This week: The Money In The Bank matches start to take shape. One very familiar but odd fitting shape on Raw and one bizarre abstract exciting new shape on Smackdown. Kane and Big Show or Tyson Kidd and Damien Sandow? You don't really have to decide, since they're on the same show. But, the choice is clear. Plus, RAW is AJ, RAW is also SID, the squash match renaissance, lots of new faces, return of the pole match and Cena performs his WWE as Star Wars fan fiction piece.
RAW SUPERSHOW
– The show started with AJ backstage, apparently talking to Bryan, Kane and Punk. She explained to “them” why their relationships wouldn't work. The camera then spun around to reveal AJ was talking to herself in a mirror.
– Vickie announced she was the interim GM for Raw and Smackdown this week. She predicted it'd become permanent by the 1000th episode.
– Triple Threat Elimination Match: Daniel Bryan d. CM Punk and Kane in 7:12. Lots of YES signs. They asked everyone to tweet who they thought AJ should be with. One of the options was all three of them. That'd be a hell of a twist to this story. Bryan and Punk doubled up to deal with Kane, before going at it themselves. They showed AJ watching. Kane regained the upper hand before Bryan avoided a makeshift doomsday device by rolling Punk up. Punk hit a dive on both. He then escaped the YES Lock and hit a roundhouse kick for two. Kane broke up the GTS, but as he set up for the Chokeslam, AJ skipped out, leading to Punk escaping the Chokeslam and hitting the GTS to eliminate him. But Bryan hit a buzzsaw kick moments later and pinned Punk to steal the win. Fun match.
– Alberto flirted with Vickie and had Ricardo give her a bouquet of flowers. He wanted to be number one contender for the World Title. Ziggler said he was, but now he had to get in line. Ziggler asked for one more shot and Vickie put them in a number one contenders match. A pole match. Ziggler busted up the flowers and poor Ricardo was sad.
– Big Show d. Brodus Clay in 2:34. With Laurinaitis gone, Brodus's ban is gone too. Brodus took the fight to Big Show, until Show took out his injured knee. Brodus fought back but went for a slam and his knee gave way, causing Show to crush him for the pin. They also announced Show in Money In The Bank. Then during the commercial, Big Show gave Brodus the KO punch as he was being helped to the back.
– AJ spoke to Kane backstage. Kane said he wasn't boyfriend material. He said he didn't do relationships and more than that, he found AJ mentally unstable. So he ditched her. AJ started crying, but that turned into her laughing.
– United States Championship: Santino Marella (c) d. Jack Swagger in 2:40 to retain the title. Santino made his big comeback and went for the Cobra. Swagger intercepted, but Santino hit a DDT and the Cobra to retain.
– Cena came out, with a big announcement. He summed up the past few months with a bunch of Star Wars references, which being such a cool guy flew over my head. Thankfully Jericho interrupted. They explained his absense, showing clips of him performing with Fozzy. Jericho told him to make his announcement and shut the hell up. Cena announced he was entering Money In The Bank for the first time ever, to stop Big Show. He managed to call the Money In The Bank briefcase a “suitcase”. Jericho said he invented the Money In The Bank match and he knew it was no joke. So instead of worrying about stopping Big Show, he should worry about stopping him. Vickie showed up and announced the WWE Title Money In The Bank match would be all former WWE Champions. She announced Kane, Big Show, Jericho and Cena as the entrants. She also booked Jericho versus Cena tonight.
– SID d. Heath Slater in 1:30. Yes, SID. Slater was able to get Sid down, for about 2 seconds. Sid then won with the Powerbomb.
– #1 Contendership On A Pole Match: Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio went to a no contest. Crowd were largely behind Ziggler. Or at least a vocal section. Del Rio gave Ziggler a samoan drop off the middle rope. After fighting for the contract, Ziggler brought it down, but the contact fell to the floor. A wacky chase for “control of the contract” ensued, with Ricardo trying to grab it as well. Neither could “get control”, so Sheamus came out and said he'd fight both of them. The “control” thing was pretty silly, since both had the contract in hand for like a second at points which apparently wasn't long enough.
– They announced Punk won the twitter poll. AJ then met up with him backstage and said she was going to dedicate the battle royal to him. Punk said they needed to have a serious talk and AJ took this as a good sign.
– AJ won the Diva's Summertime Battle Royal.
Participants: Beth Phoenix, Aksana, Maxine, AJ, Rosa Mendes, Alicia Fox, Layla, Kaitlyn, Tamina, Natalya, Vickie Guerrero
Basically it was a bikini battle royal, in not so many words. Vickie entered herself into the match in a one piece, for comedy. About three people chanted YES. If that chant is 2012's legacy, it won't have been such a bad year, will it? Everybody ganged up on Vickie. Maxine, Aksana, Alicia, Kaitlyn Rosa and Tamina all went ridiculously quickly. Beth accidentally knocked Natalya out and was dropkicked out by Layla. AJ then eliminated Layla, thanks to Beth's distraction. This left Vickie and AJ. Vickie thought she'd won, but AJ survived. They had a brief cat fight before Vickie tried to escape and AJ helped her out with a kick through the ropes. She celebrated with a YES chant of her own.
