Hiya pal, Justin Houston here with the newest edition of “Rubbed RAW”. This week begins with a recap of Monday Night RAW and concludes with a long-ass write up about how I was totally wrong about Bray Wyatt blowing up as big as he’s gotten. Usually these first paragraphs are longer, but I’m still reeling from the end of RAW. I was so turned off by the ending that I’m not sure whether you’re even gonna get a Rubbed RAW next week. Who cares, right? Well I’m sure SOMEONE does and I don’t want that person—we’ll call him Samuel—to be surprised if I am absent. I’m not going to waste my time on something that frustrates me this much. If they announce something worthwhile, I’ll probably tune in. But I’m not a masochist. I don’t stick with something if its intent is to frustrate me. I’m so sorry, Samuel. Anyway, goodbye forever maybe but probably not. I dunno. Read my shit.
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RAW Recap
– Triple H is already out in the ring. He says what he does to Daniel Bryan at WrestleMania is the fault of the people. He says he’s gonna end The Yes! Movement and he’s got some stuff to say to Daniel Bryan, but he’s gonna do it later to his face. He goes to leave and Batista’s music hits. Lots of boos, naturally. Batista complains about Bryan being in the main event. HHH seems offended that Batista thinks he could lose to Bryan. Randy Orton comes out, too. He agrees with “Big Dave”, that making the triple threat match a possibility was stupid. Trips is super pissed off now, as the fans chant that Bryan could, in fact, beat him. Batista suggests that Bryan has gotten in Hunter’s head. Orton requests himself versus Bryan in a no disqualification match. HHH agrees. Orton and Batista go back and forth blaming each other for Bryan’s popularity. HHH, tired of the bickering, goes to leave. He says he’s sick of Bryan, sick of the fans, sick of “Hollywood movie stars” telling him what’s what, sick of Orton, sick of everything. He says that when he beats Bryan at WrestleMania…HE’S going to be added to the main event! Oh my. RKO TO BATISTA! Wow. Pretty sharp segment despite the implications of an all-Evolution Mania main event, which is a nauseating notion.
– Backstage, Batista basically says he regrets coming back and he straight up leaves. Pffft, baby.
1. The Usos d. Jack Swagger & Cesaro via pinfall. Really great match. Very stiff early on with some intense near falls late. Finish came when Jimmy tried to dive out onto Cesaro and he murder killed him with an uppercut just as he crossed the top rope and polished him off with the Neutralizer.
– Kane basically tells The Shield that he forgives them for powerbombing him on Smackdown. He says The Authority has given them all a mission and if The Shield proves not to be up to the task, they will be replaced.
– Hornswoggle is out giving out gifts to the fans for St. Patrick’s Day. Bad News Barrett shows up and tells everyone they’re gonna all get drunk and do stupid shit. Well, yeah. Sheamus enters and his match starts.
2. Sheamus d. Titus O’Neil via Brogue Kick. Christian was out at ringside doing commentary. Titus came out with a big, green hat and a fake orange goatee. It was horrifying. Titus went after Horny for some reason and tried to toss him over head but Sheamus caught him, saving his tiny life. Sheamus hit his finish and that was that. They interview him after his win, and he said he’s going to win Andre Royale. Christian attacks! Killswitch on the floor!
– HOLY SHIT. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Joe Manganiello are gonna be on RAW next week. Arnold did the “We’re Here.” thing that Wyatt does and he did the mother fucking Yes! chant and I’m just so happy for some reason. Also, Scooby Doo and the Mystery Machine will also be there. MUST WATCH, FOLKS.
– John Cena’s out now. He’s afraid that people are believing what Bray Wyatt says and he says he’s afraid of Bray Wyatt. He says he believes in what he stands for. He starts yelling stuff and uuuugggghhhh. Bray thankfully shows up on screen wearing a Cena shirt. He says the world gave him scars, just like Cena. He says he could be a superhero, too, going home to a plastic girlfriend in a castle. He says at WrestleMania, he doesn’t care if he dies, as long as the world sees Cena the way he does. Nice promo. No movement at all here, but it was still pretty entertaining.
