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Hi friend, Justin Houston here with the newest edition of “Rubbed RAW”. So I’ve got the RAW Recap for you. Spoiler alert: it’s a moist bag of disappointment. Also, I transcribed a list of my favorite WWE superstars Buzzfeed-style. I kind of hate myself for doing it in that fashion because fuck Buzzfeed. It just sort of happened. I wanted anyone who started consistently reading this column to get my sensibilities about wrestling without just spelling it out and this is what I came up with. It was really, really easy to craft. I feel dirty. I guess I might as well tell you what I think of EVERYONE on the roster, too, so no one’s like, “But where’s Cena on your list?!” or something. He’s not on the list. If you read last week’s debut column, you know why. He’d probably make a Top 15. There, happy? Also, Bray Wyatt. You and I need to have a discussion about Bray Wyatt. He would also probably make a Top 15, but there’s too much that bothers me about him to include him here. You can bet I’m gonna write a bunch about him in the future. Other guys I really like but don’t love: Santino Marella, Big E, Sheamus, Mark Henry, Rey Mysterio, Tensai, R-Truth, Tyson Kidd, Kane, Fandango, Big Show and El Torito. Guys I just don’t care, varying from “ugh, THIS guy” to “FUCK THAT MOTHER FUCKER”: Erick Rowan, Curtis Axel, The Miz, Alberto Del Rio, Damien Sandow, New Age Outlaws, Sin Cara (ANY VERSION), Xavier Woods and Triple H. Guys who haven’t even appeared in a while or appear infrequently–RVD, Taker, Jericho, Rock, etc.–are not included. So there. Everyone I didn’t mention I either forgot they existed or just don’t care one way or the other. Jack Swagger, for example. He’s…I don’t know, fine I guess? He injured Ziggler, that’s bad. But his lisp is funny, that’s good. It all evens out. You might be able to guess my favorites now actually. It can be a fun game you’ve already scrolled down past this haven’t you? Oh well. You’re loss. Yeah, you read that right: you are loss incarnate, bitch. Read my shit.

 

 

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RAW Recap

 

– Our show kicks off in Chicago…AND CM PUNK’S MUSIC HITS! Aaaaaaand…..it’s Paul Heyman. Oh my. HUGE boos and chants for Punk. Paul Heyman says he’s here to tell the story of a Paul Heyman guy. A guy who “they” never wanted. That “they” never wanted never thought should main event WrestleMania. He vaguely claims The Authority NEVER wanted him and certainly don’t want him now. He’s says Punk is not here. Fans boo loudly. Heyman says he wants him there as bad as the fans. He says one person is to blame for Punk not being here. He says it’s the fans’ fault, which my girlfriend immediately points out makes no sense. He says the fans let him down and tore him from Heyman’s bosom. Ewww. He says it’s also The Undertaker’s fault. He says it all started when Punk couldn’t beat Taker. Heyman says he wants The Streak, he wants revenge, and one man can do that: Brock. Lesnar. “The Beast” immerges and CM Punk chants return. They show last week’s RAW ending, where Taker chokeslammed Brock through a table. Brock takes the microphone! EVERYONE RUN!!! Brock says Taker fears him, says guys like HBK, HHH and Punk failed to end The Streak. He says he’s conquering The Streak at WrestleMania 30 and then SCREAMS HIS NAME VERY LOUDLY. They go to leave…and Mark Henry’s music hits! Mark Henry wants to visit the hospital again! Mark LEVELS Brock with an elbow and gets in a few shots but Brock takes over and makes orphans of Henry’s children, giving Henry an F-5 through the only announce table on site. Hahaha, crowd still just chants for CM Punk. Did they think Chicago would forget their hero after ONE table spot?!For real though, Mark Henry died. Respect.

