Hello fellow watcher of wrestling, Justin Houston here with the newest edition of “Rubbed RAW”, the go-home edition before the biggest wrestling pay-per-view of the year, WrestleMania 30! After a week off, we’re back with the RAW Recap as well as a rundown of every Mania match announced. It’s all terribly exciting I guess. Also, I did a podcast with Kevin Ford and Matt Waters all about this year’s WrestleMania. It starts out with some Tag World Grand Prix stuff but we get into Mania pretty quick. I repeat myself a bit between the ‘cast and this column, but whatever, it’s fine. It’s fiiiiine. CLICK HERE to listen to the official PWP WrestleMania 30 Podcast Preview! AND READ MY SHIT BELOW!
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RAW Recap
– The gong hits! Monday Night RAW kicks off with The Undertaker! He says he’s gonna drown Brock in, like, lost souls or something. Fuck. Lesnar and Heyman interrupt. Brock is wearing a shirt that says “Eat. Sleep. Break the Streak.” Ha. He says Lesnar is totes gonna win on Sunday and they go to leave. Brock stops and starts heading to the ring! OMG! Physical contact is going to ensue! No, Brock leaves—WAIT! He—no. He walks away again. WAIT! WAAAAAIT! He’s circling slowly like a suspicious house cat. He finally runs in and, thanks to a Heyman distraction, levels Taker with a clothesline! F-5 TO UNDERTAKER! BY GAWD! He stares daggers into The Deadman and bolts.
1. Alberto Del Rio d. Big E Langston via superkick. Good match. Del Rio works the arm for a change. Big E actually sells it phenomenally well. I’m impressed. Some good near falls, too. Del Rio hits the Tee of Woe double stomp on E followed by his shitty shin shot for the win. Crowd was pretty behind ADR to be honest.
– The Wyatt Family is backstage in the darkness. Bray talks about prying the eyes of children open, setting fires and Cena’s legacy. He calls John a monster.
2. Summer Rae d. Natalya via face kick. Moving on.
– Triple H and Stephanie McMahon come out and will probably do something terrible here. Triple H goes on and on about how this generation is rotten and not loyal. You know, the generation that will drive their business forward in the future. Yeah, they’re genuinely shitting on them. They mention Fandango, how he’s nothing now. Triple H blames the fans for this, I guess forgetting he can push anyone, at any time, for any reason. Some people will LOVE this speech he’s giving. Those people hate the world and like being told how terrible the world is. Good for you, great. You’re an idiot. Triple H continues to blur his real feelings and kayfabe, using in-wrestling excuses to explain out-of-ring behavior. It’s preposterous, and a lot of very unintelligent people will call it amazing. It’s not. It’s cheap to rip someone for a catchphrase when you have 700 of your own. It’s easy. It’s all Triple H has to lean on. They show a video of Stephanie ripping past champions for catchphrases and making fans pop. Then they gloss over said 700 ways Trips does it. Again, this is frustrating because it’s NOT called out for being hypocritical. EVER. BY ANYONE. So it’s not treated as conjecture. It’s treated as a fact. Batista comes out and the two buddies trade barbs. Orton comes out and oh my god sooooo many terrible characters in one ring. We’re a Heidenreich away from a ring implosion. They say more stuff. I super-duper don’t care. Batista and Orton will now be No DQ.
3. The Usos & Los Matadores d. RybAxel & The Real Americans via pinfall. Crazy fun match. Not enough Cesaro greatness and Los Matadores were botching all over the place, but it was undeniably entertaining. More excited for their Mania match now.
4. Cody Rhodes & Goldust d. Damien Sandow & Fandango via pinfall. Fine match. Goldie pinned Sandy with the Final Cut. My girlfriend just called Dusty Rhodes fat. This is UNACCEPTABLE. I mean…he WAS fat, but c’mon now. Leave Dusty alone. Fuck.
– The Shield is backstage. They say stuff and put their fists together as a show of their strong union. God I hope they beat the Corporate Outlaws at Mania…
5. Bray Wyatt d. R-Truth via Sister Abigail. Extended squash. Harper kills Xavier Woods afterwards with the discus lariat. The Wyatt Family poses in a spotlight and a fourth jumpsuit-wearing sheep-masked person shows up behind them. It’s obviously Cena. They stare in awe, apparently not aware it’s him somehow. He takes the mask off and STARES DIRECTLY INTO THE HARD CAM. Holy fuck that was stupid. He single-handedly tosses out all of The Wyatts and stands tall in a neon green headband.