3. No Disqualification: Daniel Bryan d. Randy Orton via pinfall. Another good match between these two. Batista showed back up and speared Orton. Bryan dropkicked him out of the ring and pinned Orton for three. Batista gave Orton a Batista Bomb for funsies afterward.
– Paul Heyman is out with yet another message to The Undertaker. He says Brock Lesnar has obliterated The Undertaker’s previous Mania opponents in the past. They show a video of Taker barely besting his last few Mania opponents and Brock completely dismantling them. Phil Brooks did not make an appearance in any form. Brock is called “unmerciless” in the promo. I looked it up, and it means utterly merciless, but that fucking sounds like he’s got a shit load of mercy to me. Brock the Merciful, perhaps.
– Triple H and Stephanie argue backstage about HHH just wanting to talk to Bryan. He’s says he’ll handle it and she says he had better. TENSE.
4. Goldust d. Fandango via Final Cut. Lots of dancing and hilarious Goldust weirdness. Cody gets a chant just for catching Summer Rae when she fell off the apron. Awkward ending. Goldie kind of landed on his head giving Fandango a rana and they sort of makeshifted the ending. Goldust seemed pissed off afterwards.
– Korporate Cane comes out. He says he’s done an investigation and determined that Daniel Bryan received help last week setting up the Occupy Raw movement in Memphis. He claims Jerry Lawler assisted in organizing the movement. Jerry looks confused. Kane calls for The Shield. They surround him and force him in to the ring. Kane takes his tie and jacket off, asking King if he has anything he’d like to say for himself. Rollins tells Lawler that Bryan isn’t coming to save him. He says The Shield always does what’s best for business. All three members of The Shield turn around to face Kane! His smile fades. He screams at them and they attack. Spear to Kane! Triple powerbomb! All three stand over Kane and pose. I don’t know what that means for WrestleMania though.
5. The Funkadactyls d. AJ Lee & Tamina Snuka via pinfall. The Bellas are on commentary and they’re fantastic. Super genial attitude with a bit of cattiness and a ton of confidence. Naomi, making her return from injury donning a sparkly eye patch, got the win over AJ via split-legged moonsault. Lee screams that she only loses when Tamina’s with her. Tamina shoves her down and AJ looks PISSED.
– Mr. T can now add “WWE Hall of Famer” to his long, long, long, long, long, long, long list of accomplishments.
6. Big Show, Ziggler, Big E & Mark Henry d. RybAxel, Del Rio & Sandow via . I think this is our main event. That can’t have been planned that way, could it? Are any of these guys gonna be on Mania outside of the damn Andre Royale? I don’t think so. Big Show is officially in Andre Royale, by the way. In the end, everybody started hitting signature moves and throwing each other over the top. Naturally, Zigs took a fucking stupid bump to the floor. Sandow tried to dump Big Show and ate his kneeling chokeslam instead for the three count. Pretty fun match.
– Batista is asked again about his WWE status. He says he’s here for the WWE Title, and he doesn’t care who he has to beat to get it.
7. Bray Wyatt d. Kofi Kingston via Sister Abigail. Okay, so THIS must be the main event. Basically a squash. Weeeeee.
– Triple comes out and calls for Bryan. He obliges. Triple says that he did everything that he did because it truly was best for business. He said it was never personal. He says Bryan crossed a line last week. He says he’s gonna fight Bryan three weeks from now. He says when all is said and done, Bryan crossed the line and now he’s got to end The Yes! Movement. The fans chant for Daniel. He wanted to look Bryan in the eye and tell him no hard feels. He extends his hand and the fans chant, “No!”. He shakes his head no. Triple H says one more thing: he’s dumped a world on top of Bryan, and he’s still standing. The fans chant for him again. Trips says anyone else would’ve folded, taken their ball and gone home. Oooooh. That gets a “CM Punk” chant going. He says he’s earned Triple H’s respect. Stephanie comes screaming out says she’s pressing charges against Bryan for a litany of charges. A ton of police officers come out as The Authority with one another. Bryan is subdued by the six officers and the handcuff him. HHH convinces them to leave…and reveals that they’re not even cops. It’s all a ruse. They leave and Triple H proceeds to beat Bryan down while he’s handcuffed. It goes on far too long. It’s really nasty. Jesus, this is fucking ridiculous. It’s needless and masturbatory and I’m actually not going to watch this to the end, folks. Strange, up-and-down Raw with a terrible ending.