– They announce Batista/Bryan as the main event and another Usos/Outlaws match for later. Possibly for the belts. I dunno. Yes, it is for the belts. Well apparently later is now because……

1. The Usos d. New Age Outlaws to win the WWE Tag Team Titles! Road Dogg says Chicago doesn’t deserve their catchphrases. Hey! The Outlaws remembered they’re heels! The Usos enter to the biggest response those guys have ever received. Good match made great by a raucous crowd. The Usos dodged all the previous ways The Outlaws beat them, and Jimmy nailed Billy with the diving splash for the victory.

2. Big E d. Cesaro via disqualification. This is a rematch from last week, where Big E won via disqualification. Crowd is way behind Cesaro. He hits a nice early Cesaro Swing and like last week, Swagger interferes to cause a DQ. Cesaro eats a Big Ending afterwards which does not please the crowd.

3. The Wyatt Family d. The Shield via Sister Abigail. Another “This is Awesome” chant to start things off. Rollins does a ton of crazy shit to start things out but Bray ends up shoving Ambrose into the ropes and it knocks Rollins off the top. The Wyatts are in control for most of the match thanks to Ambrose and his shenanigans getting The Shield in trouble. Rowan does more work than usual and is BLOWN UP. Ambrose hits a Jawbreaker lariat, plants Wyatt and goes to tag in Rollins…who walks off the apron! He’s outta here! Reigns tries to bring him back but it doesn’t work and he stands defiantly at the entrance way. Reigns goes absolutely ballistic on The Wyatt Family! Superman Punch to Harper! Reigns spears Rowan over the announce table! Harper kills Ambrose with a boot and dives out onto Reigns! As Rollins looks on, Wyatt hits Sister Abigail for the victory. Not as good as the first match but still very, very good.

– Batista is backstage. He calls The Yes! Movement the stupidest thing he’s ever seen. He calls everyone nerds or something, which is hilarious coming from DRAX THE FUCKING DESTROYER. Fuck you, Batista.

4. Santino & Emma d. Fandango & Summer Rae via Emma Lock. Harmless comedy match. A “We Want Ziggler” chant comes through. Emma pulls out a tarantula lock at one point and eventually taps Summer out with the Emma Lock.

5. Sheamus d. Christian via Brogue Kick. Another fine match between the two, but it just went on WAAAY too long. Fans eventually got bored and started up the CM Punk chants, among other, more disrespectful ones. The guys did good work but fans just didn’t care. And why would they? This is the bajillionth time these guys have fought and for the thinnest of reasons. Sheamus finally puts Christian down and the crowd is just happy it’s over.

– As Sheamus is interviewed backstage, Christian attacks him viciously, telling him he shouldn’t have underestimated him. Okay.

6. The Bella Twins d. Alicia Fox & Aksana via Rack Attack. Fans were bored right away. They didn’t even have the energy to chant shit. Nikki pinned Alicia with her kneeling argentine backbreaker. I’m not sure Brie ever got in the match.

– Daniel Bryan enters to a big response. He tells Chicago that they have a voice and that tonight, we are gonna hijack Raw! A CM Punk chant breaks out yet again. He says he’s not leaving until either Triple H or Batista comes out to fight him. He starts to list the reasons Triple H sucks (that would take some time…), and The Authority comes out. Trips holds his hands high and revels in his own douchebaggery. You can barely hear Stephanie because of the boos. Bryan reiterates his challenge. Triple H rejects it again and goes on and on about how nobody is ever “buried” in the WWE. Bryan tells him the people see through his lies. That he DOES hold people down. Steph talks again, referring to the WWE Universe as a sea of inadequacy. The boos again drown her out. She mentions how terribly important her family is to wrestling and to Daniel Bryan being as popular as he. He laughs at this and says maybe she can put on his trucks and fight him at Mania. Hunter once again reiterates he’s not gonna face Bryan at Mania, belittling him in the process. He tells Bryan to leave his ring. The “No!” chants rain down. Triple H repeats himself. Bryan tells him to make him. Stephane calls for Kane, who appears. He dives out onto him, attacking him as Stephanie screeches for security. He’s finally run off by, like, nine guys. Just a total bullshit segment and a complete waste of time. Nothing was built and nothing was gained.

