t exactly last long and basically blew off the firing stipulation. Cena told Punk he’d have to go through him at Money In The Bank and he was treating him like a pushover. Punk said he was the best wrestler in the world. Cena said he made all his public appearances and ‘smiled for the camera’ because he loved doing it and he’s the best because he has the title and he earned it. Cena said a bunch of guys like HHH, JBL, Edge, Batista, Angle, Shawn and even Eddie Guerrero thought they were the best and none of them thought he could wrestle against them and he was able to hang with all of them. Cena promised to whip his ass in Chicago. The GM then e-mailed and told Cena he was competing, next. This ruled.

Two On One Handicap Match: John Cena d. Michael McGillicutty and David Otunga in 6:28. They actually said this could be Cena’s last match ever on Raw. They also suggested this match was made by the GM to appease Punk. Cena wasn’t nearly so unpopular here. Cole and Lawler actually did a good job selling the WWE Title storyline’s importance. Cena had McGillicutty in the STF, but Otunga broke it up. Cena managed to avoid a double team and pin McGillicutty with the Attitude Adjustment. Better than you’d think.

– They did an awesome Mark Henry video package.

– Vickie and Dolph were backstage and Dolph was gearing up to convince Vince to get rid of Punk and Cena, because he was the premiere superstar in WWE and could carry things as US Champion. Vickie was playing Vince and Dolph was practising what he was going to say. Drew walked in and did a Vince impression. Drew, Dolph and Vickie were all insulting Vince when who should walk up but Vince himself. Vince said they deserved to have the spotlight. And put them in a match with Big Show. Scott Stanford asked Vince what was going to happen later on with Punk, claiming “the entire world” wanted to know. Vince told “the entire world” to go to hell.

Kelly Kelly d. Melina in 1:42. The Bellas did commentary. They insulted her for being skinny and claimed her Maxim photos were photoshopped. Kelly won quick with the rocker dropper. The Bellas got in the ring after and insulted Kelly. Kelly attacked but it was two on one, so Eve came in for the save. They laid Eve out as well and left.

– Miz came out, doing a promo on top of a ladder. Miz said there was nothing better than looking down on everyone. He said he knew what it was like to win the WWE Title via Money In The Bank. And no-one else in the match had. He said he still had what it takes to be champion was still the future. Suddenly, Jack Swagger came out and reminded Miz he’d won Money In The Bank and the title as well. Miz asked if somebody cashes in Money In The Bank and nobody remembers it, did it really happen? Evan came out and said he was tired of hearing them talk about what they’d done and promised to steal the show on Sunday. Kofi came out… sense a pattern here? Kofi said if he wins, it’d be because of what he does on Sunday, not what he says here.

– Truth was out next, reminding everyone he beat Cena two weeks ago, but now he has to go through a ladder match. Truth said he had acrophobia. He said he was afraid of spiders too and didn’t want any of them in the ring Sunday either. He warned everyone there better not be a spider in the briefcase or there’d be trouble. Riley hit the ring and chased The Miz off. Del Rio then drove out and said it was a disgrace. He said he should be number one contender and claimed Cena was afraid of him. Del Rio promised to win. The GM e-mailed again and set up a six man tag.

The Miz, Jack Swagger and R-Truth d. Alex Riley, Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston (Riley pinned Swagger) in 7:43. The heel team worked on Bourne. Kofi got the tag, running wild on Truth, but he got cut off. Riley got the second hot tag and with everyone else out of the way, countered the Vader bomb and beat Swagger with the Implant DDT. Miz snuck in and hit the Skull Crushing Finale on Riley and the brawl continued between the six guys. Del Rio ran down and prevented Bourne hitting Air Bourne. Del Rio then took everyone out with a ladder and stood tall.

Two On One Handicap Match: Dolph Ziggler and Drew McIntyre versus Big Show ended by count out in 1:54. Show destroyed Drew as Dolph provided zero help. Show beat Drew up the ramp, leading to the count out. Drew got thrown into the big WWE logo, then went for a chokeslam off the stage. In the background, Mark Henry ran across the stage and Pounced Big Show in mid-move, causing all three to go flying off the stage. In fact, technically, they landed on a section which was the same height as the stage. But it still looked good enough that nobody crapped on it. So, safe and got a reaction. Good deal. We don’t need Show to be falling twenty feet. Except, apparently, Drew wasn’t supposed to go flying and didn’t land quite so safely. Luckily, he was okay.

