IMPACT Wrestling 1/3/13 Preview:
- Sting returns after a long absence and he’s got The Aces and 8’s, D.O.C. in particular, in his crosshairs.
- Hulk Hogan seeks answers from Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan about their relationship.
- An X-Division Tournament will begin to find the next #1 contender to champion Rob Van Dam. Christian York takes on Kid Kash tonight while Kenny King and Zema Ion duel next week.
- TNA will announce who the fans voted as “Wrestler of the Year”.
- In what I assume will be the main event, Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe team up to take on TV Champion Devon and a member of the Aces and 8’s in a Steel Cage.
All this and much more on the first IMPACT Wrestling of 2013.
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*****
[Previously on IMPACT Wrestling]: Austin Aries and Bobby Roode clash over their desire to beat Jeff Hardy for the TNA World Heavyweight Title, Hulk Hogan continues not to trust Bully Ray and also discovers Ray macking with Brooke Hogan, D.O.C. takes out Sting and now he has returned for revenge.
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[[And the 2012 Wrestler of the Year is…]]
The pyro goes off and we’re LIVE once again from the Impact Zone in Orlando, FL. Todd Keneley welcomes the home audience then quickly sends it to the ring where Jeremy Borash is standing complete with a big trophy. Borash says it’s time to announce the 2012 Wrestler of the Year as voted by the TNA fans. He introduces the five nominees (Bully Ray, James Storm, Austin Aries, Bobby Roode, and Jeff Hardy) and each comes out and stands on the entrance stage awaiting the results.
A drum roll starts (seriously) and Aries/Roode preemptively make their way down to accept the award, arguing with one another. Borash announce the actual winner, which is Hardy because obviously. Hardy makes his way to the ring to accept the award, passing by Aries and Roode on the way there. The Impact Zone gives him a loud ovation and a “Hardy!” chant because, again, obviously they do. Hardy grabs a mic and wishes everyone a happy new year. He says that being the 2012 Wrestler of the Year is just as important as the TNA World Heavyweight Title.
Roode stalks into the ring to interrupt Hardy and says that the W.O.T.Y. award meaning as much as the World Title is a “bunch of crap”. Roode says there is nothing more important than the World Heavyweight Title then talks about how he set records and made history by becoming the longest reigning World Champ in TNA history. Roode says that the fact he isn’t the Wrestler of the Year is a bunch of bullsh…
Aries is now in the ring and interrupts Roode mid-curse word. Aries makes a case for why he deserves the Wrestler of the Year trophy. Aries and Roode argue over who deserves it and Hardy interjects. He challenges them to a triple threat match out of nowhere for Genesis and says 2013 is the “Year of the Enigma”. Aries and Roode immediately beat Hardy down, but Hardy escapes a trophy shot and drops Aries with a Twist of Fate. Hardy holds up the now-dented trophy in the air then exits the ring as the announcers hype up the now announced Genesis main event.
- [Segment Thoughts]: A completely unsurprising WOTY result and I have no reason to believe this was rigged in any way. Hardy’s promo was okay but the man YELLS TOO MUCH for it to ever be MEANINGFUL when he DOES. Also Hardy deciding to randomly grant a triple threat match against Aries/Roode at Genesis was just awkward. But despite these criticisms, this wasn’t a bad way to start the show.
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We go to the announce table where Todd Keneley is joined by Mike Tenay and Taz. They hype up tonight’s show some more.
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The mystery interviewer tries to interview James Storm backstage about not being 2012 Wrestler of the Year, but he’s quickly interrupted by Christopher Daniels/Frankie Kazarian. They do a faux interview with Daniels doing a perfect imitation of Storm. Storm fake laughs and says he’ll punch Daniels in the Twitter and Kazarian right in the Facebook. He also mentions Instagram. Storm spits in Daniels’ Appletini and tells them to decide among themselves who gets to face him next. Storm stalks off and Kazarian says “you forgot about MySpace, turd”.
- [Thoughts]: Now that was awesome. Someone give Daniels the TNA World Title already. Or Kazarian. I’m not picky (seriously though, Daniels).
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-Commercial Break-
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James Storm is already in the ring for the opening contest. Christopher Daniels and Frankie Kazarian make their way out to the ring. Daniels decides to take the challenge and heads inside. Storm turns his attention and Kazarian attacks him from behind so I guess he is wrestling instead.