6. Lumberjill Match: Naomi d. AJ Lee via Rear View. Tamina tried to protect AJ from the other Diva’s, but to no avail. Naomi gets the pinfall as Vickie looks on and, thankfully, says nothing.
– John Cena cuts another fantastic early 90s babyface promo. But it’s 2014 so it’s just painful to listen to.
– The do a WrestleMania roundtable discussion. Who cares. I’d love the opportunity to punch Alex Riley square in the face. His face is just SO punchable. I feel like my fist could live there. Also, punchable is totally a term, Microsoft Word. I should not have had to add that.
7. Kane d. Roman Reigns via disqualification. This was a WWE app vote. I voted for Rollins. Short match. The Outlaws showed up and the rest of The Shield ran them off. They triple-teamed Kane for the DQ. They tried the three-man powerbomb, but NAO pulled Kane out of the ring.
– Pipers Pit! Roddy Piper talks WrestleMania 1 and the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. The Miz interrupts and calls himself the odds-on favorite to win Andre Royale. Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler and Titus O’Neil come out, too. Roddy instigates a brawl and now all the other Andre Royale guys start coming out. Mysterio gets his own music cue. So does The Big Show! They all attack him but it’s not enough. He obliterates everyone but Mysterio, who he saves for last. He tosses Mysterio out onto everyone and Piper holds Big Show’s hand high.
8. No Disqualification: Randy Orton vs. Batista ends in a no-contest. HHH and Steph come to ringside. They are on commentary. It’s already eleven o’clock so this can’t go on long. Couple of chair shots but it’s mostly just stalling. Orton gets a kendo stick and wails on Batista around the ring. The match is progressing in-ring now and all of a sudden Daniel Bryan shows up! He’s kicking the shit out of Triple H! Busaiku Knee to Batista! Dropkick to Orton! DIVE OUT ONTO THE GAME! The crowd is going fucking berserk. Shows ends with Bryan chant YES with the rest of the crowd. Exciting ending to a totally pedestrian RAW.
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WWE Tag Titles: The Usos© vs. RybAxel vs. Real Americans vs. Los Matadores
How We Arrived Here: Jimmy and Jey won the tag team titles from The New Age Outlaws in Chicago a couple of RAWs ago. The NAO threatened to use their rematch clause in an effort to further drag down the tag division, but they were injured at the time and it would turn out that Kane needed them for some dirty work (See Below). So the Usos kept the belts. RybAxel did some Authority dirty work and got themselves a title shot. Los Matadores won some tag matches, getting theirs the honorable way. The Real Americans, despite a lot of recent fighting between Jack Swagger and Antonio Cesaro, managed to defeat The Usos on Raw a couple weeks ago. Oh, and the match is on the preshow now, too. TAG DIVISION MATTERS AGAIN! Pfffft.
How We Should’ve Arrived Here: Actually, this worked out pretty well. It would be nice if the WWE cared about building tag matches like they build World Title matches but they don’t. This is as close to a proper build as we are allowed. All three teams “earned” their shot in differing ways, which is also cool. I don’t think much of RybAxel though. How are Cody Rhodes and Goldust not easy choices for this match? I understand the desire to have a truly heel team in there, but Ryback and Curtis Axel are just not very interesting. The match should be good, but RybAxel being replaced by Kofi Kingston and a returning Evan Bourne would’ve made me positively giddy for the contest.
Who Should Win: The Usos. I would be alright with the Real Americans or Los Matadores, too, honestly, but The Usos deserve a big time win to solidify themselves as the top dogs in the tag division.
Who Will Win: The Usos. They really, really need to be legitimized. I’m sure there’s a strong desire to keep them as an easy to plug in team for trios matches, but these guys deserve it. Despite it getting them further away from a split, I could see The Real Americans getting the belts, too. But my money’s on Jimmy and Jey.
Six-Man Tag: The Shield vs. Kane & The New Age Outlaws
How We Arrived Here: Corporate Kane, now working for Triple H and Stephanie McMahon as a member of The Authority, kept barking orders at The Shield. Reigns, Rollins and Ambrose got sick of it so they beat the shit out of Kane instead of following commands. During a match with RybAxel, Kane and The NAO, long-time allies of Trips and Steph, came out to beat The Shield down. It’s how RybAxel got their title shot and how we got this match. EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED.