– Mr. McMahon came out for the contract negotiations. Once he got the right pop, that is. On his way to the ring, he stopped and pointed at a Zack Ryder sign. How can you not love this man sometimes? Vince went around ringside and shook hands with Cena’s father, Cena Senior. Vince said he wasn’t going to be joining the CM Punk Kiss My Ass Club tonight. He said contracts shouldn’t be negotiated in public, but said that’s what Punk wanted. He brought Punk out and Punk did the walk. Vince offered a handshake but Punk declined. Vince was ready to sign, but Punk didn’t sit down. He said he expected Vince to come down with Cena’s shirt and armbands on, but now he saw that Vince had zero faith in Cena. Vince wanted Punk to sign for the right reasons. He said he couldn’t live with himself if Punk left with the title. He called him Phil and hey, since Punk started it, why not.

– Punk said he’d drawn up a new contract and his signature was already on it. But there were a few new perks. He asked the crowd if they wanted to hear them. Vince threatened Punk not to push him. Provision number one happened to be that Punk got to push Vince and he shoved him a couple of times. Punk said he’d kick Vince in the nuts and Vince would smile at him and like it, because if he doesn’t show him respect he’d leave. Punk wanted his own private jet. Two, he wanted his face on everything. The titantron, the turnbuckles, cups, posters, everything. He also wanted Vince to bring back the WWE ice cream bars. You wouldn’t believe how big of a pop the ice cream bars got. Punk joked that he’d just made Vince a million dollars in ice cream sales. Next, Punk wanted them to start shooting CM Punk: The Movie. He buried The Chaperone. And last, he wanted the Wrestlemania main event changed from Cena versus Dwayne to whatever his match was. Punk also wanted an apology for his suspension and for being a hypocrite. Punk wanted him to apologise for being “one of the biggest bullies” he’d ever met in his life. Punk brought up his friends being fired and told Vince he didn’t know what made a superstar in 2011. He blamed Vince for punishing people for actually liking professional wrestling, “guys like Colt Cabana, guys like Luke Gallows”. He wanted an apology, to him, for them.

– Vince told Punk to calm down and be gentlemen. Punk wanted his apology. Punk got tired of Vince and threw the table aside. Vince said he didn’t care what the people wanted and Punk told him “that’s the problem”. Where-as Punk cared too much. He admitted he was a bad guy, but he was in touch with the people and said they wanted an apology. Vince apologised, very quietly. So Vince yelled “I apologise, you son of a bitch”, which is technically still an apology I suppose. Punk celebrated like it was. Vince went to sign the contract as the crowd chanted “Colt Cabana” and “we want ice cream”.

– Suddenly Cena showed up. Cena said the people loved Punk and they’ll love him in Chicago, but he’ll be walking out on all of them on Sunday. Cena said they were both like spoilt kids. Cena admitted he hated Vince too, but he showed up for work every day, because the people paid to see him. He called Punk a hypocrite for pandering to the crowd and then leaving. Cena brought up Rock promising not to leave again and said he knew Punk wasn’t that guy. Cena told Punk he admired him, but he’d lost sight of what he was doing. Punk said he didn’t fit the mould and Cena had lost sight. He brought up being one of Cena’s extras at Wrestlemania, standing in a suit and thinking one day he’d beat Cena. Punk told Cena he’d lost sight and he wasn’t the underdog anymore, he was a dynasty now. He’d become the Yankees. Cena punched Punk and Punk bailed out, claiming that he was the underdog. Punk said since Cena punched him in the face, Punk realised why he wants to leave. Because he’s tired of everybody. Punk said say goodbye to the WWE Title, say goodbye to Cena, say goodbye to Punk, then ripped up the contract.

That final segment was something else. You kinda have to admire Vince for letting all this happen (don’t kid yourself, kids), considering he’s on the end of every insult, valid and invalid. Punk’s obviously a revelation and serious impassioned Cena (once he got there) managed to ‘win over’ a crowd who hated him at the start. I don’t really care about buyrates, but I really hope Money In The Bank did well, because this set of performances and this build deserved it. Let alone the actual match and finish.

NXT

– Derrick Bateman came out and welcomed us to the show. It’s now the “Super Terrific Derrick Bateman Happy Hour Extravaganza”, by the way. He claimed WWE begged him to come back and save the show. I believe him. Bateman said he was here to win season 5, win season 6, even win season 7 if he had to. Darren Young interrupted him. He said he was going to win NXT. He said he’d done more in WWE already than he ever would. Bateman told him for some reason, everyone liked Titus and his dog bark and warned Darren he was in danger of going home next. Titus came out but Bateman cut him off and told Titus he mastered the cheap pop in season 4, so don’t try it. Maryse booked them in a three way, not a moment too soon.

