This week: The contract signing to end all contract signings, also the contract signing that pokes fun at all other contract signings and their clichés, as Punk and Cena just talk some good old fashioned smack. A little bit of cutting edge, something fresh, something new. Oh, also, Dwayne makes some funny voices. Yay. Plus, Divas Of Doom, spider stew, Matt Striker: super babyface and the curious case of Sin Cara’s miraculous weight, height and reach gain. There’s a joke there. I’m not going to make it though.
RAW
– HHH opened the show. He talked about the landscape changing on Sunday with Punk versus Cena. HHH said there’d been a lot of change lately. He promised one undisputed WWE Champion at Summerslam. And as COO, it was his job to make sure there’d be an undisputed champion. So, he announced himself as the special guest referee at Summerslam. He then moved on to tonight and announced singles matches for Cena and Punk tonight, starting right now. Before they went to commercial, Cena and HHH were saying something to each other. When they came back, they replayed what was said. Basically, Cena told HHH it was an ego thing and HHH warned him not to tell him what to do.
– John Cena d. Jack Swagger in 5:22. Cena dictated things early on. Swagger gained some control though and eventually went for the ankle lock, but Cena escaped and made his big comeback. Cena ran through Swagger and put him away with the Attitude Adjustment to “build momentum” for Summerslam.
– Scott Stanford was backstage, set to do an interview with Del Rio. Ricardo Rodriguez jumped in and introduced Del Rio instead. Del Rio said CM Punk ran from him at Money In The Bank, like a coward. He promised to show Punk what would have happened in Chicago tonight.
– Josh was with the goood R-Truth. Josh asked why he took advantage of John Morrison. Truth proceeded to cut a tremendously bizarre promo about marrying at sea, hot dogs coming 10 to a pack and spiders. “Ain’t nobody friends with spiders!” Truth said his grandmother used to make spider stew, but the only person who ate the spider stew was Little Jimmy. “But, that’s another story”. He promised to step on a spider tonight and that spider was John Morrison. This was something else. Inspired gibberish.
– Rey Mysterio came out for his match with The Miz. But the match never happened. Miz attacked Rey on the stage and used the giant oversized WWE sign to take Mysterio out. Rey was carried off and Miz went to the ring. Cole got in the ring to try and interview him. Miz complained about not having a match booked for Summerslam. He listed all his mainstream appearances, talk show and award shows and stuff and said if he had to do that to Rey to get attention, so be it. Miz called out a referee to award him the match via a forfeit. A referee came out, but instead relayed a message that Miz was going to have a match, against Kofi Kingston.
– The Miz d. Kofi Kingston in 7:33. Pretty even match. Kofi took Miz out with a suicide dive. Miz gained control during the commercial by using the ring skirt to crotch Kofi as he tried a pescado. Kofi rallied back and broke out a huge crossbody out of the corner at one point. After a back and forth finish, Kofi hit a sunset powerbomb. Both men avoided each other’s finishers, before Miz hung Kofi across the top rope and hit the Skull Crushing Finale. Pretty good.
– As Punk was walking to the ring, Josh cut him off. Punk said he wasn’t surprised about HHH making himself the guest referee and called him out for always wanting the spotlight. He said what was good for business would be HHH staying out of the match. Punk also promised to show Del Rio what would have happened at Money In The Bank.
– CM Punk d. Alberto Del Rio in 4:51. Punk went for the Money In The Bank roundhouse kick immediately and Del Rio avoided it. Punk posted himself and Del Rio went after the arm. Del Rio wound up taking a hard spill outside. Punk came back, but was posted again by Del Rio. When Del Rio went for the armbreaker, Punk avoided it. A roundhouse kick was followed by a GTS and Punk picked up a momentum victory also.
– Beth Phoenix d. Eve Torres in 2:54. Beth took most of the match. Eve recovered enough to set up for the moonsault. But Beth crotched her and dragged Eve down, to give her the Glam Slam. Beth got a microphone and said she was sick of divas like Eve and Kelly making a mockery of the division. She promised no more booty popping, no more splits and no more stinkfaces. As Beth went to leave, she turned back to say something else. Which was a mistake, as Kelly ran out and took Beth out from behind.
