This week: The era of legitimacy begins in WWE, as the Three Stooges guest host Raw in the biggest display of mixed messages since morse code was invented. After years away, Brock Lesnar’s UFC influence inevitably spilled over, into both WWE consciousness and an impromptu fight. A clear 10-8 round, at least on my scorecard, ending in a premature stoppage. That’s my MMA quota used up. No talk of weight cutting or top 10 rankings here. You’re welcome. Plus, Smackdowning To The Oldies, Punk takes a beer bath, release negotiated in the ongoing NXT hostage crisis and YES YES YES it’s Piper’s Pit.
RAW SUPERSHOW
– Laurinaitis and Otunga came out. He introduced the “new face of the WWE”, saying he was a dominant ruthless athlete who wasn’t here to entertain anyone, Brock Lesnar. He also announced Brock and Cena would be wrestling at Extreme Rules. Cole referenced Brock as a former UFC Heavyweight Champion. Brock thanked Laurinaitis for having the wisdom to bring legitimacy back to WWE. Cena quickly interrupted. Mixed reaction for Cena. Cena slapped Lesnar, so Lesnar took him down and rained down punches. One of them connected enough to bust Cena’s mouth up. Referees and agents hit the ring to try and break it up, quickly followed by the entire locker room. They struggled to keep them apart, as Brock and Cena kept breaking free to get some more. Eventually they were able to get Brock out of the ring. When they showed a slow-mo replay of Brock’s punch, the crowd groaned, which isn’t an everyday reaction in WWE. This couldn’t have gone much better.
– Laurinaitis yelled at Teddy backstage for not taking care of Cena. He told Teddy to get Cena. Eve showed up and wanted to talk, but Johnny told her things were hectic, so she told him to call her.
– Santino Marella and Brodus Clay d. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger (Brodus pinned Ziggler) in 4:26. Santino joined in with Brodus’s entrance. Ziggler and Swagger fared pretty well, even able to get Brodus down briefly. But Brodus got the tag and ran wild on Ziggler, finishing him off with the splash. Brodus and Santino danced again to celebrate.
– Laurinaitis told Miz they’d talk next week too. Cena walked in, having been fetched by Teddy. Cena said he was fine with legitimacy, because he liked to hit and he liked to be hit. He said he was just getting warmed up and he’d handle things at Extreme Rules, but he wanted to compete tonight as well, busted mouth or not. Laurinaitis told Teddy to inform Otunga he’d be facing Cena.
– Santino was backstage looking for the Three Stooges. Yeah, the Three Stooges were on this show. Hawkins and Reks didn’t care. Santino ended up stumbling upon Kane, who was just lurking around backstage. Santino wisely power walked away.
– R-Truth d. Cody Rhodes in 1:39. Little Jimmy’s role in Truth’s entrance gets more and more elaborate. He’s becoming quite the spotlight hog. Big Show interrupted the match to show a clip of Big Show interrupting his match to show a clip of Cody getting knocked out at Wrestlemania. I hope next week, Big Show shows a clip of him interrupting Cody’s match to show a clip of him interrupting Cody’s match to, well you get the idea with that. Anyway, Truth won with the Little Jimmy.
– Santino found the Three Stooges. Stuff happened.
– Lord Tensai d. Yoshi Tatsu by stoppage in 2:03. Yoshi had taken exception to Tensai, saying he was real Japanese and Tensai wasn’t. Much like last week, Tensai squashed Yoshi, the referee stopped things after the Baldo Bomb and Tensai used the black mist claw after the match was over.
– Punk came out for his rematch with Mark Henry, but first cut a promo. Punk tried to explain straight edge was a personal choice. He said the reasons he was straight edge were reasons he tried to keep private. He said he told himself long ago he’d make it to the top of WWE because he was the best in the world. But Jericho came along and tried to get in his head. And when none of that worked and he beat him at Wrestlemania, Jericho took things too far by pouring alcohol over his body and smashing the bottle over his head. Punk said when he came around, the first thing he thought was that he smelt like his father used to. Jericho interrupted from the big screen. He insinuated that Punk was hung over and mocked Punk. Jericho called him CM Drunk. Punk said Jericho couldn’t break him and he’d made the biggest mistake of his life by sending him to a dark place. He promised to kick Jericho’s ass.