– John Cena d. Chris Jericho by DQ in 5:25. This didn't get much time. Jericho controlled things for a while, before Cena made his big comeback. Jericho countered the AA but took the five knuckle shuffle. Big Show then came out. Jericho turned the AA into the Walls Of Jericho, but Big Show calmly got in the ring and gave a helpless Cena a legdrop. Jericho left rather Cena to Big Show to save himself. Show then gave Cena a Chokeslam and put him in the Collosal Clutch.
NXT
– Seth Rollins d. Jiro in 1:33. JR and Byron Saxton were on commentary this week. Seth is, of course, the former Tyler Black and is doing his thrash dance deal for his entrance. Jiro, like Sakamoto, is a former Kaientai Dojo wrestler. Seth won quick with the driving stomp to the back of the head, which I don't think will last as a finisher somehow. Fun while it lasted.
– Briley interviewed Seth afterwards and he did a short promo, before Jinder Mahal interrupted for his match.
– Jinder Mahal d. Jason Jordan by submission in 2:53. Jinder cut a promo before the match. All Jinder, who eventually put Jordan out of his misery with the 80s camel clutch. He cut another promo afterwards, which was basically the same as the first.
– Leo Kruger d. Aiden English by submission in 1:23. Kruger got a video beforehand, claiming he was the alpha male lion. He's from a wealthy South African family. So, basically he's Jinder but South African. Kruger choked English out for the victory.
– The Ascension d. The Usos (O'Brien pinned Jimmy) in 3:40. Saxton was replaced by Regal and Chris Russo, who is (was?) the lead FCW commentator, for this match. O'Brien opened the ropes on Jey, causing him to fall to the floor and allowing The Ascension to take control. Jimmy got the tag, but The Ascension were able to hit their Downcast finisher for the win.
– Richie Steamboat d. Rick Victor in 4:25. Richie's profile video earlier in the show was strong and he came off pretty well. They showed Ricky in the crowd watching his son. Richie looked good and got the pin off a Sling Blade, which they actually called the Sling Blade.
– Antonio Cesaro d. Dante Dash in 1:46. Cesaro had new, much more fitting music, finally. Showcase for Cesaro. His piledriver finisher is now called the Neutraliser.
– Another Bray Wyatt video aired. He was preaching to a bunch of people this week. Apparently he suffered an injury recently, so hopefully that doesn't derail him, because there's definitely something here.
– Derrick Bateman d. Johnny Curtis in 3:46. Curtis started the match with a slap, which only served to fire Bateman up. Curtis was able to target Bateman's knee. But Bateman came back to hit the “DBD”, which is the side headlock driver. If there's one thing new NXT has done for me personally, it's actually give names to people's finishers, so I can actually call them something. More of that, please. Very squash heavy show this week. If anything they tried to do too much, seven matches is too many for an hour show and nothing got time. I presume this won't be the norm though.
SUPERSTARS
– Kofi Kingston d. Michael McGillicutty in 9:07. Kofi started strong and used a hurricanrana bouncing off the ropes that I've never seen anyone do before. That was something. Kofi followed up with a crossbody off the apron, but McGillicutty caught Kofi coming in with a neckbreaker and took control. Kofi eventually came back and set up the Trouble In Paradise. McGillicutty avoided and almost won catching Kofi in mid air with a dropkick. But Kofi survived and after countering the swinging neckbreaker hit Trouble In Paradise second time around. Good stuff.
– Darren Young d. Epico in 4:21. AW was mic'ed up during the entire match. That could get old real fast. At least AW is a good talker. Young hit a back suplex on the ring apron and worked Epico over. Epico was able to mount a comeback late but AW jumped on the apron. The distraction gave Titus an opening to pull the rope out from under Epico as he went for a springboard and Young capitalised with the double knee gutbuster, aka the Gut Check. This was fun too.
– Hunico and Camacho d. The Usos (Jimmy pinned Hunico) in 5:37. Usos have new gear, baggy shorts. Jey was isolated, before Jimmy ran wild. Camacho distracted Jimmy to prevent the superfly splash, allowing Hunico to use the rolling cradle off the top, but Jey broke the count. And with the referee caught up with Camacho, Jey launched Hunico into a Jimmy superkick for the win.
– Kane d. Heath Slater in 3:12. Poor Heath. Things don't get any easier. He actually had some very brief success here, but Kane inevitably won with the Chokeslam.
