This week: YAY YAY YAY! It’s 2012 and just like Chris Jericho, we’re back, with flashing lights, big explosions and saying nothing of any substance! Yes, Y2J is back, sparklier than ever, more hand slappier than ever, more panderinger, if that’s a word, than ever. But, strangely, without much to say for himself. Plus, Daniel Bryan engaging in similarly over the top shenanigans, Dirty Curty’s dirty shenanigans on NXT, Kane in Drag Me To Hell and when will wrestling finally be free from those evil foreign arabian camel clutch doers?
RAW SUPERSHOW

– The video package makers came through again, making the Kane-Cena angle from last week a million times better than it was.

– Cena came out. He said 2011 didn’t end the way he wanted, but it was a new year. He wished everyone happy new year. Everyone responded by telling him he sucked. Poor guy. Cena made some jokes. He promised to remain who he is and stick to his hustle, loyalty, respect mantra. Cena said the fans earned the right to say what they wanted to him. His disappointment wasn’t with them, it was with Kane. He told Kane he wouldn’t turn his back on what he believed in. Cena said he’d enjoy whatever emotional response he got from the fans. Kane interrupted. At least, his music and his voice did. He promised Cena would witness the power of hate tonight. Kane’s pyro went off in the ring, making Cena jump.

Daniel Bryan d. Cody Rhodes in 3:20. Champion versus champion. Cody went after Bryan’s left arm. Bryan fought back and took Cody out with the flying knee from the apron. Cody got a near fall with the Beautiful Disaster. But Bryan managed to counter a suplex, reminding us all he’s the Master Of The Small Package. Bryan celebrated this rollup win like he won the World Title.

– Backstage, Mr. Laurinaitis told Miz he didn’t agree with what R-Truth did last week. Miz demanded he take some action, but Laurinaitis reminded Miz just why Truth attacked him. He told Miz he had a match with Sheamus tonight. Miz wasn’t impressed, saying he’d be a sitting duck. As he stormed off, R-Truth appeared and did a duck impression to the camera. Yes, really. Only Truth could make this work.

– Wade Barrett came out and was amused with what he did to Orton. He said he didn’t care about new year, but it had already been a great 2012 for him, because it was devoid of Randy Orton. Barrett said he didn’t plan on throwing Orton down the stairs. But, it was me or him, he reasoned. Barrett promised to win the Royal Rumble. Santino interrupted him and reminded Wade that he lasted longer in the Rumble than him last year. This all lead to their match.

Wade Barrett d. Santino Marella in 1:20. The match didn’t last long, as Wade cut the Cobra off with a kick and finished Wade off with Winds Of Change.

– The Bellas were bickering backstage. Miz told them to knock it off and asked if they’d seen Truth, but they hadn’t. Miz walked off nervously and Truth appeared again, clearly stalking Miz.

– Miz and Sheamus never got started. Miz kept looking over his shoulder for R-Truth as he made his way to the ring. Miz gave Sheamus a DDT before the match had even started and tied him up, allowing him to attack. Sheamus broke free and beat the crap out of Miz with the forearms to the chest. Miz escaped into the crowd, but Truth appeared. Truth had “Little Jimmy” with him. “Little Jimmy” told Truth that Miz needed to GET GOT and Miz ran, into a Brogue Kick from Sheamus. Truth gave Miz the water bottle for good measure. He went back through the crowd and found a real Little Jimmy, who wished Miz happy new year.

– Josh interviewed Dolph Ziggler. They panned back, to reveal Ziggler doing a handstand, for no reason. Awesome. Ziggler hopped down and said American children were lagging behind Japan, thanks to states like Tennessee dragging the figures down. He said he was a surplus of talent and charisma and vowed to win the WWE Title.

– Zack and Eve were talking, when Jack Swagger walked up. Swagger said there was an imposter walking around with US Title. Zack thought his meant someone had stolen his belt, so Swagger said I’m talking about you, dork. Laurinaitis broke up their arguement and made a six man tag elimination match later with Zack, Cena and Show against Swagger, Henry and Kane.