– WWE Championship: Mark Henry d. CM Punk by DQ in 0:43. Punk went right on the attack. Henry cut him off with a clothesline, but Punk attacked Henry with the TV monitor outside. Jericho’s music hit and Jericho came out carrying two six packs of beer. This distracted Punk and Henry gave him two World’s Strongest Slams in the ring. With Punk hurt, Jericho got in the ring. Punk tried to fight back, but Jericho caught him with the Codebreaker, then poured the beers over Punk. He called him a stupid son of a bitch too. Punk tried to get back up again and Jericho gave him a second Codebreaker. Jericho then posed with the WWE Title.
– Alberto Del Rio d. Zack Ryder by submission in 1:27. Del Rio jumped Zack quickly after the bell. Zack briefly fought back, long enough to hit the boot in the corner, but that was about it and Del Rio tapped him with the armbar.
– Three Stooges segment. Will Sasso dressed as Hulk Hogan. Kane killed him with a chokeslam.
– Josh interviewed Mark Henry. Henry said he’d beaten Punk two weeks in a row, by count out and disqualification. Next week, he had Punk in a no disqualification, no count outs match and would be the next World Heavyweight Champion. I think he meant WWE Champion. But, nonetheless.
– Josh then interviewed Brock. Brock said he was proud of everything he did. He said he took WWE to heights it had never seen, left, became UFC Heavyweight Champion and was responsible for all their success too. Brock said he belonged at the top and Cena could never hold his jockstrap. Brock called himself a war machine and an ass kicker and said everyone should be proud to have him back.
– They showed a talking heads segment on the HHH Undertaker End Of An Era match.
– John Cena d. David Otunga by submission in 5:07. Laurinaitis was at ringside watching. Crowd were dead all night but woke up for Cena. A missed splash in the corner allowed Otunga to work Cena over. Otunga wasted time flexing and Cena came back to win with the AA and the STF fairly routinely. But Lesnar reappeared and booted Cena low from behind, before giving him the F5 for the second week in a row.
SMACKDOWN BLAST FROM THE PAST
– Show started with Mene Gene in the ring, introducing Sheamus. Sheamus thanked Gene and talked about the code of honor. Literally. The code of honor of being World Champion. He said there was no excuse for what he did to referee Chad Patton last week and apologised to everybody. Laurinaitis interrupted. He was mad about what Sheamus did last week and showed a replay, before demanding that Sheamus apologise. Sheamus pointed out that’s exactly what he already did. But Johnny said he didn’t hear it, so do it again. Sheamus apologised again, which wasn’t good enough for Laurinaitis. He said he was on probation and if he touched another referee he’d be fired. He said he was going to fine him $500,000 and he had a match tonight, Daniel Bryan and Alberto Del Rio against Sheamus and Mene Gene. Okay then.
– Backstage, Cowboy Bob wished Randy luck.
– Mark Henry and Randy Orton went to a no contest. They showed Cowboy Bob watching backstage as Henry got the upper hand. Orton fought back and escaped the World’s Strongest Slam, but Henry countered the RKO. Orton ended up sending Henry into the post twice and rolled back in the ring, when Kane’s pyro hit. Kane appeared on the screen and revealed he’d laid out Cowboy Bob. Randy ran backstage and got lured into an attack by Kane with a lead pipe. Kane said he was a sucker for family reunions.
– Ryback d. Benny Camer in 0:35. Benny got to cut a promo. Tony Atlas, Pat Patterson, Ted Dibiase and Hillbilly Jim watched backstage and laughed it up at the kid’s expense. Tony Atlas was amazing of course. Ryback murderised Benny with the lariat, then gave him the marching muscle buster. If they let Ryback keep doing the lariat, he’ll get over.
– Backstage, Heath Slater tried to convince Tyson Kidd to team with him against The Usos. And better yet, he had a hall of fame manage for them. Heath said he compared him to the Honky Tonk Man and knew a lot about the Hart Family. Sure enough, it was Jimmy Hart. Heath seemed a lot more excited than Tyson.