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[[Match #1]]: James Storm Vs. Frankie Kazarian (w/ Christopher Daniels)
Kazarian is in control until Storm skins the cat and takes him down with a Thesz press. Storm drops Kazarian with a clothesline and sends him over the top rope and onto the floor. Storm launches himself onto Kazarian, but Daniels quickly makes sure that Kazarian gets back in control. Back in the ring Storm breaks out of a reverse chinlock but Kazarian sends him to the mat via hair and follows it up with a legdrop. Storm hits the Closing Time (reverse lung blower) out of nowhere to regain the advantage. Kazarian reverses an Irish whip but is taken down with a Russian legsweep. Storm heads to the top rope and connects with a long distance elbow drop for a 2-count. Daniels distracts Storm, allowing Kazarian to dropkick him into the turnbuckles. Kazarian hits a sort-of F-5 for a 2-count. Storm hits another Closing Time and signals for the Last Call. Daniels jumps the apron and Storm kicks him off. Kazarian tries for a corner splash but Storm side-steps it. Kazarian jumps to the second rope but gets caught with the Last Call on the way down for the 1…2…3!
Winner [via Pinfall]: James Storm (4:05).
- [Match Thoughts]: Fun opening match, although sloppy in parts.
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[IMPACT Hype]: Angle/Joe Vs. Aces and 8’s in the cage.
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Devon is backstage, beer in hand, talking to Mr. Anderson who himself has two women on his arm. He asks Mr. Anderson for an answer, but Anderson stalls him and says they should take more time. D.O.C. walks in and demands to know if Anderson is in or out. Anderson agrees to it and says they should not show Sting an ounce of fear. He hands D.O.C. his ballpeen hammer. Devon says it’s time to show Sting what’s up and asks a prospect if he’s seen his bat. The prospect says he hasn’t.
- [Thoughts]: That was a thing that happened. Anderson being forced to decide makes me think he’s going to pull a swerve and help Sting in the fight. As if I could care less about this whole thing…
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-Commercial Break-
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Kenny King stops Kid Kash backstage. King talks about how much of a fan he was of Kash growing up. King talks about the 4 man tournament for the #1 Contendership for the X-Division Title. Kash is facing Christian York tonight, King facing Zema Ion next week. King says they’ll be meeting in the finals then walks off. Okay.
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A video package highlights The Aces and 8’s, as well as The Director of Chaos and Sting.
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The generic biker music hits and out comes D.O.C. to the ring. He is handed a hammer and a mic by the one of the biker babes and steps into the ring. D.O.C. calls Sting out, begging him to “join the party”. He says it’s “1-3-13” and Sting has been calling him a marked man for the past few weeks. D.O.C. says he doesn’t feel like a marked man and asks Sting where he is. D.O.C. stares at his (horrifyingly fake-looking) hammer, gets angry, and yells that this is “bullshit!”. He says he’s tired of waiting and he’s wasting his time and Aces and 8’s time. D.O.C. continues to bait Sting to no avail. A bat drops into the ring from the Impact Zone rafters. D.O.C. screams at Sting saying he isn’t afraid as it awkwardly cuts to commercial.
- [Thoughts]: Ahem…this.
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The mystery interviewer ambushes Brooke Hogan and asks her about Bully Ray and Hulk Hogan. Brooke says she’ll find out on Live TV like usual.
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Kid Kash is already in the ring. His opponent Christian York makes his way out.
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[Match #2]: Christian York Vs. Kid Kash
Kash immediately attacks York before the bell, but York fights back and sends him out to the floor. Kash regains advantage by pulling York out and chopping him. Kash follows up with an over the top rope hurricanrana onto the floor. Kash rolls York into the ring but gets caught with a dropkick mid-springboard. York drops Kash and heads to the top rope. Kash side-steps and shrugs York off during a roll-up attempt. York cracks Kash in the face and follows up with a half-nelson suplex. Kid suplex slams York to the mat and lays the forearms into York’s face while he’s draped over the second rope. Kash goes for a moonsault but York gets the knees up. York ducks a clothesline and badly botches a Tajiri-like springboard into a spin kick for a 2-count. York catches Kash mid-kick and throws him to the mat. York drives him to the ground but only gets another 2-count. Kash gets an inside cradle for a 2-count. York rolls through a back slide attempt and connects with the Mood Swing for the 1…2…3.
Winner [via Pinfall]: Christian York (3:44).
- [Match Thoughts]: York looked like warmed-over sh*t in that match and definitely his worst outing since making his return to TNA. Oof. Kid Kash was good though and has recently upped his game. He seems more motivated. Maybe his brief stint in OVW scared him into caring again.