Triple Threat Elimination Match: Derrick Bateman d. Darren Young and Titus O’Neil in 12:20. Bateman had Daniel Bryan with him, the only one with a pro. Bateman and Young worked together for a while. Crowd cared about no-one but Bryan. Eventually, Young turned on Bateman out of nowhere. Young got hit with the sky high by Titus and Bateman dropkicked Titus, before stealing the pin. That left Bateman and Titus. Titus missed a middle rope clothesline (sort of) and Bateman won with his side headlock driver. This was no good.

– Yoshi and his one-legged action figure were backstage. Striker asked him why he hadn’t bought a new one. Yoshi said it was principle and that when Tyson broke the figure, he insulted Yoshi’s honour. He vowed to get his honour back tonight.

– Poor Hornswoggle was backstage, lamenting over Maryse. He was drunk on root beer. Someone showed up with a package and Swoggle assumed it was from Maryse.

– JTG asked Kozlov about taking another bet. JTG bet Kozlov that he couldn’t be more ‘gangsta’ than him. Kozlov accepted. Have I mentioned how long this season has been?

Yoshi Tatsu d. Tyson Kidd in 10:02. This was the rubber match between these two. At least on NXT. They’re not counting their dozen Superstars matches I guess. Tyson caught Yoshi with a russian legsweep off the second rope. He then hit a snap suplex on the floor during the break. Yoshi eventually fought back, but Tyson caught him with a kick to block a dive. Yoshi got his knees up to block a springboard elbow moments later. In the end Tyson countered a suplex, throwing Yoshi off. Tyson missed with a Merosault though and Yoshi won with a rollup. Solid. Yoshi retrieved his action figure’s leg afterwards, but Tyson blind sighted him and escaped with the leg.

SUPERSTARS

Zack Ryder d. Santino Marella in 3:01. So, maybe Zack isn’t a face now after all. He got a good babyface reaction though. Zack was able to avoid the Cobra a couple of times and moved out of the way of a middle rope headbutt, leading to the Ruff Ryder and another win for him. On a roll.

Wade Barrett d. Trent Baretta in 3:18. Barrett pretty much dominated. Trent had a brief flurry of offence, but caught going for a springboard and hit with Wasteland.

The Usos d. David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty (Jimmy pinned McGillicutty) in 5:27. The Tag Team Champions (Nexus, incase you’re not sure), took Jimmy out early and focused on him. Striker actually said he agreed with CM Punk, that there were a lot of butt-kissers in WWE. Takes one to know one? I wouldn’t dare insinuate that. The Usos managed to isolate McGillicutty long enough for Jimmy to beat him with a splash from the top. Hopefully this is leading to a title switch some time soon.

Beth Phoenix d. Maryse in 4:12. Maryse threw her coat at Beth to start the match. Which was a mistake, as Beth punished her with a giant swing. Maryse clipped Beth’s knee to gain an advantage. Maryse stole Beth’s headband and mimicked her pose. Another mistake. Beth tore into Maryse. Maryse almost won with a thrust kick to the back of the head. But Beth came back and finished her off with the Glam Slam.

SMACKDOWN

– Josh was in the ring and brought out Randy Orton. Josh brought up Randy’s “anger management issues” and asked if he was worried about losing his title by DQ on Sunday. Orton vowed not to get disqualified and said it was a cheap tactic by Christian because he knew he couldn’t beat him. Christian appeared on the screen and said he didn’t want or need to win by DQ. He claimed his lawyers forced him to put the stipulation in his contract, but he just wanted a nice, fair match. Christian said he had a gift for Randy. It was a picture of him holding the World Title belt over Orton. Christian offered Randy the chance to put it in his locker room on Sunday, so he could see what was going to happen to him. Orton laughed it off, saying a “stupid picture” wasn’t going to set him off. So Christian made fun of Bob Orton, saying he was in the wing of the Hall Of Fame reserved for guys like Drew Carey and Bob Uecker. He claimed Orton was only in the Hall Of Fame to keep Randy happy. Orton started to get a little more riled up and ‘invited’ Christian to come out and repeat that to his face, but Christian said he’d call him pathetic to his face after Money In The Bank. A frustrated Orton ran Christian down and called him pathetic.