– The Usos d. Heath Slater and Tyson Kidd (Jimmy pinned Slater) in 2:36. Mick Foley came out to do commentary. I’m not sure Jimmy Hart has aged. I’d be perfectly fine with Jimmy managing Slater for real. Hart kept annoying Foley with the megaphone. Foley ended up chasing Hart into the ring with Mr Socko, distracting Slater, allowing Jey to hit a samoan drop and Jimmy hitting the superfly splash. Foley put Hart in the claw after the match.
– Roddy came out for Piper’s Pit. Piper talked about having Daniel Bryan as his guest and how he lost in 18 seconds at Wrestlemania and blamed it on his girlfriend. Piper showed Bryan breaking up with AJ, before bringing Bryan out. Bryan had his new YES YES YES t-shirt on and seemed in a good mood. Fans did the YES chants. Piper asked why he was so happy since he lost in 18 seconds. Crowd chanted 18 seconds. Bryan said he had a return match for the World Title at Extreme Rules, 2 out of 3 falls so Sheamus couldn’t win on a fluke and so he could pin him and make him tap out. He said AJ wouldn’t be there. Piper said AJ was here tonight and invited her out. AJ defended Bryan and said he was a good person deep down. Piper tried to reason with her, but AJ said it was her fault and apologised to Bryan. Piper said AJ was strong, smart and beautiful and she didn’t have to make things up to Bryan, because Bryan was using him. Bryan interrupted Piper and said if AJ loved him, she’d leave right now. Despite Piper’s assurances, AJ left. Bryan got a big ol’ smile on his face and went to leave too but Piper called him back. Piper said he had three daughters. And since Bryan had his YESs, he had some NOs. You don’t tell a lady to shut up, you don’t yell at a lady and you don’t use a lady as a human shield. He called Bryan a coward. Piper said he was looking forward to seeing Sheamus kick Bryan in the head twice. Bryan said the fact he was better than Sheamus would slap everyone across the face. He slapped Piper and bailed, yelling YES. This was great.
– The Great Khali, Natalya and Alicia Fox d. Drew McIntyre and The Bella Twins (Alicia pinned Nikki) in 0:56. Khali got the better of Drew, so he tagged out and left, saying he was “better than this”. Alicia pinned Nikki quick with a northern lights. Mae Young came out and kissed Khali. Of course, Khali is tall, so Mae kicked him in the knee to bring him down to size for the kiss. Wacky.
– Another Damien Sandow promo aired. Don’t be put off by the fact he’s a pro wrestler who has a gimmick (I mean heaven forbid, right?). He talked about being sophisticated and buried social media.
– Sheamus spoke to Gene backstage, who didn’t like their chances. Sheamus said they probably weren’t going to win, but he wasn’t going to let Laurinaitis get to him and if they survived, the first pint was on him. And they’d either drink or remember, or drink to forget.
– Hunico d. Hacksaw Jim Duggan by DQ in 1:01. Dream match. Hacksaw quickly realised he was outnumbered with Camacho are ringside and called for Sgt Slaughter for backup. Hacksaw hit Hunico with the 2×4 and Slaughter put him in the cobra clutch.
– Cody came out and said everyone should be focusing on the future, a future where he was the Intercontinental Champion again. Dusty interrupted his son. Dusty said Cody had been poking a bear lately. Cody pulled Dusty aside and said he was embarrassing him. He tried to leave, but Big Show came out. He promised not to show the clip tonight. Instead, he showed a clip of Cody doing one of his Dashing vingettes. Cody was embarrassed and tried to leave again, but Dusty started dancing just to make things worse for him.
– Sheamus and Mene Gene Okerlund d. Daniel Bryan and Alberto Del Rio (Sheamus pinned Bryan) in 3:25. Howard Finkel introduced Mene Gene and Sheamus. There were some SÍ chants for Del Rio again and some YES chants for Bryan. A Bryan distraction lead to the heels taking over on Sheamus. Bryan ducked the Brogue Kick and Del Rio attacked with a kick outside. They surrounded Gene and Ricardo got involved too. Piper lead out the rest of the legends for the save though. Del Rio escaped through the crowd and Sheamus hit the Brogue Kick on Bryan for the pin. The legends then attacked Ricardo, setting up a Brogue Kick from Sheamus. Cole got in the ring to make fun of them. Piper gave him a look like he wanted to kill him, which was great. Cole tried to apologise but Patterson laid him out.
