This week: As The Miz may or may not have said, “it’s time to drop some Truth”. Yes, it’s the most important time of the year, since last month at least, as the Elimination Chamber approaches. And with one last chance to ensure a place at Wrestlemania, let’s keep all talk of reaching up and grabbing the brass ring, trying not to drop the ball to a minimum, considering who’s involved. Plus, Chris Jericho in trolling the internet ironic reversal of roles brilliance, Daniel Bryan and his nature walks, the NXT love quadrangle, Otunga Tebowing and we venture inside The Undertaker’s secret and very expensive looking video vault.
(A disclaimer: I don’t hate Miz, I just have to grab whatever comic premises are thrown my way. I just couldn’t let it slip through my fingers, you know?)
RAW SUPERSHOW
– Triple H came out to start the show. Fans were happy to see him. He said last week he was going to fire John Laurinaitis and ran Johnny down, but said over the past week Laurinaitis had made a plea for a stay of execution. Spoiler alert: he got it later in the week. Justice for Johnny. HHH moved on to Undertaker. He emphasised that Undertaker was carried from the ring at Wrestlemania. HHH admitted he was still in awe of Undertaker when he returned. But, he looked into Undertaker’s eyes and he wasn’t in awe anymore. He said he felt bad for The Undertaker. He said he chose to remember Undertaker in a certain way and a video of Undertaker’s Wrestlemania streak played. He then showed a video of Undertaker being carried away last year, saying he didn’t want to remember him like that. For that reason, HHH declined a rematch. He said the Deadman wouldn’t die last year and if they did it again, he’d have to finish it this time. He suggested maybe Undertaker wanted him to put an end to it, but he wouldn’t be the guy to push him past his limits, because he respected him too much. As HHH went to leave, the lights went out. A video played of Undertaker, sat watching footage of last year’s match with HHH talking about Undertaker being carried from the ring, saying it wasn’t over and his victory last year meant nothing, he wanted vengeance and would give HHH one more shot at immortality.
– Big Show d. Daniel Bryan by count out in 4:01. Show was in quite the exuberant mood. Bryan brought a reluctant AJ out. He told her she didn’t have to do this, but insisted she’d be safe with him. After taking a beating early, Bryan managed to take out Show’s knee. Show fought back and sent Bryan outside. Bryan feigned a knee injury and AJ pleaded with Show not to attack, until Bryan surfaced and gave Show a chopblock. Show then almost ran into AJ outside. Bryan grabbed AJ and took her to safety, willingly taking the count out.
– Bryan got mad and called Show a giant freak. He claimed that since Big Show was able to stop himself from hitting AJ tonight, the last time must have been on purpose. He asked why he’d torture a poor, innocent woman. He said protecting the woman who loves him is more important than winning any match. But, after Elimination Chamber he’d still be Daniel Bryan, he’d still be a vegan and he’d still be the World Champion.
– John Cena is starting the Daytona 500. Apparently that’s a big deal.
– David Otunga was in the ring to try and plead John Laurinaitis’s case to remain GM. He wanted the crowd to pray that the Board Of Directors would do the right thing and hit the Tebow pose. Justin Roberts spoke up and said HHH was putting Otunga in a match right now.
– Sheamus d. David Otunga in 2:07. Otunga was still in his sweater. For a while, at least. Cole claimed Otunga was 20-0 in law cases. Sheamus beat Otunga’s shirt off and after Otunga got a very brief advantage, Sheamus hit the Brogue Kick for the win.
– Chris Jericho came out. He still had the sparkly jacket, but he wasn’t smiling anymore. Jericho said the end of the world as we know it had arrived. He said it was the end of thievery, charlatans and liars. He called everyone else Chris Jericho wannabees, including the fans. Jericho said he trolled all of us, because we’re wannabees. His examples of people copying him were Miz stealing his suit and speech pattern, Kofi stealing his high flying moves, R-Truth stealing What’s Up from Shut The Hell Up and Ziggler stealing having Vickie as a manager from him being managed by Stephanie McMahon at Wrestlemania. The jacket was blinking the whole way through this. He said CM Punk was the worst of them all, saying he was lying when he said he was the best in the world, he was just a Jericho wannabee. Jericho said he was the best in the world at everything he did. He bragged about being the first Undisputed Champion and “eliminating 28 other men in the Royal Rumble”. Jericho vowed to claim what was his, when Punk’s music hit. Punk walked out with a microphone. But, Punk stole Jericho’s trick of not saying anything and held the WWE Title over his head. He turned around and showed him the back of his Best In The World t-shirt and Jericho thought about taking a free shot, but didn’t, so Punk just left. Jericho got mad and yelled at Punk as he left.
