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Hello lover and hater of things, Justin Houston here with the debut edition of “Rubbed RAW”. What’s “Rubbed RAW”, you ask? Well, it’s an opinion column that will always begin with a recap of Monday Night RAW. It will drop Mondays immediately after that episode finishes. Or like 45 minutes after. Heck, if Cena’s main eventing, you better hope somebody comes along and wakes my ass up or else you’re not getting one AT ALL. As you might have already guessed by the sassy column title, I am THAT wrestling fan. I think “entertainment” is trying to slowly but steadily butt fuck wrestling into some sort of faux sport reality show. Oh, you disagree? SNOOKI. WRESTLEMANIA 27. GO FUCK YOURSELF. I also think that Triple H is a jackass, that Vince McMahon thinks all adult males below 5’10” should be marched into gas chambers and that John Cena is a festering pustule on wrestling’s anus. See, now most smarks would’ve said cancer on wrestling’s anus. But I am totally, completely, profoundly against inaccurate hyperbole, okay y’all? Let’s see, what else…oh! I’m from the South (sorry about slavery) and I’m super white (SORRY ABOUT SLAVERY). So there, we are acquainted. The plan is to do this every week until something happens and I don’t do it anymore. Could be Armageddon. Could be I don’t feel like writing it anymore. Could be years from now. This could be the only edition of “Rubbed RAW” that ever gets published. That would make it a rare collectable! Also, I’m gonna accidentally call this fucking column “Rubber Raw” so many times, it’s unhilarious. I’ve done it seventeen times already. Please disregard. This is “Rubbed RAW”, like rash on a penis. Like an itchy, throbbing red sore on a big, fat, sweaty, swingin’ dick. On that note, time for fun! YAAAYWOOOOOAHHHHH! This week, it’s a fairly straight forward edition. First up is the Raw recap, which will surely get shorter and shorter as I relearn how to do this. Lastly is a piece I wrote about John Cena that will CHANGE EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT JOHN CENA. Or it will tread the same arguments that have been made for ten years and bore the balls off you. Whatever. I wrote it three weeks ago for literally no reason other than to write it and, as of three days ago, now have a column. So I’m running it, damnit. I had to remove CM Punk a lot though. That…that was sad. Anyway. Read my shit.

 

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RAW Recap: February 24th, 2014

– Raw kicks off with Hulk Hogan! He gets an enormous response and doesn’t look a day over 70. JBL, Cole and King give the man a standing ovation, as does the crowd. Hogan calls this the turning point of his career because he’s home. He talks about WrestleMania’s legacy, the WWE Network, Hulkamaniacs, the future of the WWE and WrestleMania 30. He announces he’s the host of that event, which we already knew. He runs through catchphrases and signature poses. He leaves. Alright. The announce team goes ON AND ON about–did you hear the WWE has a Network now?! This is gonna be a three hour commercial for the fucking WWE Network, folks.

– They announce Daniel Bryan vs. Kane, Batista vs. Alberto Del Rio II, and Brock Lesnar is gonna show up He’s gonna either murder someone or be confronted by Old Man Undertaker. Possibly both.

1. Alberto Del Rio d. Batista via schoolboy. Fans boo the shit out of “The Animal”. They actually acknowledge the boos on air! Batista even points to a “BooTista” sign. He’s mocking the booing fans, too. Match was alright, just like last night’s. Batista had the match in hand until Orton came out. His music distracts Dave long enough to allow Del Rio to score a roll-up victory. Orton mentions the Batista boos. Everyone chants for “CM Punk”. Batista says he loves wrestling. Everyone boos. He calls the WWE Universe “real”, insinuates Randy is somehow NOT real and says everybody needs to deal with the fact that he’s the next champion. EVERYONE BOOS EVERYTHING.

2. Big E d. Cesaro via disqualification in a non-title match. Winner gets the other half of his name back so this is SERIOUS. Great, long, hard-hitting match. Fans chant “USA” during the match, which is kind of confusing. Cesaro gives Big E the biggest, scariest tilt-a-whirl backbreaker ever, adding yet another entry into “The Impossible Feats of Cesaro”, coming soon to book stores near you. They also mention Big E’s actual first name, Ettore. Totally Googled the spelling. Anyway, Swagger ate a lariat on the floor from Big E. When Cesaro was going for the Neutralizer, Swagger ran in and attacked Big E, causing a DQ. Lots of tension within The Real Americans. Big E attacks and ends up eating a Neutralizer anyway.

– Cena’s gonna address the Wyatt Family. I’m sure with a calm and rational demeanor.

– More WWE Network commercials.