NXT
– Johnny Curtis d. Percy Watson in 7:01. Maxine came out with Curtis, which Percy took exception to. As a result, Regal warned Maxine to stay away from the ring. So Maxine hung around at the announce table. Percy used his athleticism to his advantage. Maxine got ‘friendly’ with Regal, as Curtis targetted the arm to take control. Regal left commentary to talk with Maxine. Apparently, she explained the Striker situation to him. Percy got back in the match, as Regal left with Maxine. This served to distract Percy and Curtis rolled him up.
– Maxine walked up to Hawkins and Reks and told them she’d spoken to Regal. They told her, she didn’t get Striker until they were sure she didn’t double cross them. They left and Maxine pretended she’d been crying, right as Derrick Bateman and Kaitlyn showed up, wearing Chicks and America t-shirts. Maxine tried to cry on Bateman’s shoulder and asked for his help. Bateman agreed since he didn’t have a match and wanted to see what’d happen.
– Titus O’Neil spoke to Tamina, who was mad about what he did to Darren Young last week. Titus had a ‘peace offering’, which was the coconut tree that Darren had bought her. Tamina seemed impressed. Darren showed up and Tamina filled him in. Darren confronted Titus, who said he just wanted to prove he was better than him again
– Kaitlyn asked Bateman if he missed the simpler days of NXT, capture the flag challenges and so on. He said not at all. They were looking for Hawkins and Reks. Instead, they found Striker tied up backstage, with Hawkins’ cane nearby. They untied him and tried to help him, but Striker told them to let him handle it and he stumbled off.
– Regal found Hawkins and Reks. He apologised for underestimating them. Regal told them if anything happened to Striker, there’d be serious consequences. Hawkins and Reks decided to get Striker, frame Maxine and Curtis and look like the heroes. Except, Striker was gone. Maxine and Curtis showed up and made fun of them.
– Tyson Kidd d. Michael McGillicutty by submission in 8:13. Tyson got the better of things early on, until McGillicutty countered a dive by pulling out the apron skirt to crotch him. He then launched him across the announce table before the break. McGillicutty worked Kidd over for a while. Crowd got into Tyson’s comeback and he used the ring skirt to his advantage in a bit of payback. Tyson used a blockbuster from the top for a two count. McGillicutty then dropkicked him in mid springboard for a two of his own. Kidd countered the swinging neckbreaker, so McGillicutty tried to finish him with the Sharpshooter. But Tyson got to the ropes. McGillicutty got complacent and Kidd countered a Perfect Plex into a new submission for the win. It’s like a triangle choke, but from a Sharpshooter position. Looked pretty cool. Tyson’s really been able to step it up in the past 6 months.
SUPERSTARS
– Kofi Kingston d. Curt Hawkins in 7:07. Kofi went for Trouble In Paradise earlier, sending Hawkins outside to regroup with Reks. Kofi took Hawkins out with a dive. A distraction from Reks left Kofi open for a knee and a neckbreaker across the ring ropes. Kofi made a hot comeback and hit the SOS, but Hawkins got the ropes. Hawkins tried to throw Kofi to Reks. Kofi countered and hit Trouble In Paradise for the pin however.
– Kelly Kelly d. Brie Bella in 3:56. After an aggressive start from Kelly, Brie wanted a handshake. But Kelly stomped on the hand. Brie took control. But Kelly came back to win, countering a facebuster into a jacknife pin.
– Jinder Mahal d. Ezekial Jackson by submission in 3:42. Jinder made the mistake of slapping Zeke and got a beating for his troubles. Jinder cut Zeke off briefly, before Zeke dished out another beating after another slap. Jinder then just won with the evil 80s camel clutch out of nowhere. At least Hawkins and Kofi was fun.