– Alex Riley d. Dolph Ziggler by DQ in 1:27. Before the match, Riley told Vickie, quite explicitly, that she had bad breath. Not very nice. The match happened, but Vickie wasn’t happy. After spending the match screaming at Dolph, Vickie got in the ring and in Riley’s face, slapping him which caused the DQ. Dolph got mad at Vickie and Riley hit a right hand, Ziggler bumping Vickie down as well. Dolph and Vickie argued afterwards.
– R-Truth d. John Morrison in 4:03. Started as a wild brawl. Morrison used the standing spanish fly quickly and went for Starship Pain quickly too, but Truth rolled outside. So Morrison took Truth out with a corkscrew plancha over the ring post instead. Morrison ended up on the barricade, but Truth swept his legs, causing the back of Morrison’s neck to hit the barricade. Morrison managed to beat the 10 count, but was in trouble from that point and eventually fell to the jumping flatliner. Not been a successful comeback so far for Morrison.
– Christian was live “via satellite” and promised a big announcement on Smackdown. He suggested HHH should show up, because he’d want to hear it in person.
– This lead into the Summerslam contract signing. Punk said everyone knew the match was already official and pretty much tipped the hat to the fact contract signings always end in “horrible physical calamity”. Crowd cheered for calamity. Punk figured they should at least make this entertaining. Punk introduced a clip, from a big time movie star. Punk said the movie star wasn’t HHH in the Chaperone. HHH asked how Punk’s movie was. Punk shot back that it went straight to DVD just like HHH’s. Boom. The clip was “Dwayne”, from that promo he cut on Facebook a month or so ago. The jist of what they showed was Rock claiming Cena was hurt by the fans booing him and people were doing so because they knew he was a phony. They cut back to the ring and Punk immediately said “there’s a lot wrong with that”. He called Dwayne just as big a phony as Cena and buried Dwayne’s funny squeaky mocking promo voice. A hero, for doing that, Punk was. A hero.
– Cena complimented Punk on having the people in the palm of his hands. Cena ran down Rock’s credentials, but said for all his success he should have no reason to be angry at him. All because he wears red and wears jorts. Cena said Punk wouldn’t make fun of the way he dresses, but he did have an issue with him. Cena said maybe he was “too PG”, or “the modern day Hulk Hogan”, except his hand is in front of his face instead of cupped to the ear. Cena admitted Rock was a star and he would never win over the millions. And Cena said he could “increase my workrate, add to the five moves of doom, or let my heel persona shine through” but he’d never win over Punk’s fans either. Cena brought up the Yankees comparison Punk made a few weeks ago and said it was absolutely right. There’s lots of people that hate him, just like with the Yankees. Cena said he wasn’t concerned with them, he was concerned with the people who were loyal to him and knew he wouldn’t give up on them. He told Punk he threw stones but lived in a glass house, because he was trying to be a voice of the voiceless and called him phony.
– HHH said Cena had a good point and Punk held out for more money and did it over the phone instead of face to face. Punk took exception to that. He called out Laurinaitis (who was also there) for firing Vladimir Kozlov, Harry Smith and Chris Masters over the phone and called HHH gutless for having Laurinaitis doing the dirty work. Punk said it wasn’t about them, it was about him and Cena. Punk said Cena had opportunity after opportunity and his perspective was skewed. He brought up an incident when Punk won the ECW Title and Cena congratulated him, but said “I almost gave up on you”. Punk said he holds grudges. He told Cena he gave up when he couldn’t hack it being a bodybuilder, where-as Punk started as a professional wrestler. Punk justified holding out for perks because he had to fight for everything, where-as Cena was given opportunities. Punk promised Cena would walk out of L.A with nothing. He could still be in the Marine 4 and his fans would still “pee in their pajamas” when they thought about him, but Punk would be the WWE Champion.