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Eat, Bray, Love
Ask any one of my podcasting partners here at PWPonderings who my least favorite wrestler ever is and it’ll take less than a minute before Husky Harris is one of the names that come out. Husky Harris was born Windham Lawrence Rotunda, presumably because his father hated him. I mean, that’s just cruel. What do you call him? Larry? WINDY?! Windy Rotunda sounds like a euphemism for when a fat guy farts so strongly it blows a hole through his pants. “Jesus, Henry! A windy rotunda in church? Do you know how much those pants cost?!” In all actually, his father, 5-time WWF Tag champion Irwin R. Schyster, named him for his uncle, WWE Hall of Famer Barry Windham. Harris debuted as a part of the second season of the NXT television show. The results of that season were far less impactful to the WWE as a whole than Season 1 was or even Season 3 would be. While Season One produced five future champions with only one man no longer on the roster, the second season has produced just one champion and three men are no longer under WWE employ. Husky was not that champion. His run in WWE was as disastrous as his run in NXT. While eventual season winner Kaval continued to impress wrestling fans despite numerous losses and very little in the way of on-air support, Harris was treated as the second coming of Randy Orton. “The Army Tank with a Ferrari Engine” they called him. The moniker was fairly unfounded. While certainly the heaviest man on his season, several were taller and more fearsome-looking. Harris would appear blown up roughly five minutes into any match he was wrestling, perhaps because he felt he needed to live up to his stupid nickname. His finish was a back senton, something my five year old daughter can routinely hit a variant of on me when I fall asleep on the couch. For Husky, it proved to be impossible. It would almost always end in one of two ways: Husky overshoots and lightly grazes his opponent with the top of his head or Husky barely leaves the ground and rams his ass into the opponents guts. It was horrific. I seem to recall one time where he jumped to do the move and just sort of landed where he was, completely missing the wrestler, but that may have been a nightmare I had. Either way, Husky Harris was a big, fat joke. The last thing he ever did on WWE TV was eat a Randy Orton punt to the side of the head. He went back to development and I wrote him off. I kept wondering at what point they’d fire his goofy ass. They never did. And, since that same man who was once the most embarrassing wrestler on television turned into the breakout superstar of last year, the WWE is surely glad they continued to not listen to me.
The emergence of Bray Wyatt in the NXT developmental system almost crashed as soon as it started thanks to a torn pectoral muscle. It sidelined Wyatt from wrestling competition for over half a year, but that allowed him time to refine the character. When PWP’s own Kevin Ford turned me on to Husky Harris’s new gimmick, I found it more caricature than creation. This was a lousy Max Cady impression mixed with an accent befitting a Duck Dynasty family member. The promos were very similar to the ones you see on TV now, but they tended to ramble even more so and they lacked the confidence and conviction that are currently a trademark of his delivery. The character felt inauthentic and of another era, one where wrestlers were just sort of saddled with gimmicks and expected to make them work. This felt like it was not his idea, but some sort of yellow polka dot-level ribbing. I also knew that a lot of his in-ring shtick—like dancing with dazed opponents—would never be allowed inside a WWE ring against a real competitor. It would belittle them in a complete unnecessary way and add nothing worthwhile to the character. Again, you’ve never seen this on TV (not yet anyway) because someone had the good sense to remove it. Over time, however, it was replaced with even more nonsensical mannerisms, like his weird upside down pose he does from the corner. This DOES serve a purpose, though: to keep your eyes on Bray. That became the trick of the character that has allowed it to grow so exponentially this last year. When two people are just spinning around the ring, there’s nothing to focus on. When someone does a move and finds the hard camera to pose, it never feels natural. John Cena has built a career around awkwardly finding the hard cam, but he’s at an infallible level of perceived superstardom, so he doesn’t count. For Bray, he found ways to keep attention without you knowing he was doing it. Everything Bray does is designed for you to keep your eyes on him. The upside down thing, the way he sort of saunters to his opponent, the way he barks orders from a rocking chair, etc. His promos now are almost always done in darkness, so at times you only see his face, as if the screen is a flat universe and he is the only light in the darkness. His finishing move, an elaborate twisting STO called Sister Abigail that’s preceded by a kiss on the head, is methodical and usually allows him to naturally look directly into the hard camera, drawing every ounce of focus on himself. This, coupled with enigmatic promos, two gargantuan henchmen and a well protected push have put him in a position that no else in the WWE has ever had: after less than a full year on the main roster, he’s got a WrestleMania date with the company’s ace.