7. Dolph Ziggler d. Alberto Del Rio via Zig Zag. Need for Speed’s Aaron Paul escorts Dolph out in a mustang (?) to a thunderous response. Short match where Paul distracts Del Rio, allowing Dolph to hit the Zig Zag for the dubya.

– The fourth member of this year’s Hall of Fame Class is Paul Bearer! The word unique does not do that man justice.

8. Big E d. Jack Swagger via disqualification. Cesaro immediately runs in and hits Big E with the Neutralizer causing the DQ.

– Afterwards, Swagger pushes Cesaro and he teases giving Jack a Cesaro swing. Zeb Coulter talks him down though and makes his tag partners hug it out. Honestly some great stuff.

– John Cena comes out and says a bunch of shit who fucking cares. Bray Wyatt shows up on the Supermegajumbo Tron and also says a bunch of shit. He says he’s gonna straight murder Cena. Jesus. Too soon after Henry’s death me thinks.

– “Bulgaria’s Greatest Export” Alexander Rusev comes out and says a bunch of shit I don’t understand because it’s not English or Bad English. Those are the two languages I speak.

9. Batista d. Daniel Bryan via something. I don’t know. Randy Orton comes out before the match begins. The Authority shows up eventually. You know where this is going. Orton interferes and eats a knee from Bryan. Kane gets knocked off the apron onto HHH via Bryan dropkick and then Batista spears Bryan. Triple H yells at Bryan and eats a kick to the head instead! That was pretty awesome. Bryan eats a Batista Bomb and eats a Pedigree after Triple H snaps. CM Punk stays in hibernation. The Authority stands tall. Don’t believe that wonderful Lego Movie. Everything is not awesome.

 

 

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TOP 10

 

Honorable Mentions: Christian, Dolph Ziggler, Kofi Kingston

Three guys who, irrelevant of their perceived diminutive sizes, embody everything I look for in a wrestler: charismatic, athletic workers who always give 100%. These guys almost never have bad matches. Every time they go out there, they find ways to make you ooh and aah at least a couple times a contest. It rarely even matters WHO they’re facing, that’s how talented I think each guys is. However, it’s tough to get excited about guys that you are sure will never get an opportunity to truly shine. Christian, who was in the main event of the last PPV, had zero momentum behind him. And at this point we all know Vince hates his face. Vince might hate Dolph’s face, too, because that’s the only reason I can think of that he’s not pushing this guy to the moon. Every time I hear Jim Ross or Triple H say, “This is a different generation of superstars. Nobody steps up and says they want to be the guy. Nobody demands it.”, I think of where that kind of shit got Ziggler. That’s a larger issue that will FOR SURE get its own column at a later date. As for Kingston, the WWE just likes him where he is: an affable, almost harmless babyface. They started stirring some shit between him and Miz but they halted it almost right away. Guys like these are important to have in a company’s pocket. Guys that, one way or another, can get the crowd to move even if you’ve given them ZERO to work with. Because of that fact though, the WWE will rarely push them without a disruptive, grassroots fanbase who will accept nothing less. Before The Yes! Movement, this spot is exactly where they would have stashed Daniel Bryan for a decade.

 