WWE Championship: Dolph Ziggler d. CM Punk (c) by CO in 9:50. They started off trading holds briefly, before Punk attacked and the feeling out process was done with. Dolph gave Punk a hotshot across the middle rope, face first which looked no fun to take control. Punk came back and went for the dive, but Ziggler cut him off and gave Punk a neckbreaker on the apron. Every time Punk got some offence, Ziggler was able to regain control, but couldn’t get the three. Punk countered the Zig Zag, which caused the top turnbuckle pad to be pulled off accidentally. This brought Laurinaitis out, just as Punk was going for the GTS. Laurinaitis distracted the referee as Ziggler tapped to the Anaconda Vice. Ziggler ended up colliding with Laurinaitis, but Ziggler escaped the GTS and Punk was sent outside, thanks to Laurinaitis pulling the top rope down accidentally on purpose. Punk couldn’t make the count, so Dolph won and celebrated, stealing the belt.

The Bella Twins d. Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres (Brie pinned Eve) in 2:06. The opening 20 seconds consisted of spanking and a stinkface. Not elaborating on whether that’s good or bad. Eve hit Nikki with a moonsault, but Brie made the save and TWIN MAGIC lead to the win.

– In Laurinaitis’s office, Punk stormed in, mad at being screwed again. Laurinaitis said his problem wasn’t with him, it was with Ziggler and he’d be defending the title against him again at the Rumble. Laurinaitis said he’d be the referee. Punk said if Laurinaitis screwed him at the Rumble, he’d beat him “like a bitch“. Laurinaitis told Otunga this was inappropriate.

– The spooky 2012 video played again. Yes, it was January 2nd. The video played and said the end of the world as you know it is here. Then, they cut back to the arena and Chris Jericho appeared. Chris Jericho in a sparkling jacket. A very unspooky jacket. Jericho played to the crowd. They went wild. Jericho played to the crowd some more. Still wild. Then he went outside and played to the crowd even more. Big “Y2J” chants. Jericho got a microphone and went to speak, but decided to play to the crowd some more. “Welcome back” chants. Jericho went to speak again, then played to the crowd. Slightly less wild. Jericho teased speaking, but went out to the crowd again, with his lights flashing. Slightly less wild still. Jericho did the old “which side can cheer the loudest” trick. Then he dropped the microphone and played to the crowd some more. Finally, the crowd started to seem a little confused. Still “Y2J” chants. Jericho slapped some more hands. He grabbed the camera and started to film everyone. Then he posed on the stage for a bit. And people started to boo. Jericho looked around with a weird sort of smile. AND THEN HE LEFT. This was a masterpiece of trolling.

Elimination Handicap Match: John Cena, Zack Ryder and Big Show d. Mark Henry and Jack Swagger in 5:32. Kane’s music hit, but he didn’t show up. Instead, David Otunga showed up. Otunga explained to the referee that it’d be a handicap match since Kane wouldn’t be competing. So it was two on three. Big Show had Swagger set up for the punch, but Swagger tagged Henry. Show and Henry got DQed for brawling outside and using a chair. That left Swagger alone with Zack and Cena. Zack got the tag while in the anklelock and Cena made the big comeback on Swagger. An AA finished Swagger off. Kane’s pyro went off and Cena went up the ramp to go after him, but Kane came out from under the ring instead. He attacked Ryder and smothered Cena. Kane then tried to drag Ryder through the hole in the ring, but Cena saved him. Pyro exploded out of the hole in the ring and Cena and Ryder looked scared. I actually like the angle when it’s “are the chants secretly getting to Cena”. This? Way too wacky.

NXT

– Regal was back on commentary this week. Since the 100th episode of NXT is coming up soon, Striker brought back another NXT alumni as a special guest, Michael McGillicutty. McGillicutty wanted nothing to do with Striker. He said, and I quote here, “NXT, man, this show sucks, man”. God I laughed. He was so matter of fact about it. McGillicutty talked about being in Nexus and winning the Tag Titles and how NXT had nothing to do with it. Alex Riley’s music hit and Riley came out, to a shockingly big pop. Every week, I’m shocked he’s still riding that wave from that one feud with Miz before he disappeared from Raw. Riley was happy to be back on NXT. He ran McGillicutty’s bad attitude down and said if he wanted respect, he could start with him, tonight. McGillicutty pie-faced him and the match was on.

Alex Riley d. Michael McGillicutty in 8:23. Riley started hot, to the crowd’s delight. He missed his kick on the apron and got speared to the floor. McGillicutty took over for a while. But Riley fought back to get the win with the Final Score after avoiding the swinging neckbreaker. Between the crowd reaction, the promo and the match, Riley came off really well.