– Punk signed the contract. Cena pointed out how much pressure there was on Punk on Sunday. He said Punk won one match in Chicago and said he had every right to be called champion. But he asked what might happen if Punk lost at Summerslam. Cena said win lose or draw, he had Rock at Wrestlemania. Where-as Punk needed this, because he had people watching him now. And if he didn’t deliver, he’d be a loudmouth, one-hit wonder. And if he didn’t produce, it’d all be gone. Cena signed and wished him luck. Punk said luck was for losers and he’d rather be a one-hit wonder than a phony. The talking didn’t last much longer and the sure enough, the table went flying. Laurinaitis stepped in between the two and Punk ended up kicking him in the back of the head, aiming for Cena. Cena tried to hit Punk, but HHH got caught up in it, causing HHH to get in Cena’s face. And it ended with a tense situation to end the show.
NXT
– Striker was in the ring, explaining this week’s dumb challenge. Some sort of egg and spoon race. I kid you not. “No Days Off D. Young” interrupted and everybody booed. Regal theorised the people wanted eggs. Young said he was sick of the challenges and he’d dominated for the past 23(!) weeks. Striker protested that he was just the host. Young got mad and asked what Striker had done. He said Striker couldn’t cut it in the ring. Striker said he was grateful for getting to compete in front of the WWE universe. He said Young wouldn’t win, because he was focused on what he had done instead of what he was going to do. Darren agreed and said he’d start now. He knocked Striker down and challenged him to a match later on. Crowd seemed behind this idea.
– Tyson Kidd was backstage. Grisham asked him about his match with “NXT alumni” Justin Gabriel. Tyson said he was a Dungeon alumni. He said he was better than anyone who came out of the Dungeon and promised to teach Gabriel a lesson. Tyson isn’t the world’s greatest promo or anything, but he’s not that bad. I’ve heard worse. Including from him, as a face.
– Justin Gabriel d. Tyson Kidd in 13:08. Regal mentioned he’d actually wrestled Gabriel’s father in South Africa. After being evenly matched early on, Tyson gained an advantage with some kicks. Gabriel fought back and went for an asai moonsault but Kidd kicked his leg out, then gave him a hanging legdrop onto the apron. Gabriel made an exciting comeback and went up for the 450, but Kidd rolled outside. Gabriel dropkicked him through the ropes and hit a corkscrew plancha. Kidd rolled through on a springboard crossbody for 2. Gabriel used something resembling a Koji Clutch. Gabriel then got crotched up top and Kidd used a springboard super hurricanrana for a two. Kidd also used a Lance Storm half crab. In the end, Gabriel hit the 450, from some way out, for the win. This got really good in the end. They got time and delivered.
– Darren Young d. Matt Striker in 4:46. Striker had gear with his name on this week. Foresight. Crowd were more behind Striker than at any point in his career. Striker did some lucha. Young used a neckbreaker on the ring apron, then threw him under the turnbuckles to post his shoulder. Striker took a nasty looking belly to belly that busted his nose somehow. He came back and had some offence, including a Gory bomb and a Playmaker. Young won with the Roderick Strong gutbuster. This was good and Striker was better than I ever remember him being at the time. I don’t know if this is part of some sort of comeback, but man, I actually wouldn’t mind that based on this week and last.
– Daniel Bryan walked in on Derrick Bateman ‘training’. His training consisted of playing WWE All Stars. Bryan switched the TV off and told Bateman he’d been making a fool of himself lately. Lately? He said until Bateman figured out what he was doing, he’d be on his own. No! Of all the break-ups, this one hurts the most.
– Titus O’Neil d. Derrick Bateman in 3:33. Titus had Hornswoggle and AJ with him. Still don’t think these two are great opponents for each other. This was alright. Titus countered a sunset flip and stacked Bateman for three. Bateman attacked him from behind and went after Hornswoggle, but Bateman ended up getting a sky high and the Tadpole Splash. Felt like they put the opener on last and the main on first here. Bit odd.