It’s impossible to argue that The Wyatt Family would have been as initially as intriguing as it was if not for the unique, eerie promos that preceded their arrival. I sort of hated them, but I couldn’t deny that they stayed with you. They lingered in your mind. The strange goat mask. The authenticity of the backwoods N’awlins setting. The quick, frightening cuts of Wyatt as he spoke prophetically. And that song. Oh my. “Live in Fear”, originally known as “Broken Out in Love” before the WWE bought the rights from the original artist, is a hauntingly serene tune that evoked the same false sense of love and warmth one might receive from an actual cult leader. It was absolutely the right song for the right guy. It also helped that they ran the promos for almost two months before the Wyatts finally debuted. Flanked by giants Erick Rowan and Luke Harper, Wyatt’s introduction was in darkness, holding only a lamp for light as “Live in Fear” echoed through the area. When the lights cut back on, Wyatt would sit upon his magically-appearing rocking chair. It was hokey. It made no sense. I HATED it…but it was, again, something we haven’t seen before. Bray Wyatt had arrived. Unfortunately, his debut was feuding against Kane. Kane has a long, sad history being involved in the dumbest, most offensive feuds in wrestling history. Fans did not take to this spontaneous, doomed-to-fail quarrel, but they seemed to enjoy booing Rowan and Harper as they eviscerated people after matches they were not involved in. Wyatt would come in after everyone was put down, pulling them back up, finding that hard camera and showing them the mercilessness of Sister Abigail. Luckily, this didn’t overstay it’s welcome. Bray made his official in-ring debut at the WWE’s second biggest yearly PPV, SummerSlam, where he defeated Kane in a Ring of Fire Match. While the event was given a ton of praise, Bray’s contest was considered the low point of the show. They moved on from Kane, treading water against random opponents while his gimmick was allowed to continue settling into place. Rowan, a lousy wrestler, began brawling more than straight wrestling. Harper adopted the role of the dominator, often times decimating an opponent with his discus lariat before allowing Bray entry into the match to finish off the unconscious victim. They had figured out their roles and were being given time, but with suddenly nothing to focus their energies on, the group began to lose some traction.