10. Randy Orton

Despite a fall off from where he was just a year ago, Orton is still a compelling performer…when he wants to be. His character, now a sniveling, whiny, severely-tanned jackass, leaves very little for creative wiggle room. Despite being as arrogant as arrogant gets, this 6’4″ Adonis constantly doubts his own abilities? I just don’t buy it, despite how well Randy plays it up. Four years ago, some magic switch in Orton flipped and he became not just good but great. Probably the most complete wrestler on the whole roster. During this babyface run, it seemed like not only couldn’t have bad matches, but that he seemed rejuvenated. He was smiling. He was putting EVERYONE over clean. He made Smackdown HIS show as the World Heavyweight champion. Now he’s gone back to some familiar themes, and it seems like it’s slowing him down, figuratively and literally. However, Orton is still MORE than willing to put guys over that sit beneath him in the WWE’s frustratingly arcane pecking order of those who they perceive generate money. His matches are always less interesting when he’s a heel because they slow down tremendously and, well, fans chant all manner of nonsense at Randy because he doesn’t even try to hide the fact that it gets to him. But because he’s put over everyone from Cena to Cesaro to freaking Kofi Kingston clean in recent months, every match puts you on the edge of your seat because you know there’s a real chance that the WWE World Heavyweight Wresting Champion of the Universe might actually lose. So despite the drawback of this new pouting, bitchy Randall, it has made the outcome of his contests more in doubt than ever. So that’s something.

 

9. AJ Lee

Poor fucking AJ Lee. For the middle portion of 2012, she was the best, most fascinating character the WWE had. She heavily assisted in the initial Daniel Bryan push, skipping around her then boyfriend as he chanted “yes!”. She began playing mind games with Bryan, CM Punk and Kane, throwing the main event scene into chaos. Yes, ACTUAL chaos. NO ONE knew what the fuck she would do next or WHY. One week she’d referee their matches. The next she would threaten to send herself crashing through tables for no reason whatsoever. On the 1000th episode of RAW–and I can’t believe I’m typing this sentence– she walked away for her live wedding with Daniel Bryan to accept Vince Mahon’s offer to become the new permanent Raw General Manager. That’s when everything went wrong. Instead of trying something unique or turning Monday Night RAW on its head, they entered into a new storyline involving Vickie Guerrero, John Cena, several doctored video footage segments, MORE Vickie Guerrero, numerous psychological evaluations and a lot more bullshit my poor brain has purged as a form of suicide prevention. If you imagine that a demonic wrestling fan runs Hell, this would be the nightmare that plagued that demon’s dreams. There’s was a long period as Dolph Ziggler’s squeeze where she leveled out, maintaining her spot as top Diva but not given enough to do to get back to where she once was. She then had a terrible feud with Kaitlyn, which was neither of their faults. The matches were fine, but again…nothing to work with. Now? She’s still champion, she’s hanging around with Tamina Snuka and NOTHING IS HAPPENING. The entire Diva’s division is in this weird limbo while creative waits for some of the NXT chicks to get the call-up. Or they’re out of their terrible ideas. Either way, she’s still only complete superstar of the Diva’s division. She can wrestle, she can be sexy and she can DAMN sure cut a promo.

 

8. Brock Lesnar

Only two men in the entire WWE exclusively wrestle big time matches. The Undertaker, who appears so infrequently that he does not appear on this list, and Brock Lesnar. Not Cena. Not Orton. Not even HHH. Shit, if he died tomorrow his last match would technically be a forfeit loss to Curtis Axel on Raw. Not even “The Game” deserves that. Brock has wrestled six matches across two years since he returned. Cena, HHH (3x), CM Punk, Big Show and now Taker himself. Every match, even the disastrous one with Show, is heavily-anticipated. Because of this–and because he rarely speaks, allowing Paul Heyman’s silver tongue to artfully inflate the legacy of “The Beast”– the aura around him has never been great. He is the only WWE superstar that intimates you inside your own living room. His matches are more akin to Bruiser Brody-esque spectacles than true mat contests. His matches aren’t always great fun, but they are always worth watching. For the spectacle. For the intensity. For his unparalleled viciousness. It’s like watching a real life Kauji monster ravage a town. You pity the victims but marvel at the carnage.