– John Cena comes out and puts over Hogan. He kind of puts over Bray Wyatt and his misfit toys before challenging him to a RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW battle of fisticuffs. Enter the Wyatts. Bray says a bunch of stuff that SOUNDS true but is really just a bunch of words strung together. He introduces himself properly to Cena, threatening him. Cena returns the favor in almost the exact same manner except he sounds a bit like Si from Duck Dynasty in the process. They run in and mess Cena up. He’s hurt, but he continues to fight anyway because of toughness or something. The crowd is chanting for Punk and Bryan and anyone more interesting they can think of to come out and make this more watchable. Cena gets up, Bray puts him down yet again. The Wyatts finally put him down for good and Bray gets some real good heat out of it.

– They show Sheamus and Christian arguing BEFORE Raw, because that’s a thing that can happen now. They’re gonna fight about it.

3. Sheamus d. Christian via Brogue Kick. These guys can have good matches with each other in their sleep. Fairly quiet crowd throughout, but still really good. Lots of really smooth counters, which Christian does better than anyone. Finish came when Christian went for his diving elbow off the top and Sheamus eviscerated him with the Brogue Kick.

– We see more preshow footage, this time involving Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. They talk about the WWE Network and Daniel Bryan shows up shouting about how they’re both complete dicks. He challenges Triple H to fight him at WrestleMania. Trips laughs at this, Bryan yells some more and Steph reminds him that he faces Kane tonight. Trips laughs some more and they leave.

– The Shield is show backstage. Seth  Rollins and Roman Reigns keep jabbing at Dean Ambrose about where he was at the end of their match against The Wyatts last night. Ambrose storms off. The Wyatts show up. Reigns challenges Bray to a match with one condition: he’ll leave “the hounds” at home if Bray comes without his freaks. Bray calls Roman an interesting creature and accepts the match…I think for tonight? Good segment.

4. Daniel Bryan d. Kane via busaiku knee. Fantastic match, of course, but with a little EXTRA intensity from Bryan. This felt like a feud-ending fight. Bryan went for the Flying Headbutt but Kane caught him and planted him with the chokeslam. But Bryan kicked out! He ducked a clothesline and drilled Kane with the running knee for the victory.

– After the match, Daniel Bryan calls Triple H a coward. He SCREAMS it a second time. He reiterates his challenge to Trips for a match at Mania. He says Hunter doesn’t care about the WWE Universe, starting a Yes chant and telling HHH to listen to them and give them what they want.

– Another craptastic vignette for Alexander Rusev. I’m sure the guy is just fine but this is straight out of 1987. This is “Rocky 8: Rusev’s Revenge”. That is not a compliment despite any implication to the contrary.

5. Emma w/ Santio d. Summer Rae w/ Fandango via Emma Lock. For a four minute Diva contest, this was good. Summer Rae is probably their next big Diva, which is fine by me because I think she’s got TONS of potential. Emma gets a nice chant mid-match and ends up locking on her version of a Muta Lock for the tapout victory. Got a nice pop from the crowd, too. More Emma/Santino shenanigans afterwards.

6. The Usos d. The New Age Outlaws via flying splash in a non-title match. The match starts, but NAO still want to do their shtick. The Usos allow them to get about halfway through before Road Dogg eats a superkick and the top rope splash for an Uso victory. Lots of boos for The Usos for interrupting the shtick because whoever took charge of the tag division a month ago is an idiot.

– They’re taking Cena to a hospital for evaluation. THEY MAY HAVE TO AMPUTATE. Also, Wyatt vs. Reigns is our main event match so that means Lesnar goes on last. Gotta be Taker, right?

7. Bray Wyatt d. Roman Reigns via disqualification. Surprisingly disinterested crowd at the beginning. All the common chants are run through. Some “Husky Harris” chants even. Bray has hit that running elbow block three times now. Reigns calls for the Superman Punch and The Wyatt Family “music” hits. Harper and Rowan are here, but Rollins shows up and dives out onto them! The odds are briefly against The Shield, but Ambrose shows back up and evens the odds. Superman Punch to Wyatt, but Dean’s brawling gets Reigns disqualified. The Shield holds the ring as The Wyatt Family retreats. Not either man’s best effort, but  the crowd didn’t help.

– Brock Lesnar comes out with his rage wrangler Paul Heyman. There’s a table in the middle of the ring covered in a very fine, very soft-looking black sheet. It’s all very elegant. Heyman says Orton and Batista should get their match out of the way NOW so Lesnar can engorged the winner at Mania. Apparently this is not happening, but they did give Lesnar an open contract to face anyone he wants at Mania. Someone cue Taker. Heyman begins talking about how Lesnar is a conqueror of history. Someone cue Taker, damnit! The fans are chanting “Undertaker”! Heyman says all he wants is to make history at WrestleMania. For God’s sake! Some find—here! Finally! It’s The Undertaker. HUGE ovation for Taker, still rocking that classic jet-black goatee and soul patch. They go nose to nose and Brock is honestly a bit intimidated…at first. Brock grins, signs his part of the contract and presses the pen against the chest of The Undertaker. Heyman invites him to sign the contract. Taker instead stabs Lesnar in the hand with the pen and chokeslams him through the table. Seems like the match is on, even without the proper paperwork. So it’s looking like HHH/Bryan, Taker/Lesnar, Wyatt/Cena and Orton/Batista is set.