SUPERSTARS
– Ted Dibiase d. Trent Barreta in 6:04. Cody was backstage watching. Dibiase dropkicked Trent in mid-air and took over. Trent tried to fight back, but kept getting cut off. He eventually got a chance to hit the big flip dive. But Trent slipped trying a springboard. Ted recovered things pretty well. Ted ended up winning with Dreamstreet.
– Alicia Fox d. Tamina in 3:54. I guess this was heel versus heel. Alicia played de-facto face and ended up winning with the scissors kick.
– Brodus Clay d. Aaron James in 1:47. After being on the Smackdown side last week, Brodus was on the Raw portion of the show this. Different taping, same deal. Brodus squashed James, who I guess was AJ from Tough Enough. Won with the crossbody block again.
– David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty d. Santino Marella and Evan Bourne (McGillicutty pinned Santino) in 10:35. Another prospective partner for Santino. Scott Stanford claimed that, this week, Otunga had been studying the movements of the mongoose in order to prepare for the cobra. Awesome. Otunga and McGillicutty got the heat on Evan. During the break Santino got a tag, but the champions cut him off as well. Evan got the crowd into it with his comeback. McGillicutty dragged Otunga out of Air Bourne position but Bourne took them out with a dive to the floor. Santino broke out the Cobra and hit Otunga, but McGillicutty capitalised with the swinging neckbreaker.
SMACKDOWN
– HHH opened the show. Again. He plugged the Punk/Cena match and basically said he was loving his job as COO so far. He announced Cody versus Zeke for the Intercontinental Title later on, plus the two Money In The Bank winners one on one. He also made Orton versus Great Khali. Before he could announce Christian’s opponent, Christian himself interrupted. Christian told HHH he should have had the courtesy to give him a call, since he had a huge announcement tonight. HHH told Christian he didn’t give a crap. Christian threatened to sue the WWE, because he had proof Orton was mentally unstable and that’s an unsafe working environment to put him in. He wanted the No Holds Barred stipulation scrapped, or he’d sue HHH, his children and all the fans who watch Summerslam. Now, I’m now lawyer, but… HHH told him the match was on. He reminded Christian he was his boss and he’d be in breach of contract if he didn’t compete in matches HHH made. He offered to fire Christian and take the title, or let him compete at Summerslam. Christian whined about it. HHH said he didn’t like Orton, but he respected him, unlike Christian since he won the belt by DQ. He challenged Christian to earn some respect at Summerslam.
– HHH left, but Christian yelled for the music to be cut. Christian said he’d beat Orton at Summerslam and before that, he’d beat whoever HHH had lined up for him tonight. HHH said he was glad and brought out Christian’s opponent. Sheamus.
– Sheamus d. Christian by count out in 5:56. Sheamus started out hot, until Christian posted him outside. Sheamus ended up posting himself a second time. Christian tried to focus on the arm but couldn’t keep the advantage long. Crowd got behind Sheamus as he came back. It turned into a good back and forth match. Sheamus hit a flying shoulder off the top and went for the Brogue Kick, but Christian bailed and tried to walk out. Sheamus didn’t allow it and went for the Celtic Cross. Christian escaped that and this time managed to walk off with his belt.
– Beth Phoenix and Natalya d. Kaitlyn and AJ (Beth pinned AJ) in 1:15. Beth and Natalya are going by the “Divas Of Doom”. AJ and Kaitlyn were in fact doomed here. AJ tried, but got caught and Glam Slammed. Beth and Natalya weren’t done though. Natalya put Kaitlyn in the Sharpshooter as Beth taunted her.
– In the GM’s office, Zack was with Teddy. Cody and Ted came in and thanked Zack for setting up the IC Title match, but Teddy told him Zack had nothing to do with it. Teddy shooed them all off, because it was time for the sexy music. Also, Aksana. So absurd. Which isn’t neccessarily bad. Aksana flirted with Teddy, who got flustered and bailed.