 

7. Cody Rhodes

Normally I don’t like to split tag teams on lists like this, but I just couldn’t resist here. At age 28, Cody Rhodes is coming into his prime. Being taller than the short guys and skinnier than the big guys, Cody has always faced a bit of an uphill climb. His solo runs have always been successful to an extent; he always got a reaction but it’s never meteoric so he always ends up back in a tag team. Cody has held tag belts with Ted DiBiase Jr., Hardcore Holly, Goldust and Drew McIntyre. His most recent tag partner before his own brother was Damien Sandow, a union that was also supremely lauded. It just seems like whenever Cody gets his groove in a character, they change things up on him. It’s really kid of bizarre. That said, he is still a phenomenal talent. Great on a microphone. Very marketable look. He’s the only guy in the WWE outside of Cesaro you’ll see doing power moves like muscle busters and agile moves like rebound roundhouse kicks in the same damn match. I truly believe he’ll get a real shot at the top someday, hopefully sooner rather than later. But because the momentum has yet again been taken away from him…

 

6. Goldust

…I had to put his brother one spot ahead. I cannot recall the last time the WWE let somebody go, someone they saw ZERO on-screen value in, and they come back a year later in better standing than they left. Main eventers like Batista and The Rock leave to pursue other interests, and they come back right to the top of the card. But most guys like Goldust only come back on “Old School” or numerically marketable editions of RAW. But this was different. Goldust was a part of a storyline with Cody and they needed him to tell the story they wanted to tell. Most guys out of the spotlight at age 44 probably would have packed on a few pounds.  Heck, Goldust has never been lean. But when he showed up September 9th, 2013 to face Randy Orton , he looked good. Really good. Then he stuck around. He started looking EXCELLENT. Getting leaner. Have great matches with Cody. Showing fire we hadn’t seen even at the height of the character’s popularity. Goldust has had a renaissance and he seems to be enjoying it. You’ve never seen a guy his size his age doing the things he’s doing. Huracanranas off turnbuckles.  Wild, flying bulldogs. Sunset flip powerbombs. Picture-perfect snap suplexes to three hundred pounders. I hate to beat a dead horse, but at his age this probably isn’t going to last. He probably can’t go this speed forever. So whether it all ends tomorrow or he keeps it up into his fifties, I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.

 

5. The Usos

Alright, full disclosure: I can’t tell the Usos apart. Like, at all. It’s even hard to believe they’ve been on the main roster for almost four years. I think they were, like, preppy heels at some point? Like Mean Street Samoans or something? I dunno. Either way, now they’re basically gimmickless, a twin pair of family-friendly wrestlers who are always moving, always pushing the tempo and have a great little catchphrase. It’s their name! When they started that shit I thought, “Someone’s gonna tell them to stop that.” But wisely, they kept it going and it’s helped them ascend from “should we just go ahead a fire these guys?” to where they are now, which is, “Are they ready to own the division yet?” Like The Hardy Boyz before them, they are the right team for the right era. Their matches can be very similar to one another, but the matches are always exciting so who gives a damn. If they don’t have the belts by May, you can probably go ahead a slot them in with Christian, Ziggler and Kofi: guys who will always entertain but never really get a ball to run with. And if they get one, it gets snatched away before they can do anything with it. As of now, I still think they’re getting them so I’m still very invested in their matches. Also, superkicks. Because superkicks.

 

4. Luke Harper

I made my feelings about Bray Wyatt known above, if not in great detail. Erick Rowan is one of the worst wrestlers on the roster. The guy knows three moves and two facial expressions, none of which are original. Luke Harper, on the other hand, has eight ways to kill you and a dozen faces to creep you the hell out. Every sustained shot of Harper on RAW has sent shivers down my girlfriend’s spine. I’m afraid she’s going to wake up one morning six months pregnant with a backwoods bearded demon spawn. The comparisons to King Kong Brody are apt in several ways. He obviously resembles him, but he also has that same kind of intimidation factor to him. His intense glare has been mentioned but his “yeah yeah yeah…” catchphrase of sorts irks me in that same way Brody’s shrill shouts did. It’s eerie and primal and usually serves as a prelude to violence. Speaking of violence, NOBODY has more ways to decimate an opponent than Harper does. Bigger guys eat discus lariats, body avalanches, hard punches to the face and the absolute best running boot in wrestling. Smaller guys get those, too, but they can also expect German suplexes, half-nelson suplexes, Michinoku Drivers, powerbombs, huge swinging side slams and all manner of horrible punishment. I’m a puroresu mark above all else, so nasty physicality puts the biggest grins on my face. Nobody does more damage more viscously in the WWE than Luke Harper.