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Chavo Guerrero Jr. is backstage with his tag partner Hernandez. Chavo says he’s not scared of Joey Ryan and his “big man” because he’s got one of his own.
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-Commercial Break-
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Hernandez makes his way out accompanied by his tag team partner Chavo Guerrero Jr. Tenay announces that Guerrero/Hernandez will defend the Tag belts against Joey Ryan/Matt Morgan. And speak of the devils out they come. However Morgan’s arm is in a sling and he says that he injured himself working out. Morgan says he’ll be sitting this one out and offers Ryan as his replacement. Ryan is not excited about this.
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[Match #3]: Hernandez (w/ Chavo Guerrero Jr.) Vs. Joey Ryan (w/ Matt Morgan)
Ryan attacks Hernandez right at the bell but Hernandez overpowers him with a scoop slam. Hernandez follows it up with an over the shoulder backbreaker and begs Ryan to get back up. Morgan grabs Hernandez’s leg to distract him and the two start arguing. Ryan tries to take advantage with a clothesline but Hernandez ducks it and Pounces Ryan to the mat. Morgan gets into the ring, takes off the sling, and drops Hernandez with a rolling forearm for the DQ.
Winner [via DQ]: Hernandez (0:57)
- [Match Thoughts]: Morgan faking his injury was not a surprise but also completely pointless and accomplished nothing. Neither did this match.
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[Post-Match]: Chavo comes in to attack Ryan and Morgan drops him with the Carbon Footprint.
- [Thoughts]: As boring as I find Morgan, I’ll always be fine with someone dropping Chavo.
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Hulk Hogan is making his way to the ring. SECOND HOUR BEGINS NEXT, DUDE.
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-Commercial Break-
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Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe are backstage with Wes Brisco and Garett Bischoff. Angle thanks them for their help over the weeks but says he and Joe have this one and they can wait in the back. They try to fight it, but Joe snaps at them. Angle defuses the situation and Brisco/Bischoff reluctantly agree not to be ringside. Angle talks with Joe and says his goal to unmask every member of The Aces and 8’s begins tonight.
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We see the Knockouts stretching and getting ready for tag team action later tonight (Miss Tessmacher/Mickie James/Tara/Gail Kim).
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A video package catches everyone up on the Bully Ray/Brooke Hogan/Hulk Hogan drama.
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[[Hulk Hogan Wants Answers, BROTHER!]]
“Not Quite the nWo Theme” kicks up and GM Hulk Hogan makes his way out to the Impact Zone. The pyro goes off still but Hogan is in no mood to pose or play air guitar; he’s all business, jack. Hogan gets into the ring and grabs a mic. Hogan gets down to business immediately, starting with apologizing to the Impact Zone for not being on the show last week due to seeing Ray/Brooke making out two weeks ago. Hogan says he’s here this week to take care of business “in the public eye” and calls Ray and his daughter out to the ring.
Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan make their way out to Ray’s theme music. Hogan brings up “the code of ethics” of pro wrestling (what code of ethics?) and says Ray owed him an explanation for what was going on between him and his daughter. Hogan only has one question: “why?”. Ray says Hogan is right and he should have come clean with him and told him about he and Brooke. Ray says all the heat is on him for this one. Hogan says he’s been trying to tell everyone since Day 1 that Ray is “no good” and doesn’t belong in “this business”. Hogan says that as of now, Ray is suspended without pay from TNA. Brooke protests so Hogan tells her to get out of his ring as well. Ray is in disbelief but off they go, holding hands. Ray stops to stare at Hogan as “Not Quite the nWo Theme” blares up. Ray and Brooke stalk off.
- [Segment Thoughts]: So Bully Ray proves himself to be a stand-up guy and even defended Brooke’s honor against Austin Aries, and Hulk suspends him? The whole “overprotective father” line of logic only goes so far. Ridiculous. What the hell is this?
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-Commercial Break-
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We see a replay of Hulk Hogan indefinitely suspending Bully Ray from literally four minutes ago.
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[[Meanwhile in OVW…]]
Trainer Danny Davis says that Joseph Park has been at the facility every day of the week and talks of his passion for pro wrestling. Davis says he’s impressed with Park. Park himself says he has really dedicated himself to wrestling and has been watching tons of tapes. He says he realizes how much potential he has and how he needs to be a student of the game. All of this is intersped with clips of Park training, and it looks like he has improved. Davis says Park could be a game changer for the business. Park meets Davis in his office, and Davis says he has heart and passion. Davis wishes Park luck. Park thanks him and leaves, and we see a brief shot of Crimson because he’s been banished to OVW forever now.