– Backstage, Kaitlyn tried to psyche up Derrick Bateman, saying he was back in the game now. Bateman seemed fired up, until Maxine and Johnny Curtis walked up. Bateman said he’d enjoy watching their relationship collapse and told Maxine she wouldn’t be able to crawl back to him. Maxine promised Derrick would regret crossing her and kissed Curtis. Maxine and Bateman stormed off and Dirty Curty asked an unimpressed Kaitlyn if she “wanted to get weird”.

Maxine d. Kaitlyn by submission in 1:53. Maxine got the win out of nowhere, by turning a slam attempt into a hanging dragon sleeper.

– Yoshi and Trent were playing WWE 12. Hawkins and Reks showed up and called them video game nerds. Trent challenged them to a match. On the video game. Reks picked up the controller, but couldn’t put it down. Not because the game was so good, but because Yoshi had put super glue on it. Not just super glue, “Japanese super glue”. Yoshi and Trent ran off.

Trent Baretta d. Curt Hawkins in 6:03. Tyler accompanied Hawkins, with his hands still stuck to the XBox controller. Regal compared being WWE Magazine Announcer of the Year to being the best looking man in prison. Trent hit his big flip dive and a distraction from Tyler wasn’t enough to help Hawkins, as Baretta countered and hit a tornado DDT for the pin.

Darren Young d. Derrick Bateman in 3:29. Darren cut a promo on Titus beforehand on Titus O’Neil. Young went for his back suplex on the apron and Bateman grazed it, meaning he landed hard on the arena floor hip first. That looked unpleasant. He fought back and hit the running dropkick off the apron. Maxine and Curtis came out and tried to distract Bateman. Maxine said she and Johnny had decided to get married in two weeks, which did distract Bateman, leading to Darren getting the win with the double knee gutbuster.

SUPERSTARS

Epico d. Evan Bourne in 7:40. Exciting exchange of moves early on. Evan hit both Epico and Primo with a baseball slide, but Epico took over after crotching Bourne on the top rope. After a hot finish, Rosa got up on the apron and they exchanged roll ups, before Bourne hit a spin kick. Primo distracted Evan, but Kofi took him out, allowing Evan to deliver Air Bourne. This was fun.

Mason Ryan d. JTG in 3:32. Mason got the win in easy fashion, with the full nelson slam.

Tyson Kidd d. Yoshi Tatsu in 4:16. After their dozens of matches in 2011, these two got their first 2012 one out of the way early. Tatsu missed the spin kick off the top, but Tyson then missed a springboard moonsault and Yoshi put him away with a roundhouse kick.

Jinder Mahal d. Ezekial Jackson by submission in 6:06. The crowd chanted “USA” at Jinder as he took his turban off. It’s 2012, by the way. I feel like that should be pointed out at this point. Zeke dominated early but a cheap shot from Jinder turned the tide. Finish saw Jinder escape the torture rack, post Zeke’s shoulder and make him tap to the camel clutch. Again, I remind you, it’s 2012 and the guy with the turban is beating people with a camel clutch. It’s not even fun in a cute, retro kind of way.

SMACKDOWN

WWE Intercontinental Championship: Cody Rhodes (c) d. Booker T in 8:40. Crowd were into Booker. Which in itself probably made this a more important IC Title match than any from the whole of last year. Things went back and forth in the early stages, until Cody dropped Booker throat first across the barricade. Booker hung in the match and eventually made a comeback. Booker hit the scissors kick after a series of counters, but Cody managed to kick out, to Booker’s shock. After avoiding a second kick, Cody was able to connect with the Beautiful Disaster to retain. Things broke down just a little right at the end, but this was good. The fans gave a sad Booker a good reaction after the match.

– Cody ran into Dustin backstage. Dustin congratulated him. Cody said he had nothing of use to say. He claimed it was obvious he was more of a success than Dustin and he might even be a bigger success than Dad. He told Dustin, if he was thinking about putting on his gold paint and making one last run, he was a joke and not a laughing stock, but he could change that real quick.