How We Should’ve Arrived Here: Should we really have gotten here at all? Is this match necessary or even desirable? Like they did in the tag division over the past two months, The Outlaws are just in the way here. Their spot could’ve been filled by a number of people more capable and deserving. Kane recruits Titus O’Neil and Brodus Clay, two monster-sized heels, as partners. Kane bribes Bray Wyatt to use Harper and Rowan, perhaps offering him some ominous favor for a future storyline. Or maybe Kane taps The Ascension, current NXT tag champions, for their in-ring debut. Or I dunno maybe LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. I understand they want to keep it tied to The Authority and that the NAO are COLOSSAL GATE-SPODING DRAWS, but it works without them. Kane has seemingly gone a bit rogue from Trips & Co., so choosing non-Authority partners would be right in line with that. I’m sure the match will be fine, but will lack significance or even a passing curious on my part. It will occur and then it will have occurred.
Who Should Win: THE SHIELD, GODDAMNIT.
Who Will Win: Sigh. I’m going to say that creative isn’t so insane as to put the Corporate Outlaws over The Shield here. However, it would be very easy for them to justify. The Shield is destined to break up sometime this year, and this would serve as a big time catalyst. I hope they don’t have them lose. I hope Reigns murder fucks the whole lot of them. But I’m worried.
Vickie Guerrero Invitational: 14-Diva Match for the WWE Divas Title
How We Arrived Here: Everybody Hates AJ starring AJ Lee. She pissed off Vickie Guerrero and Vickie used her girthy powers to fuck over everyone’s favorite rage princess: she’s facing ALL the Diva’s, ever, at Mania. Even AJ’s ally, Tamina, seemed very excited at the likelihood she’d get to kick the shit out of the Diva’s champ.
How We Should’ve Arrived Here: On a sexy tugboat. I dunno, who cares.
Who Should Win: Emma. WILDCARD, BITCHES! Hear me out. Emma is the newest Diva to debut in the WWE. I think. She’s bubbly (Literally. Bubbles are involved in her entrance). She’s very skilled. She’s oh so adorable. She’s gonna be in the Diva’s division a long, long time barring injury, pregnancy or kidnapping. But more importantly, she’s NOT like AJ. She’s the antithesis of the brooding, self-aggrandizing Diva’s champion. A feud between them could be a nice shot in the arm to the Diva’s division, with Santino and Tamina serving as comedic fodder since Santino used to date Tamina and is now smitten with Emma. Outside of that scenario, I’d be fine with either Bella Twin, Naomi or Tamina getting the belt.
Who Will Win: Naomi or Tamina. AJ’s had it forever and, while easily the best Diva on the roster, a break from the belt would be a good thing. Tamina turning on her partner to capture the gold or Naomi bouncing back from injury would make the most sense and impact the division. This NEEDS to be impactful, even if it’s AJ standing tall in the ending, laughing maniacally over everyone. The Diva’s title has NEVER been defended at WrestleMania. I think the last time a women’s title was defended at Mania was back in 2007. Those are embarrassments that will finally be rectified.
Grudge Match: Bray Wyatt vs. John Cena
How We Arrived Here: Bray Wyatt, the enigmatic, anti-pragmatist leader of The Wyatt Family, despised the artificial nature of John Cena’s superhero persona. DON’T WE ALL, BRAY. He kept screwing with Cena. John Boy gots fed up with that noise and was all, “Fight me, dog!” John Cena is the Mark Wahlberg who never grew up. Wyatt continued attacking and messing with his mind. Cena cut, like, one really good promo before reverting back to his same bullshit shtick of legacies and heroes. Cena says he’s scared of Bray. He SAYS this because he’s a fucking terrible actor and cannot be trusted to realistically convey it. Cena’s faced way scarier dudes than Bray, so this whole thing feels like they booked the match and filled the gaps in later.