– Randy Orton and Great Khali d. Wade Barrett and Cody Rhodes (Khali pinned Cody) in 3:43. Orton and Khali gave each other the passive aggressive slap tag treatment. Making a comeback Orton ran through both opponents rather than tag Khali. But Khali tagged himself in and beat Cody with the big chop. Orton and Khali had a staredown and Khali choked Orton, but Orton ducked the chop and hit an RKO.
– Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres, Tamina and Alicia Fox d. Beth Phoenix, Natalya and The Bella Twins (Tamina pinned Brie) in 1:36. Beth did an inset promo complaining she was bored of having no competition and would be champion forever. Beth pretty much destroyed Eve with a clothesline to the face. She then tagged in Brie in not so kind fashion. Brie got distracted by Beth and Tamina won with the superfly splash. Tamina and Beth smirked at each other afterwards.
– Backstage Laurinaitis interrupted a HHH phonecall. He pointed out he was still GM and complimented the Board Of Directors. He said Shawn Michaels would be on Raw next week. HHH didn’t seem happy. He also said it’d be Cena versus Kane in an Ambulance Match at Elimination Chamber. HHH got rid of the cheery Laurinaitis.
– Laurinaitis then ran into Josh, who asked what the decision on his future would be. He said he admitted to making mistakes and that meant he was honest. He said HHH refusing to face The Undertaker meant the Board might percieve him as being cowardly and walked off.
– Six Pack Challenge: Chris Jericho d. CM Punk, R-Truth, The Miz, Dolph Ziggler and Kofi Kingston in 9:32. Everybody besides Punk jumped Jericho at the bell, taking exception to what Jericho said earlier. Punk tried to sneak a rollup on Miz instead. Everybody was in the ring at once with no tags. So there was basically a ton of brawling. Miz failed to catch R-Truth on a flip dive and Truth had to be carried to the back, turning the match into a five way instead. Punk kept trying to get the Anaconda Vice on but it was broken up by other guys. Jericho and Punk had a staredown but were attacked before they could fight. There was a stacked up superplex spot. Jericho and Miz went for a pin at the same time but neither got the win. Kofi hit Trouble In Paradise on Miz. Jericho put Kofi in the Walls Of Jericho but Punk broke it up. Finish saw Punk hit Ziggler with the GTS, but Jericho pulled him off the pin. Jericho hurled Punk over the announce table and stole the pin on Dolph. Meaning he enters the Raw Elimination Chamber match last. Jericho then stole Punk’s WWE Title and sat in the ring cross-legged ala Punk.
– But we weren’t done. Backstage, Kane trapped Eve backstage. Kane said when Cena finally embraces the hate, he’ll be in a better place. But he was afraid what he’d do if Cena didn’t get there soon. She cried. He breathed heavily. And yeah this was kinda unnerving.
NXT
– Heath Slater d. Derrick Bateman in 3:27. Striker explained he’d guaranteed every NXT competitor a match tonight before we got going. Not strictly true. Bateman got a number of near falls but Slater somehow hung on and got the win with a running neckbreaker move.
– Percy Watson d. Titus O’Neil in 4:25. Titus O’Neil was on commentary. He did a pretty good job of getting his character change across. He insisted he didn’t turn on Percy, Percy turned on him. Darren trapped Percy in the ring skirt when he tried a baseball slide, taking control of the match. But Percy was able to hit the Percycution for the finish. Titus thought about getting in the ring, but told Percy when he attacked him, he wouldn’t see it coming.