SMACKDOWN
– Layla d. AJ in 3:33. I miss Tiffany. Her theme living on is small consolation at least. The match was fair and largely even, before Daniel Bryan interrupted. He did a lap of the ring shouting YES YES YES, which distracted AJ and lead to Layla winning with a fancy rollup.
– AJ attacked Layla, as Bryan looked on. Bryan said he wasn't doing this for attention like AJ, he said he had something important to say. He called Vickie out and kept yelling YES until she came out, which AJ mimmicked. Eventually, Vickie arrived to stop Bryan and AJ yelling YES at each other. Vickie got mad at Bryan for repeating the same annoying catchphrase. And then screamed Excuse Me at the crowd. Bryan sucked up to Vickie and wanted AJ to be banned from ringside at Money In The Bank. Instead, Vickie announced the results of a WWE.com poll, which meant AJ would be the special guest referee at Money In The Bank. AJ celebrated with some YES YES YES action. Bryan was outraged and started shouting NO NO NO over and over again in rage. Vickie complimented the Board Of Directors on their decision and announced Money In The Bank qualifiers tonight.
– Money In The Bank Qualifying Match: Damien Sandow d. Zack Ryder in 2:26. Sandow called Zack the WWE's official ambassador for ignorance and promised us that soon we'd have a World Champion to bring us enlightenment. I'm in. Booker actually mentioned Lanny Poffo here. Zack started hot but Sandow kicked his knee out and went on the attack. Zack fought back and went for the Ruff Ryder. But Sandow threw him off into the ropes and hit the cross arm neckbreaker to advance to Money In The Bank. Hooray!
– Bryan tried to talk to AJ. Instead he got Kailyn, who told Bryan he'd better get on her good side.
– Money In The Bank Qualifying Match: Tyson Kidd d. Jack Swagger in 4:25. Swagger had his troubles early. He regrouped and worked Kidd's arm. Swagger couldn't put Kidd away though and Kidd escaped the ankle lock, then caught Swagger with a blockbuster for the surprise win. Hooray! I hope they don't retcon this between now and Money In The Bank.
– Ziggler wanted Vickie to help him out and ban the Brogue Kick and cross armbreaker tonight. Vickie didn't want to cross the board of directors. Ziggler got mad and Vickie slapped some sense into him.
– Money In The Bank Qualifying Match: Santino Marella and Christian d. David Otunga and Cody Rhodes (Christian pinned Otunga) in 6:15. Both members of the winning team would qualify. Otunga and Cody worked over Christian. Santino tagged in and managed to hit Otunga with the Cobra, but Cody pulled him to safety and cut Santino off. Christian made a comeback, until Otunga prevented the Spear. Otunga accidentally hit Cody though and Christian speared Otunga instead.
– Striker interviewed Sheamus. He said he didn't get where he was by worrying and tonight, he saw tonight as an opportunity to prove he was better than Del Rio and Dolph. In summary, he didn't worry, he just kicked arse.
– Backstage Bryan finally ran into AJ. He apologised for costing her her match and claimed he was concerned about her. AJ just stared at him, before skipping off doing the YESs again.
– Two On One Handicap Match: Ryback d. Dan Barone and Brendan Burke in 1:51. The jobbers did an awful rap. Someone held up a Dr. Zoidberg sign in the background. Not important, but I'm going to mention it anyway. Ryback destroyed them of course.
– Teddy interrupted Cesaro and Aksana making out backstage. He said he had no hard feelings over what they did, but he would be in control next week. Aksana tried flirting with Teddy, but he put them in a tag match next week, against Layla and Great Khali.
– Money In The Bank Qualifying Match: Tensai d. Justin Gabriel in 2:47. Tensai had Sakamoto with him, after the beating he gave him a few weeks ago. He seemed understandably nervous. Gabriel was valiant and actually knocked Tensai down with a missile dropkick. But he was eventually beaten with the choke bomb and senton.
– World Championship Triple Threat Match: Sheamus (c) d. Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio in 10:44 to retain the title. Del Rio promised to win, despite not getting a one on one match. Sheamus fought off both challengers for a while, until Del Rio managed to attack his arm. Momentum swung between all three before Del Rio and Ziggler eventually conspired to team up on Sheamus. Their alliance didn't last long before breaking down, allowing Sheamus to take them both out with a flying shoulder block. Sheamus ran wild on both and hit White Noise on Ziggler, but Del Rio broke up the Brogue Kick. Sheamus's arm was targetted again and Del Rio applied the cross armbreaker, but Ziggler broke that up. Finish saw Ziggler run Del Rio into Ricardo and roll him up, but Sheamus hit the Brogue Kick, dumped Del Rio and got the pin. Good main event and the crowd were into Sheamus.