How We Should’ve Arrived Here: The fear thing is great, really. It’s Bray’s bread and butter (FAT JOKE). However, Cena would not be afraid of someone hurting him or his legacy. He’s above all that shit, that’s why his angle of this story doesn’t even make sense. What would freak Cena out is if Bray suddenly threatened to make wrestling unpalatable for his fans. If he scared kids at ringside and mocked all the falsehoods of the WWE. Cena is Batman and the WWE is his Gotham City: do whatever you want to him, but don’t ever fuck with his home. THAT would have made this more thrilling, a battle of ideologies. The PG nature of family entertainment versus the grim reality of existence. It’s basically what Bray does anyway, but they don’t draw attention to it in this context. It doesn’t have to be vulgar or crass either. Bray could just depress people, talk about the harsh world that parents protect kids from. The lies adults tell themselves to survive. Again, Wyatt does this some now, but it’s more abstract. It needs to be focused to be effective, otherwise he’s easily written off. He freaks you out a bit but he doesn’t make you think. Nothing he says ever settles in. Once he gets to that point, this feud will get a helluva lot more interesting.
Who Should Win: Bray Wyatt.
Who Will Win: John Cena. I hate to say it, but I just don’t see him losing here. Like the Diva’s Match, the story seems set up to only end one way: vengeance. Cena has made this about his legacy. While I’d love to see Bray go over and set his sights on the WWE Title, I feel like Super Cena will show up one more time and mow down The Wyatts.
Winner Enters the Main Event: Triple H vs. Daniel Bryan
How We Arrived Here: Vince McMahon despised Daniel Bryan. Triple H was very supportive of him. Then, for reasons to this day that have never been explained, Triple H changed his mind. After weeks of support for Bryan, obstructing Vince’s efforts to screw him over at every turn, Triple H betrayed him. After refereeing a match that saw Daniel Bryan finally capture the WWE Title, HHH attacked him, allowing Randy Orton to cash in his Money in the Bank contract and take the belt. Since then, Trips has become more and more powerful backstage and Daniel Bryan, despite genuine attempts from management to ignore fan reaction, has continued to be the most popular superstar in the WWE. Bryan got screwed by Triple H once again at Elimination Chamber, and demanded a match. It took legions of his fans storming the ring and holding RAW hostage to get it done, but Bryan got his match…with the added stip that after he beats HHH, he goes to the main event match at WrestleMania, making it a triple threat. After some bitching from the current Mania main eventers, Triple H also decreed that the stipulation applied to himself as well. Since then, The Authority gang fucked Bryan while he was handcuffed, Bryan was kept off RAW the next week for some goddamn reason and he finally showed back up on RAW tonight, beating the hell out of Trips and standing tall at the end of the show.
How We Should’ve Arrived Here: With a shitload less bile involved. Whenever Trips gets his hands on a storyline or a dangling thread the WWE enjoys, it suddenly becomes less cool, less interesting and completely devoid of enthusiasm. He doesn’t know how to be a heel. He’s either a “cool heel” who’s a dick and we’re supposed to respect him or he’s a monstrous, self-centered butt plop who dominates everyone and leaves the crowd dead silent from frustration. The only thing about HHH that gets true boos is his entrance. Then he talks, falls into one of those categories and the audience doesn’t know what the fuck to do. He also has a knack for turning subtlety into LOUD, OBVIOUS NOISES. The Yes! Movement has become less loud lately simply because Triple H called it The Yes! Movement. It made it a WWE thing, trademarked it and worked it into his shitty promos. Also, the reason Austin/McMahon worked so well so many years ago is because they knew their roles. Austin kicked ass, McMahon got his ass kicked. Period. Set a fucking watch to it. Even when Vince put the belt on himself, he was STILL getting his ass handed to him. This feud is not that, though it could and should have been. This is what happens when an ass kicker meets someone who refuses to let his ass get kicked unless it’s SUPER important because HE’S super important. It’s ridiculous. Bryan should’ve fed Trips his teeth every week until the go-home RAW. HHH obliterates him, calling into question whether he can even make the show. He comes out in a suit, says Bryan can’t go so he wins, Bryan’s music hits, he enters, they have a match and Bryan moves on.
Who Should Win: Daniel Bryan.
Who Will Win: Daniel Bryan. If Bryan loses, consider Rubbed RAW cancelled. I’ll betcha anything he catches a beating after the match even if he does win.
The André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
How We Arrived Here: Hulk Hogan came up with it after a cocaine-fueled fever dream took him back to WrestleMania 3. He had to fight seven bajillion Andres, bodyslamming all of them with relative ease. Then he fucked some girl at ringside that reminded him of his mother. When he finally snapped out of it, he realized he was walking to the ring on Monday Night RAW. So he told everyone that WrestleMania was getting a battle royal that in no way differs from The Royal Rumble other than the winner getting a Mania title shot. Because they’re already AT WrestleMania and that’d be stupid.