– Johnny Curtis was pacing backstage. Mark Henry walked in and said it was a shame somebody’s career was going to start and end on the same day. Henry clued Curtis in that his debut match was against him tonight and said he liked his play on words shtick. He told Johnny to go out and “break a leg”. And Johnny was sad.
– Sin Cara d. Tyson Kidd in 2:57. Sin Cara miraculously put on some weight here, on his Smackdown return. Even more miraculously, he got taller with longer limbs. Not sure how that happens. He also did his trampoline spot better than he ever has. Yes, it was Hunico under the mask. Hunico being the former Mistico, replacing the former Mistico, who was Mistico after the first Mistico was Mistico. Confused? Good. The commentators noticed Sin Cara’s ‘muscle gain’ and that he’d added a ‘few new moves’, so I guess this may be going somewhere. This Cara was a little slower but looked more polished. Also taller. The fans didn’t seem to mind, or notice. I guess the lights were dim. Cara won with a springboard senton, followed with a lionsault.
– Alberto Del Rio d. Daniel Bryan by submission in 3:31. Money In The Bank holder versus Money In The Bank holder. Instant mute material on commentary, as usual. Aside from Booker T’s South African accent, which is money. Bryan took Del Rio out with the suicide dive, but hurt his shoulder in the process. Del Rio avoided a dropkick and went straight for the arm, with the cross armbreaker for the submission. Good while it lasted. Wade Barrett hit the ring afterwards and gave Bryan Wasteland.
– WWE Intercontinental Championship: Cody Rhodes d. Ezekial Jackson (c) in 4:37 to win the title. Booker got a bag again this week. I can only hope this is leading to Booker versus Cody. Dibiase was at ringside with Cody. Cody took an amazing bump on a blocked bulldog. Just as Cody looked in trouble, Dibiase hopped on the apron. The distraction allowed Cody to hit some headbutts with the mask. Zeke took Dibiase out as he tried to interfere, but Cody hit the kick and Crossrhodes to become the new IC Champion.
– After the match, Cody got Ted to put the paper bag on Zeke. But Zeke suddenly woke up and Cody ran away. Ted wasn’t so lucky. Zeke stood up, slowly took the paper bag off while Ted was yelling at the crowd in a great moment. And then proceeded to destroy him. Zeke beat the shit out of Ted in the corner, gave him the uranage, then dumped him over the top to the floor by Cody with a gorilla press. Cody, understandably, looked worried.
– Striker interviewed Orton about Summerslam. Orton said Christian had got the better of him by changing the rules, but at Summerslam there are no rules. Orton said he learned in anger management that he needed a proper outlet to take out his anger and Summerslam would be the perfect way to get his anger out. Orton promised an RKO for Khali tonight too.
– Mark Henry d. Johnny Curtis in 0:58. Sucks to be Johnny Curtis. Henry squashed him quick with the World’s Strongest Slam. Henry planned on breaking the leg afterwards but Sheamus ran out. Sheamus dared Henry to get back in the ring, “we don’t have to wait until Summerslam”. Which is of course code for we’re going to wait until Summerslam and Henry decided not to get in the ring. Instead, he pulled Curtis out and gave him the World’s Strongest Slam on the floor, warning Sheamus that’d be him.
– Randy Orton d. Great Khali in 4:33. Khali dominated Orton for most of the match and Jinder got involved as well. Khali hit the big chop, but Orton kicked out. Khali ended up hung in the ropes Andre The Giant style, which the crowd went wild for. Orton took out Jinder, then nailed Khali with a DDT. RKO was blocked with the vice grip. But Orton fought back and hit the RKO for the pin. Crowd were so much hotter for this than you’d expect. Orton is really doing it for people on Smackdown this year. Christian came out after the match and told Orton he couldn’t wait for Summerslam, because he had “the best thing going”.
And speaking of the best thing going, my tumblr isn’t exactly the best thing going. But, hey, follow it anyway. Why not? Not like it costs you anything. http://wwetumblrverse.tumblr.com/