 

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That Thing About John Cena I Mentioned Before

Well, I’ve solved it. I know why adult men hate John Cena so much. I know you’re thinking, “Isn’t it the cheesy promos, the bad haircut, his inauthentic and exploitative use of military iconography in his entrance, the horrific ring attire, the static nature of his in-ring work and the WWE’s consistent reluctance to let someone else share his spotlight?” No…well, yes. But that’s not THE reason. There’s a THE reason and I totally figured it out. Okay, so kids will believe anything. A fairy that trades money for removed teeth. A fat man who breaks into your house, eats your cookies and leaves presents for everyone. Bieber rules. It’s all lies, every bit of it. But they’re easy to fool, so any move in a wrestling ring seems like a dangerous one if it makes a big WOMP sound. Kids see an Attitude Adjuster, hear WOMP and go, “What strength and charisma!” or whatever kids think. They eat it up. But adults know a little better. Cena’s opponent was carefully lifted, held for seven years while Johnny finds the hard camera and carefully dropped on the safest part of the ring: dead center. We cheer consciously, but something subconscious doesn’t register this impact the same. We hear WOMP but we know it’s about the easiest bump a wrassler can take. No bump is “easy”, I assure you I understand that. But as bumps go, it’s a friendlier one than, say, a kick to head or knee to face or even The Undertaker lifting you by the neck and driving you into the mat. And that’s the biggest crisis John Cena presents. He is so artificial, so synthetic in his mannerisms and in-ring technique that it makes it impossible to completely suspend belief. That’s what’s truly infuriating. Despite being great for the WWE brand and having had tons of really great matches, he continues to purge the reality out of professional wrestling.

The worst problem comes when Cena’s entire move set is examined. Take his “Five Moves of Doom” for example. Two shoulder tackles, both of which see the attacked wrestler just kind of fall down. The Protobomb (or whatever it’s called now) comes next, which, like the AA, is just lift, hold and gently drop, with a twist added for maximum safety. The Five Knuckle Shuffle, which if you’ve ever slowed it down you know Cena has a better shot at clocking the referee than whoever he’s aiming for on the mat. Finally, the AA, his primary finisher. Even his submission finish, the STF, is not fearsome-looking and mostly certainly NOT an STF. It’s more like a stepover toehold neck vice. It’s an STNV, which sounds like a quickly-cancelled Law and Order spinoff so we’ll call it an STF. Point is that even though Cena is screaming at the top of his lungs when he applies it, we can see him not wrenching back on it. We can tell, subconsciously, that his opponent is fine. It’s not something that necessarily affects your immediate watching experience, but it’s there. We see it. We register it. This isn’t Jericho using the Walls. This isn’t Bryan locking on the LeBell. This isn’t even Backlund using the crossface chickenwing, twisting and shaking his opponent. John Cena’s STF is all about John Cena getting a chance to show MAXIMUM INTENSITY to a camera directly in front of his face. It’s gratuitous hero porn; that shot of Stallone or Willis or Schwarzenegger in agony just before they finally succeed. Except Cena isn’t shot or stabbed or covered in blood. He’s a sweaty fake Marine in jorts.

Now, you might be saying, “But other wrestlers have safe moves” and “Shouldn’t we WANT wrestlers to be safe?” I will address both of those issues right freaking now. First of all, yes, wrestlers should stay away from moves with a high probability of injury. However, they should not avoid risk all together. Risk is part of what makes wrestling exciting. It’s why we go nuts when Bryan and Rollins go flying out of the ring with a suicide dive. It’s why we get a little nervous whenever Taker hits a tombstone or Orton punts someone in the skull. There’s a risk they won’t get back up. These are calculated risk by professionals though, done so for the sake of entertainment and also realism. Guys mix these risks in with mat work, heat drawing chokeholds, crowd rousing and all manner of stuff they know is entertaining AND totally safe. It was William Regal who I first heard say, “I hit people very hard, but in very safe places.” Bryan’s kicks are to the safest part of the chest. Even Cesaro’s pop-up uppercut, while brutal, is always aiming for the sternum. It’s a risky move done in the safest way possible. My complaint with Cena is that almost EVERY move he has, from a shoulder tackle to his shoddy version of Emerald Flowsion to his finishers, makes it almost impossible to suspend disbelief. No, I don’t think Shawn Michaels ever actually took someone’s head off with Sweet Chin Music. But whenever he connected with that kick, I truly believed he had. I believed that man was out cold, even if he was really just waiting to kick out at 2.