– Backstage Johnny Curtis bumped into, well, “crept up on”, Kaitlyn. He said everyone had a match except him. What a liar Striker turned out to be! Kaitlyn asked why he was shirtless and why he was even around. Curtis said he knew a secret. That secret being, Bateman was into Kaitlyn. Curtis crept off and Kaitlyn tried to blow this idea off, but seemed intrigued.
– Tyson Kidd d. Trent Barreta in 5:12. Rematch from last week. Barreta hit Kidd with a Whisper In The Wind off the barricade, which Trent took the brunt off on the floor. It neither looked, nor sounded, pretty. Trent gutted it out and both men went back and forth for a really good little match. Tyson got his lip busted in the course. A rollup reversal picked up the win for Kidd. Both guys worked hard, shame the crowd wasn’t a bit hotter, but hard to complain. They shook hands afterwards.
– Kaitlyn ran into Bateman backstage. They shared a consensual high five. Maxine broke up their palling around, to berate Bateman for losing. Kaitlyn stuck up for Bateman and they bickered, as in the background, Johnny Curtis poked his head around the corner, which was funnier than it sounds with the way they shot it. Bateman separated them and as they walked off, the shirtless Curtis crept out and said things were “getting weird”. These four are money.
– Maxine d. Kaitlyn in 3:00. Regal spent the start of this match with a soliloquoy of references to The Smiths in reference to Maxine. It was something. Maxine used a crucifix and pulled Kaitlyn’s hair to get her down, although they didn’t show a replay. But, it happened. I think.
– Tyson complimented Trent on earning his respect and suggesting they’d be a great tag team. Trent wasn’t sure about this, but Tyson told him to think about it.
– Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks d. The Usos (Reks pinned Jimmy) in 7:31. Hawkins and Reks stuggled early and Jey took Hawkins out with a dive off of his brother’s back. But a blind tag allowed Reks to cut Jey off with a boot. Crowd were into the Usos. Jimmy eventually got the tag and made a comeback on both opponents. Hawkins was sent into a cornered Reks with a hiptoss. But a cane shot from Hawkins allowed Reks to get the pin. Striker came out and pointed out what happened to the referee, but Hawkins laid him out with a right hand and they bailed.
SUPERSTARS
– Justin Gabriel d. Heath Slater in 9:36. Good match. Slater was able to prevent Gabriel from hitting the 450 on a number of occassions. On the last of which, he gave Gabriel a top rope powerslam as a counter, but only got a two count. And ultimately, Gabriel was able to get Slater down long enough to hit the 450 for the victory.
– Yoshi Tatsu d. Johnny Curtis in 3:59. A rare Superstars outing for Dirty Curty. Curtis was able to control much of the match, but Yoshi fought back and put Curtis away with the roundhouse kick.
– Epico and Primo d. Michael McGillicutty and JTG (Primo pinned JTG) in 3:02. JTG and McGillicutty were sort of working face here. I don’t know if this is another phantom off-screen turn or what. McGillicutty seemed interested in getting a kiss from Rosa (and who can blame him) but the distraction allowed the tag team champions to gain control. JTG made a very brief comeback for his team, before Primo hit the Backstabber.
– Jack Swagger d. Santino Marella in 5:39. Santino tried to use kung fu on Swagger, which didn’t really work. Swagger took over, cutting Santino off every time he tried to fight back. Finally Santino got something going and out came the Cobra. Swagger countered, but Santino turned it into a sunset flip, which the crowd bought as the finish. Moments later, Swagger got the ankle lock in for the submission. This was better than you’d expect.
SMACKDOWN
– Sheamus came out. He said he’d be watching both Chamber matches closely and by the end of the night he’ll have made his decision. He talked about being bullied as a kid, saying he wouldn’t be told what to do by anyone in WWE either. And he was proud of being a pasty faced Irishman. Wade interrupted, saying he should go after the WWE Title, because if he chose the World Title then he’d be fighting him at Wrestlemania. He said Sheamus would be a pasty faced, ginger Irish loser. Cody interrupted this, saying unlike them he’d won a match at Wrestlemania and he was a champion. He said he’d become a dual champion. Next in line was Big Show, who told Sheamus to think about Sheamus versus Big Show at Wrestlemania. Cody and Wade made fun of Show’s Wrestlemania track record and it turned into a fight. Sure enough, this lead to a tag team match.