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Gail Kim makes her way out for the Knockouts Tag team match. Her partner, Knockouts Champ Tara, makes her way out next with boyfriend Jessie Godderz in tow. Their opponents, Miss Tessmacher and Mickie James make their way out next, each to their own theme.
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[Match #4]: Miss Tessmacher & Mickie James Vs. *TNA Knockouts Champion* Tara (w/ Jessie Godderz) & Gail Kim
Tessmacher and Kim start the match off. Kim whips Tessmacher into the corner but gets a second rope clothesline for her troubles plus a monkey flip. Tessmacher hits the ropes but Tara hits her from behind to stop the momentum. Tara tags in and does a really bad job at raking her eyes across the ropes (bad camera angle showed how fake it was). Tara whips Tessmacher into the ropes but James blind tags and kicks her in the face. James dropkicks Kim out of the ring and the two babyfaces celebrate in the ring as referee Taryn Terrell checks on the heels. Tara and Kim argue, and James/Tessmacher bash their heads together (Kim briefly sells a hair pull before James even shows up). Back in the ring the heels beat James down while Tessmacher accidentally distracts Terrell. Reverse chinlock from Tara as we go to commercial.
-Commercial Break-
James is still in trouble as we come back from break. Tara and Kim whip her into the corner and Kim sends Tara in for a splash. James side steps it then clotheslines Kim down. Tessmacher gets the hot tag and drops Tara with repeated clotheslines followed by a sort-of forearm. Tessmacher whips Tara into the corner and they botch something or another. Tessmacher shakes her ass and Tara bails out of the ring. What is this?
Kim cheap-shots Kim while Terrell is distracted. Tara rolls back in and chokes Tessmacher very blatantly and illegally. Tara then tosses Tessmacher across the ring by her hair. Backbreaker by Tara for a 2-count. Kim tags back in and repeatedly kicks at Tessmacher in the corner. She blows a kiss at James, causing her to get into the ring and distract Terrell while the double team occurs. Kim hits a gut buster for a 2-count. Kim drops Tessmacher with a running clothesline but only gets another 2. Kim chokes Tessmacher with her knee. Tessmacher side steps a Kim corner splash, and Kim falls all the way to the outside. Tessmacher goes for the tag but Kim pulls James off the apron before rolling back into the ring to continue assaulting Tessmacher. Tara tags in and hits an over the top rope legdrop for a 2-count. Tara scoop slams Tessmacher to the mat but her standing moonsault results in knees to the gut. Tessmacher connects with a running face drop (slam? I don’t know).
James gets the hot tag and she drops the also legal now Kim with a Thesz press. She drops Tara off the apron then takes Kim down with an enziguri, following it up with a neckbreaker for the 1…2…Tara makes the save. Tessmacher runs in and attacks Tara. Tara bails to the outside and Godderz checks on her. Tessmacher climbs to the top and splashes the lovers to the delight of the Impact Zone crowd. Kim misses another corner splash and connects with the Mickie-DT for the 1…2…3!
Winners [via Pinfall]: Miss Tessmacher & Mickie James (13:10)
- [Match Thoughts]: That went on way longer than it needed to and had literally no point to it. Also there were some ugly botches and weird stalls in the action that made it seem like none of the four involved had any plan going into the match. Just not very good all around, although it picked up in the end. Barely.
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We are at The Aces and 8’s table where D.O.C. is with Devon and the masked recruits. One of the masked guys says they need to protect their masks with their lives in the face of Kurt Angle‘s threat.
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-Commercial Break-
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ODB is backstage. She talks backstage about The Aces and 8’s and hypes the return of Sting. She then brings up her husband Eric Young and promises that he will return to the Impact Zone with her by her side.
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We see shots of the cage being set up before recapping the earlier announcement of the Hardy/Aries/Roode World Title main event at Genesis.
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Austin Aries and Bobby Roode bug Hulk Hogan as he heads to his office. His attempts to brush them off to no avail. They try to talk Hogan out of having the triple threat match at Genesis but Hogan says it’s going to happen and it’s going to be elimination-style. They continue to argue and Hogan announces that they will be teaming next week against Jeff Hardy and a partner of Hardy’s choosing. They argue some more about being partners as they leave Hogan’s office.