WWE Intercontinental Championship: Ezekial Jackson (c) d. Ted Dibiase by submission in 3:46. The Superstars ring announcer, Eden, was doing Smackdown this week. She’s pretty good. Ted earned a shot at the title by pinning Zeke in a tag match last week. Dibiase slapped Zeke and Zeke destroyed him, until Ted managed to post him outside. Cody Rhodes was watching backstage. Zeke came back, countered Dreamstreet twice and put Dibiase up in the Torture Rack for the win. Zeke’s been looking really solid lately

– Cody was waiting for Ted backstage and ordered him to put on a paper bag, since he was a loser. He had second thoughts though and gave Ted a second chance. He threatened to bag him if he lost one more match. Cody then bagged some random guy who walked by, as a warning.

Cody Rhodes d. Daniel Bryan in 7:31. Another good match from these two. Bryan went for the Labell Lock early by Cody escaped. Bryan looked good early. Cole did some commentary with a paper bag on. Sadly, the bag did not prohibit him from speaking. Hit mute and enjoy. After some back and forth, Bryan put the Labell Lock on in the ropes, but was forced to break, obviously. Cody crotched Bryan on the top rope and caught him with the Beautiful Disaster to pick up a victory.

– Backstage Teddy was on the phone. One of the referees came in and Teddy told him to inform Show and Henry, there would be no physicality between them tonight. Kane busted in and thanked him for giving him a match with Orton. He said he was feeling less and less like a monster lately and I guess wants to get his edge back.

– Jinder and Khali were having photos shot backstage. Jinder got mad at the cameraman for paying more attention to Khali than him, saying he was the star.

– Christian was by Randy Orton’s bus. Somebody had spray painted it. Wink wink.

Sin Cara d. Sheamus in 5:59. Barrett was on commentary. Which was nice. Would have been nicer if he replaced Cole. Wade questioned the integrity of the Fave Five since he wasn’t at the top. Sheamus and Cara had a good big man little man match. Maybe Cara’s best match so far. Cara countered the Celtic Cross into a hurricanrana for the pin out of nowhere. Barrett then laid Sheamus out with a big boot and Wasteland for good measure.

– In the casino, Christian had ‘found’ Orton’s wallet. Christian insulted Orton’s daughter and put $1000 on roulette. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. But, hey, it’s wrestling. He lost. Don’t gamble, kids.

– Teddy Long presided over a Big Show-Mark Henry face-off. Henry didn’t come to the ring, staying on the stage instead. Henry said Big Show brought all the pain on himself and replayed Big Show destroying him on Smackdown last month. Show said everyone had been waiting 15 years for Henry to “wake up”, but he was focusing on the wrong target. Henry said bigger wasn’t better, stronger is better and better is better. They both said they didn’t know what they were capable of. It threatened to break down, but Teddy put a stop to it and told them to wait until Sunday.

Kelly Kelly d. Rosa Mendes in 1:51. Someone held up a “HILLBILLY JIM” sign during this match. That was the highlight. Although this was a lot better than you’d expect. Kelly won with the rocker dropper.

– Johnny Curtis skit. He let the cat out the back. Except, it was a stuffed elephant. Curtis yelled at his props assistant, I guess, saying the elephant in the room wasn’t until next week. Okay that was actually funny. Johnny Curtis made me laugh. Bravo. Curtis stormed off. The other guy was in the skit last week eating cake. Maybe he’s Johnny Curtis’s Ralphus?

Justin Gabriel d. Heath Slater in 2:57. They split up Gabriel and Slater. Bad move. Slater cut a promo before the match, telling Gabriel they were on top of the tag team division, but he was tired of sharing the spotlight with him. He promised to win Money In The Bank. They had a pretty fun little match. Heath missed a moonsault and Gabriel finished him off with the 450.

Kane d. Randy Orton by count out in 3:03. Christian came out on the stage and watched on. Fairly even match. Kane countered the RKO and Orton got distracted by Christian, allowing Kane to hit a clothesline outside. Kane beat the count but Orton went after Christian, who’s distraction prevented Orton getting back in.

– Orton chased after Christian post-match but ran into a shot from Kane. Kane and Christian double teamed Orton. Until Kane realised what was happening and stalked Christian off. Orton RKOed Kane, but Christian hit Orton with a spear. Christian got the title belt and was going to hit Orton with a chair, but Orton grabbed it and chased Christian off. Orton nailed Kane with the chair as the show ended.

 

Big news: I have a tumblr now. If you don’t know what tumblr is, it’s basically like Twitter, except different. Hope that clears things up.

So, go to http://wwetumblrverse.tumblr.com/ It’s basically a bunch of photos, so you don’t even have to be able to read! Except to find the link. And to understand this paragraph. And to have made it this far through my recap in the first place.

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