– Teddy spoke to Zack, who said it was time to move on. He said he had a suitable replacement as assistant to the GM. Drew walked in and Teddy wasn’t down with this. But Zack said he was talking about Santino. Drew got mad at Santino for reminding him he lost. Teddy booked them in a match. If Santino won, he’d be his assistant and if Drew won, Teddy would consider not firing him. Aksana’s sexy music showed up and Santino left them to it.

– AJ and Alicia spoke backstage about Daniel Bryan. Bryan showed up at an awkward time. He pointed out to Alicia he’d already beat Big Show and when she left, said he couldn’t believe AJ was friends with her. Bryan said after he won tonight, they could celebrate.

Over The Top Rope Challenge: Hornswoggle d. Heath Slater in 1:34. This happened. Hornswoggle tried to play the “look up there” trick. And Heath fell for it like a dumbass. Hornswoggle grabbed Heath’s hair as Slater tried to put him over the top and won. Heath attacked, but Justin Gabriel made the save and hit Slater with the 450.

Hunico d. Ted Dibiase in 3:04. Hunico cut a promo as he was biked to the ring, not happy at being invited to any Dibiase Posse parties, claiming this was disrespect. They had a fun little match, which Hunico won with some sort of funky pinning cradle. Very unique finish for WWE matches.

– Wade came out and said Orton was “finished”. He claimed he might try and come back, but he’d never be the same psychologically, thanks to him. Wade said instead of winning the Rumble in his hometown, Orton would have to sit and watch him win it. Sheamus interrupted and told one of his stories, before telling Wade he’d be his biggest problem at the Rumble. Then, of all the people in the world, Jinder Mahal interrupted. The crowd groaned. Jinder slapped Sheamus, so Sheamus attacked, but Wade made it two on one. Sheamus fought them both off and went for the powerbomb on Wade, but Jinder broke it up, allowing Wade to hit Winds Of Change on Sheamus. Then Jinder put him in the camel clutch.

Santino Marella d. Drew McIntyre in 2:30. Santino had his fun but Drew soon took over. But Drew ended up hitting his head on the ring post and it allowed Santino to get the win with the Cobra. Poor Drew.

– Poor Drew was disconsolate backstage. Teddy said it was strike two and next week, strike three might mean he was out. Santino showed up and celebrated.

Primo and Epico d. Air Boom (Epico pinned Bourne) in 3:49. Rosa did an inset promo in Spanish about her guys. Evan ran wild off the tag and almost got the win with the double knees, but Epico broke it up. Rosa prevented a Kofi dive and with Kofi taken out, Epico pulled Primo out of the way of Air Bourne and stole the pinfall.

– Striker interviewed Big Show, who was excited. Show said he was confident tonight, even though Bryan was a good wrestler. Bryan showed up and said he was a very good wrestler and Show shouldn’t throw that out like it was nothing. He said he wasn’t born good like Show was born big and if he had been, he wouldn’t have gone 9 years between titles or have the shortest title reign in history. Show got annoyed and told Bryan to not make him have to hurt him. Bryan simply told Show to get his damn hand off his shoulder. Ooh.

Tamina d. Natalya in 1:44. They showed profile videos of both Jim Neidhart and Jimmy Snuka before the match started. Tamina got the win for Team Snuka with her father’s superfly splash.

World Championship: Daniel Bryan (c) d. Big Show by DQ in 6:17. Mark Henry joined commentary for this match. And for that we can be eternally grateful. He was great. Cole asked him who’d win between Bryan and Hornswoggle and Henry’s response was “I can’t believe you’d ask me a dumb question like that”. We need Mark Henry on commentary to shut Cole and Josh down every week, during every match. Scattered boos for Bryan. Bryan tried to play cat and mouse, but got caught and Show overwhelmed him. Bryan got caught trying a dive, but was able to send Show into the steps and then hit the knee. Bryan wanted to take the count out, but Show got in. Henry threatened to slap Cole at some point here. Again, every week, please. Henry got mad at Bryan for “taking a rest”, but Bryan hung Show across the rope. Show got a two count from a spear and Henry was impressed Bryan kicked out. Show set up the chokeslam, but Bryan turned it into a guillotine. Bryan turned that into the Labell Lock, but Show broke free. In the end, Bryan escaped from the KO punch and made Henry shove him to the ground, drawing the DQ. Like on Raw, Bryan did a big, over the top celebration, as Show and Henry looked on with disbelief and disgust. Turn’s coming and the World Title situation on Smackdown continues to be great.

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