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Devon and SkullFace (a masked Aces and 8’s guy) make their way out for the main event cage match. Their opponents, Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe, make their way out separately and to their own themes. Angle goes to get in the cage, but D.O.C. attacks him and bashes him in the head with the cage door. D.O.C. locks Joe in the ring with Devon/SkullFace, forced to face them alone. THE REF RINGS THE BELL FOR SOME F*CKING REASON.
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[Main Event]: Kurt Angle & Samoa Joe Vs. *TNA Television Champion* Devon & SkullFace in a STEEL CAGE MATCH
D.O.C. continues to beat on Angle outside, as Joe tries to take Devon and SkullFace on his own. Joe goes the divide and conquer route, hitting each member separately. Joe tries to get the door open but the padlock is stuck. The ref outside doesn’t have the key. SkullFace accidentally clotheslines Devon then hits the knee in the corner to SkullFace before paintbrushing him with his boot repeatedly. Joe goes for a running kick but Devon blindsides him. The Aces and 8’s continue the 2 on 1 assault, taking turns punching him into oblivacry (copyright Shane Douglas). Joe starts fighting back but the numbers game is just too much for him. Angle is up and is trying to rip the door open but Devon kicks the cage into his face or something. The match which shouldn’t be happening continues after this commercial break.
-Commercial Break-
Joe is mounting a comeback as we return from break, dropping both members of the Aces and 8’s. Angle starts climbing the cage but D.O.C. pulls him off. Angle hits D.O.C. in the nuts and takes the padlock key. He unlocks the cage door and in comes Angle. Devon gets dropped with a forearm and SkullFace gets dropped with a second-rope missile dropkick. Angle goes to rip off SkullFace’s hood but D.O.C. distracts him and once again Angle’s skull is attacked by the cage door. Joe gets distracted and Devon/SkullFace attack him from behind. SkullFace splashes him in the corner. Side slam by SkullFace onto Angle. Devon goes to the top rope but misses a headbutt. Joe drops SkullFace with a dropkick and all four men are down. Angle is bleeding and hits the three German suplexes on Devon followed by one German on SkullFace. Angle and Joe both send Devon into the cage. Angle drops SkullFace with the Angle Slam for the 1…2…3! Wait what?
Winners [via Pinfall]: Kurt Angle & Samoa Joe (11:46)
- [Match Thoughts]: I cannot believe that the ref started the match after it became a handicap contest. Why even do that? Why even bother? The match itself was the dull 2 on 1 affair that I expected, and was absolutely underwhelming even when Angle finally made his way into the cage to Superman the sh*t out of Devon and SkullFace. And The Aces and 8’s eat another loss, making them look weak as usual. What transpired after didn’t help either. Flatline.
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[Post-Match]: D.O.C. gets into the ring, making it a 3 on 2 situation. The other masked members of Aces and 8’s file into the cage and join in on the brawl. Mr. Anderson just kind of watches on the outside. Sting appears from the back, t-shirt and all, and walks into the cage to take everyone out with his baseball bat. Sting sends the big haired one into the cage door and goes after D.O.C. who bails out to the floor. Sting, Angle, and Joe surround SkullFace and he gets a bat to the gut and the back. Angle rips the mask off of SkullFace, revealing…Mike Knox. And the crowd goes mild! The Aces and 8’s try to shield him as they exit. Sting, Angle, and Joe celebrate as we fade to logo.
- [Thoughts]: So they spent weeks building up Sting’s return, and all he does is waddle out to the ring like it’s just any other week? No pyro? No lights out? AND STILL WEARING A T-SHIRT OVER HIS GEAR? Wow. Anti-climactic doesn’t even begin to describe that. Also Mr. Anderson added nothing and the Mike Knox reveal is cool for hardcore wrestling fans but does absolutely nothing for most of the people watching (this guy included). These reveals have no weight and no surprise; they just happen. What a horrible ending to a horrible show. The first IMPACT Wrestling of 2013 has left a bad taste in my mouth and if things don’t improve by the end of this month, I’m taking a break from them.
*****
An Overview:
- Best Match: James Storm Vs. Frankie Kazarian
- Worst Match: Hernandez Vs. Joey Ryan
- Best Moment(s): Daniels imitates James Storm, Roode/Aries constantly arguing.
- Worst Moment(s): Pretty much everything else.
- Worth Watching?: NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
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Jon appears courtesy of his own site The Pro Wrestling Nerd. You can also find him talking about random wrestling-related nonsense over on Twitter.