For a long time, I kept telling people that The Wyatt Family would end up being the embarrassing storyline that Luke Harper’s career sprang from, as I expect big things from him in the future. I was never in love with this gimmick, and it seemed like the initial interest from the crowd was waning. People still popped for that hypnotic entrance music, but little else was getting much response. They weren’t feuding with anyone. They showed up. They beat up mid-carders. They acted like creeps. They left. What they needed was a big-time hero to feud with. They needed a dominant rival faction to stand against them. Something. Anything. If WWE history taught us anything, it’s that this seemed like the place the story would end. “They weren’t getting a response,” Triple H would say after doing the bare minimum to push the group. Rowan would head back to developmental, Harper would be repackaged and Bray, left on his own and without any momentum, would be just another mid-carder. But this faction was a Triple H project. The decider of who gets pushed…DECIDED TO PUSH THEM AGAIN. LIKE, AGAINST WORTHWHILE OPPONENTS. I cannot stress this enough. NOTHING changed. This is the exact same dynamic they had been running with for months. The only difference between the fans not caring and the fans caring was WHO they were fighting. This idea that wrestlers get over by themselves, make themselves, PUSH themselves, is idiotic. They ignored Bryan’s popularity as long as possible. Randy Orton, thanks to owning two strikes in the WWE’s “three strikes, you’re out” drug program, was expatriated from the main event scene around 2010. He was still popular, but he wasn’t THE guy. Nobody is ever THE guy without top brass saying so. Triple H would probably tell you The Wyatt Family had tons of momentum before their breakout feuds but they just didn’t. It wasn’t there. Audiences were confused more than anything. Smarks were intrigued but not blown away. They started fight guys at the top, so they were treated like guys at the top. The heat for their heel antics got hotter. The pops when their music hit got louder. It was all the same thing they’d been doing, but now they were doing it to the top guys on the roster. Now, FINALLY, they gave us a reason to give a shit…but I STILL didn’t like Bray Wyatt.
From the fall of 2013 to the end of that year, The Wyatt Family feuded with CM Punk and, to a larger extent, Daniel Bryan. The Wyatts still had some buzz about them but had been treading water for a couple of months. Through abstract promos and never explained motivations, this group had found themselves fighting the most popular stars in the WWE. Much like The Shield, they were treated as a big deal from Day 1 and were in prime position to be the biggest heels on the roster minus everyone associated with The Authority. Well, they’re more assholes than heels but…you get my meaning. People would react to them strongly, one way or another, because they were up against the audience’s heroes. The tactic worked, but it wasn’t always very entertaining. After Punk started focusing all his energy on The Shield and The Authority, Bryan spent weeks getting beaten up over and over again by The Wyatts, even after he had won his matches with them. It was frustratingly repetitive to watch, but it still all worked because of Bryan. At this point, he was having great matches with everyone and The Yes! Movement was starting to become a runaway train the WWE management team could no longer avoid. The matches with The Wyatt Family were all good, and the beat downs, while unsatisfying and tiresome, created HUGE responses from fans. Bryan joined the group to add an even more horrific layer to the feud: in storyline, Bryan was tired of being beaten down and joined The Family. They still beat him up thanks to miscommunications between members costing the group matches, but now it had become more exasperating to watch than before. The WWE would have kept this up for ages, dragging out a feud that would have just ended predictably anyway. As luck would have it, The Yes! Movement once again changed the course of the WWE. After a clip of an entire arena of Michigan State fans doing the Yes! chant went viral, the WWE realized that they could not capitalize on its popularity by publicizing it on television since Bryan was now supposedly a bad guy. Bryan turning on Bray Wyatt was moved way forward from its originally planned date, taking place on RAW only six days after the Michigan State viral incident. During a tag team cage match with The Usos, they escaped, leaving Bryan alone in a locked cage with Bray. He became the first man to truly decimate the cult leader, and they faced off again at the Royal Rumble. Unlike SummerSlam, Bray’s match was, despite opening the show, considered the high point of the entire PPV. Wyatt pinned Bryan clean after Sister Abigail in an electric match, easily the best of Wyatt’s career. But he wasn’t done at The Rumble. After interfering in the WWE World Heavyweight Title match, seeds were planted for his eventual WrestleMania showdown. Before then, however, he had another contingency to deal with: The Shield.