– Great Khali d. Jinder Mahal in 2:07. Jinder now has a special protective case for his headwear. At the rate WWE increase the ‘spiritual worth’ of it every couple of weeks, I fully expect Jinder to be praying to the turban like it’s his God by May. Anyway, Jinder said he’d demand to replace Khali if he won. He didn’t. Jinder actually got some offense, before Khali hit the Punjabi Plunge.
– Aksana and her sexy music flirted with Teddy backstage. Daniel Bryan walked in just as things got uncomfortable. Bryan was mad that Teddy organised a barbecue earlier in the night. He claimed he was sick to his stomach at the idea, so he couldn’t compete tonight. Teddy wasn’t hearing this nonsense.
– Beth Phoenix d. Alicia Fox in 1:19. Beth gave Alicia the chance to leave rather than face her. She didn’t, but Beth made short work of her with the Glam Slam. As she set up for a second Glam Slam, Tamina ran out and they had a staredown.
– They aired a new Rock promo about Rock’s childhood, with a bunch of home video footage.
– Big Show and Sheamus d. Wade Barrett and Cody Rhodes (Sheamus pinned Barrett) in 9:25. Neither Cody or Barrett wanted any part of Big Show and did their best to force the other to start. They didn’t fare much better with Sheamus either. Eventually Wade and Cody were able to hit a high-low on Show and get the advantage for a while. Sheamus ran wild off the tag and after Show took Cody out with a spear, Sheamus hit the Brogue Kick to Wade for the pin.
– Cole brought AJ to the ring for an interview. AJ explained she was recovering and tried to thank everyone for their support, but Cole pulled the microphone away like a jerk. He asked if AJ blamed Big Show for what happened and asked why she was even at ringside on Raw. AJ said she didn’t blame Big Show. AJ said Cole had done a lot more damage than Big Show. She got mad at Cole for not believing in Bryan and insulting all the Divas. AJ said WWE would be a better place if Cole shut his mouth. Cole got mad at AJ, calling her both “honey” and “missy” in the midst of putting himself over. Cole told AJ that people thought Daniel Bryan set her up to get hurt and AJ had no self respect. Cole said he was looking forward to Bryan losing the title. At this point, Bryan came out. Notice that Bryan didn’t come out while Cole was insulting AJ, only when Cole mentioned him losing the title. Bryan threatened to break both Cole’s arms and Cole quickly left. He bragged about being World Champion and a role model. Bryan said instead of watching the Superbowl and eating meat and beer, he took a nature walk. He promoted the virtues of recycling, because he cared about future generations and he cared about AJ. Bryan then announced because everyone was so mean to AJ, he was taking AJ home in his Prius. Teddy stopped Bryan and AJ backstage and said he’d make sure AJ would leave safely, but if Bryan left the building, he’d be stripped of the title.
– Ted Dibiase d. Hunico in 2:40. Dibiase was mad due to the injury he suffered and got into it with Camacho as well as Hunico. Hunico targetted the injured arm and sent him outside for Camacho to hit a kick behind the referee’s back. But Ted hung in and caught Hunico with a rollup for the win.
– Cole spoke to John Laurinaitis “live on the phone” from Abu Dhabi. Laurinaitis claimed he’d dined with UAE royalty on the tour. He complimented the Board’s decision and promised Monday would be special, because Mr. Excitement was back on Raw! What a guy.
– Daniel Bryan d. Randy Orton by DQ in 10:06. Big Show did commentary. Orton was able to hold his own with Bryan in wrestlin in the early stages. Things were evenly matched until Orton got distracted with Show, making sure Show didn’t interfere and insisting Bryan was his. Bryan took Orton out with a baseball slide and asserted control of the match, targetting Orton’s arm. Orton made a comeback and things picked up near the end. Bryan went for the Labell Lock, but Orton managed to prevent him locking his hands and escaped. After hitting the DDT, Orton set up for the RKO. But Bryan escaped outside and went after Big Show. Show threw him back inside and Orton hit the RKO, but the referee awarded the match to Bryan by disqualification. Orton got mad at Big Show and they fought at the announce table, as Bryan walked off with his belt smirking.