 

3. The Shield

I originally listed Roman Reigns all by himself here at around number eight or so. Then that Wyatt versus Reigns match happened on RAW. Yeesh. Those two are still obviously projects but with tons and tons of upside. And then I was all, “Wait, how could I possibly leave off Ambrose and Rollins from my list? Am I crazy? AM I CRAZY?!” After consulting with a therapist and getting on a regular medication called Mentos, I am doing much better thank you. The thing is, all three guys have their own strengths that balances out each other’s weak spots. Reigns has the intensity, Ambrose has the mike skills and Rollins has the in-ring ability. When apart, the holes in their game becomes more apparent. Like all great young wrestlers, it’s all stuff they can work through over time. But right now, no guy is the complete package. Reigns is still a bit lacking when it comes to working singles matches. Ambrose has shown trouble keeping a crowd interested in his United States Title contests. Rollins is still the least fleshed out of the three characters. But when those three are in the ring together, no matter who they face…it is something special. They have owned the WWE for the last 15 months or so, and I have complete faith that all three will stay major players when The Shield eventually disbands.

 

2. Daniel Bryan

Simply put, Daniel Bryan is the best technical wrestler of his generation and one of the finest in-ring workers in wrestling history. This is not just going off of his WWE work mind you; the man known as Bryan Danielson was a force on the independent scene for over seven years before joining WWE developmental. The fact that the same pale, maroon-wearing grappler I loved watching ten years ago is now on top of the WWE mountain is still pretty surreal. He’s evolved quite a lot as a performer, too. In adapting more MMA training into his wrestling repertoire, he’s added more kicks and more dangerous submissions. I don’t know how, but the best wrestling on the planet today continues to get better. He still sounds a bit unsure of himself on a microphone, but his earnestness actually works in his favor. He seems like a real guy throwing real kicks and elbows. Like CM Punk, part of his appeal is that it seems like he made it through developmental without sacrificing what made him special. Despite every obstacle imaginable, Daniel Bryan continues to carve out a special place in history.

 

1. Cesaro

Like Bryan and a lot of the other great indy guys that come into the WWE, Cesaro is still learning to be more comfortable in front of enormous crowds. But outside of that, there’s really no downside to Cesaro. He has a unique look to him, peppering his appearance with all manner of European flair. He’s also the only lean muscular big guy on the main roster, another unique distinction.  That’s all fine and good. But what makes him my number one favorite guy to watch wrestle is his in-ring feats of awesomeness. While Daniel Bryan works a fast pace and has a very smart, exciting, polished move set, Cesaro has easily the most spectacular one in wrestling today. He has over and over again shown to be capable of some truly amazing feats of strength. Superplexing three hundred pound guys from the apron. Tossing guys into the lights and clobbering them on the way down. Seriously, his uppercuts are a slight to behold. It’s not just what he does but HOW he does it. He can seem completely calm and suddenly turn on a dime looking like his veins are trying to flee his body. Guys like Lesnar and Ziggler operate solely at that super crazy intense level. Cesaro can seemingly turn it off and on like a battery-operated monkey. He hasn’t even done all of his coolest stuff yet! When Cesaro hits his spinning argentine slam for the first time, people are going to bug out. He’s just incredible. I could watch him fight a wall.

 

 

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Disagree with anything or everything I’ve written? Have something to say? Comment below! Also, apologies for any spelling, tense or punctuations errors. I am no a best grammar. Thanks for taking your time to read the column. You are a good person.

 

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By Justin Houston

I play football for the Chiefs. Fuck you.

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