That’s the true magic of wrestling: your eyes seeing something amazing, your brain trying to process it and your heart, beating out of your chest with excitement at this point, ignoring whatever stupid thing your brain thought and making you scream the name of whoever just did that amazing thing. If you’re lucky you scream their name. Sometimes it’s just a wild guttural noise, like you just swallowed a habanero pepper by mistake. John Cena has a lot working against him to get to this point, but in my opinion the biggest one is his move set’s inability to let me suspend belief. Every wrestler has safe moves and dangerous ones. Big E’s finish is…falling down, basically. It’s no more or less impressive than the Attitude Adjuster. But his shoulder tackles are fearsome, his body avalanches have caused stitches and the way he mangles people on the mat…it’s ferocious. I fear that man. I believe his next lariat could snap a guy in half. Save for his flying leg drop bulldog that he occasionally grazes someone’s head with, everything in Cena’s arsenal, from punches showing air to finishers falling flat (literally and figuratively), everything feels FAKE. That’s the worst, most putrid word in professional wrestling, but there it is. That’s how it feels. FAKE. He is the walking embodiment of everything people dismiss about wrestling. Uncool. Unexciting. Static. Cheesy. FAKE.

I feel it’s important to note that I don’t hate John Cena the man. You just can’t. Work ethic, good guy, work ethic, work ethic, etc. I bet he’s just a dynamite chap to crack open a beer with and watch some sport event of mild global importance. Good guy, good guy. BUT HE’S KILLING WRESTLING! IT’S DYING AND HIS STUPID TENNIS SHOES ARE ON IT’S THROAT!!! Do I really believe that? Nah. It’s the absolute extreme takeaway from this, and one I find invalid. He is a part of a larger issue in the WWE, one that continually tries to find ways to trim the wrestling and pack on the entertainment. Because it’s easier to market to non-wrestling fans and because, of course, it’s safer. No one blew a quad talking on a microphone. Actually, I think Triple H might have. But that’s all. To be fair, the recent crops of guys to start breaking through—Bryan, Cesaro, Reigns—wrestle stiff, exciting styles. The future looks incredibly bright. But the guy at the top, the guy who will continue to be at the top until injury or personal choices remove him from it, is still part of the problem, not the solution. And now that we’ve covered what is wrong, I feel obliged to state how’d I’d fix it.

To the WWE: I’m beating a long-dead horse here, but whatever. Instead of treating wrestling like Hugo, chained in the attic eating fish heads, treat is with respect. Own the term. Don’t shy away from it. Don’t be scared of it. EMBRACE it. Sell it. Market it. People can sense that you’re afraid of that word, even if it has, thanks to CM Punk in large part, found its way back into the social zeitgeist, however minutely. When someone says, “Wrestling isn’t cool” you’re response shouldn’t be, “Well we do entertainment and EVERYBODY loves entertainment!” It should be, “Yes it is, and here’s why.” Show’em Cesaro and Sheamus tearing each other apart. Show’em Undertaker versus Shawn Michaels. Which one? PICK ONE. Show them Daniel Bryan versus LITERALLY ANYONE. Show them NXT! Show them what they are missing out on. Show them WRESTLING and call it wrestling, you filthy cowards.

To John Cena: It’s LIKE a dance, but it’s NOT a dance. Wrestling is violent and dangerous and spectacular and REAL. It’s Broadway on a battlefield. Less Broadway. More battlefield. I know you’re static because no one else can take your scepter and run with it. And believe me, I know how valuable it is to be able to give good interviews in sports. Every time some new UFC stud like Rousey or “Bones” comes along and comes off like a complete jerk off in an interview, Dana White secretly wishes even one of his champions came off as naturally affable as you do. It’s the most impressive thing about you, and the WWE has to limit the way you are portrayed because of it. That does not mean you’re limited in the ring. Like I said, you are the first guy people use as an easy excuse to put down wrestling and wrestlers in general. It’s not fair, but it’s reality. That means you’re in a position to change minds. You’re 36 years old. Tons of guys in the WWE, from Mark Henry to Batista to The Undertaker, got better as they got older. You are capable of change. Stop screaming when you cut promos. Stop jumping from move to move. Stop defending legends and hot young stars as a way of getting YOURSELF over. Orton figured it out years ago; now it’s your turn. You are already the man, John. Start wrestling like it.

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Disagree with anything or everything I’ve written? Have something to say? Comment below! Also, apologies for any spelling, tense or punctuations errors. I am no a best grammar. Thanks for taking your time to read the column. You are a good person.

 

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By Justin Houston

I play football for the Chiefs. Fuck you.

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