The Wyatt Family again intruded on a main event match the next night on RAW, but this time the opponents of their target were left enraged. By interfering, The Wyatts cost The Shield spots in the Elimination Chamber at the next PPV. This put the top two units in the WWE on a collision course. In my opinion, this should have taken place at WrestleMania. The confrontation between them would be super heated, fresh and feature several future main eventers. But the WWE already had plans for Wyatt at Mania, though the other five men are, as of now, without a match. So much like Cena/Batista from the 2008 SummerSlam, this first time match would have to be built quickly. It was mostly through stare downs and intimidating promos, but fans so badly wanted to see the two factions fight each other that it hardly mattered what they did. Elimination Chamber came around and their match was truly something special. The heat was absolutely off the charts. Fans were chanting, “This Is Awesome!” before the match began. In the end, after taking out Ambrose and Rollins, and surviving a one man onslaught from Roman Reigns, Bray had himself another scalp. They would have a rematch a few weeks after, and again The Wyatt Family put down The Shield. Now nothing would distract them from their ultimate target. They cost him the WWE Title against Orton. They attacked him again the night after on RAW. They continued to show up during his matches, just to get under his skin. With Hulk Hogan (naturally) at his side, John Cena finally made the challenge: Wyatt versus Cena at WrestleMania 30. Words cannot express how important this match is. With unobstructed victories over Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns, Wyatt is being pushed as a world beater. Cena is more the WWE’s world; he’s their whole goddamn universe. If Cena wins, nothing changes. Bray and his Family are still an up-and-coming, not to be missed act. Cena’s still the man and will likely be next in line for a title shot. But….BUT….if Bray Wyatt beats John Cena at WrestleMania 30, it signifies a huge shift within the WWE. No, it doesn’t mean Cena’s no longer going to be top dog. That WILL NOT CHANGE until Cena decides to leave for a while, via fatigue, another job or injury. What it will mean is that the WWE are ready to embrace a new era. Eventually, SOMEONE will defeat Cena at WrestleMania who isn’t aided by a legend or a legend himself. It could be Bryan next year. It could be anyone within The Shield, Cesaro, Dolph Ziggler, Big E or even Wyatt in a Mania rematch. Someone will do it, and it will mean something when they do. And even though I’d love to see it, even though he’s got Triple H pushing for him, even if he is the hottest act in the WWE right now, it’s still a risk. He’s still a question mark. And I STILL don’t like Bray Wyatt…but I am learning to love the son of a bitch.
I have always been more of a fan of wrestling than the entertainment that comes along with it. Where guys like The Rock and John Cena excite fans, I’ve always been partial to exciting in-ring workers like Rob Van Dam, Daniel Bryan and Chris Benoit. Even if they lacked a little something in the personality department, they could always be counted on for a great match filled with uniqueness and intensity. This is why, among other reasons, it’s been hard for me to get on the Bray train. His moveset is limited and fairly boring. He’s still incredibly stiff-looking in the ring, and not in a good way. That fat bastard can’t hit a fucking back senton for Christ’s sake. But he’s improving. Swapping finishers from his standing one armed uranage slam to his trademark twisting STO was genius, as I’ve mentioned. He finds new and interesting ways to work in character traits to matches. Laughing at his opponent or mocking the referee means he’s getting heat and resting his body without resorting to cheap crowd work or prolonged headlock naps. Like Roman Reigns, he’s still not THERE yet. He’s masked a lot by working primarily with strong partners against the best in-ring wrestlers the WWE has. His promos are still filled with enough double talk that they are not worth actually deciphering, but they’re delivered with a menacing elegance that is truly unique. The funny thing is that lots of people saw this potential well before I did. They saw something inimitable and refreshing. I saw a chubby dude who spoke gibberish wearing Magnum PI’s shirt. Again, he’s still not a great in-ring performer and may never be. But there is only one Bray Wyatt. He’s only 26-years-old and can only get better overall. He is an attraction, and a damn entertaining one. He’s like a very complex movie where you don’t understand half of it, suspect it wouldn’t make sense if you tried to get it anyway, but the ride is so fun you can forgive the details. I love it when Bray Wyatt shows up. That’s the important thing. I still don’t LIKE Bray Wyatt. I probably never will. But I’ve learned to stop worrying and love “The Eater of Worlds”.
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Disagree with anything or everything I’ve written? Have something to say? Comment below! Also, apologies for any spelling, tense or punctuations errors. I am no a best grammar. Thanks for taking your time to read the column. You are a good person.