How We Should’ve Arrived Here: If you’re going to put on a pointless battle royal involving a dead legend and a trophy carved in his likeness, I can think of no better way to introduce it than Hulk Hogan sweating his way through lines he just learned eighty seconds before walking out. SOLID.
Who Should Win: Somebody new or surprising. Titus O’Neil, Fandango, Goldust and Brodus Clay come to mind. Make it something more than a stock victory. Hell, you could use it as an excuse to involve Hogan. Have The Miz win, shit all over Andre the Giant and have Hulk come out and fuck him up. Because legends.
Who Will Win: Sheamus. Maybe Big Show……nah, Sheamus. It’s still a dream for the WWE to get Sheamus over as some sort of strong style cartoon character. He’s gonna do SOMETHING meaningful at Mania, and since this is all he’s booked to do, it’s gotta be here. Sheamus wins Andre Royale.
Beast vs. Streak: Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker
How We Arrived Here: Brock demanded a title shot at Mania. Trips said no. He then demanded something super, ultra, crazy meaningful and the Undertaker showed up and then that’s basically the whole fucking thing. They stretched THAT across five weeks of television.
How We Should’ve Arrived Here: They should’ve teased Undertaker versus some else like Bryan or Kane and have Brock show up and murder him good and proper like he did Mark Henry (RIP). Brock stops waiting to be handed something and just TAKES it. He’s overconfident and ready to eviscerate Taker at Mania. That’s when the mind games start. Not just the casket stuff, but weirder, more psychological shit. He claims he’s not sleeping, he complains about gongs in the distance, feeling uneasy all the time. He beats up crew guys because he swears they threatened him. It’s nothing hokey that you actually see yourself, it’s just Brock basically losing his mind over the course of five weeks. On the go-home RAW, Taker winds up kidnapping Heyman, leaving the final image before their Mania match being Brock standing in the ring alone for the first time in ages as the gongs play over the loudspeaker. Look, no one’s buying Brock winning, so that would have at least put Brock in a unique situation going into the show.
Who Should Win: The Undertaker. Let’s just not fuck with The Streak, okay? Okay.
Who Will Win: The Undertaker. Brock has the least chance of pulling it off out of anyone Taker’s faced in years, but there’s still always a chance.
WWE World Heavyweight Title: Randy Orton© vs. Batista vs. HHH/Bryan
How We Arrived Here: Orton was basically handed the WWE Title thanks to Triple H and managed to beat John Cena to merge it with the Heavyweight Title. Now two titles with one name, Orton will be defending it against the reviled returning Batista and the winner between HHH and Bryan. Batista originally returned as a face, but fans hated him from the feet up so they wisely turned him back heel after the disastrous fan response he received when he won this year’s Royale Rumble. Orton’s still a bitch, Batista’s an asshole and neither is happy that a third man was added to the main event after the fact. This was originally going to be a singles match, but response was so overwhelmingly negative that the WWE is making it a triple threat just to avoid a Mania ended in a riot.
How We Should’ve Arrived Here: We seriously fucking shouldn’t have. Orton’s character is a wreck and a disservice to his abilities. Batista doesn’t seem to give a fuck about any of this, carrying himself with a sense of smugness that even The Rock had the good sense to leave at home. It’s really unpleasant to watch. He’s like a shitty celebrity who shows up and doesn’t want to play along. Fucking Bob Barker played along, Dave. YOU ARE NO BOB BARKER. This should have always involved either Daniel Bryan, CM Punk or both of them. It obviously was never planned that way because Punk walked the fuck out and Bryan was potentially jammed in as a fix to the problem of having two unlikable guys fighting in the main event of the biggest PPV of the year. Brock Lesnar railing against The Authority would have worked just fine here as the third man in the match. Just adding Bryan into it would have worked. BEGGING Punk to return and having him go over in the end would have been phenomenal. But the original plan of Orton/Batista, with both serving as horrible dickheads go in, was a stupid fucking plan.
Who Should Win: Bryan. If ANYBODY other than Daniel Bryan is holding the title at the end of WrestleMania 30, the WWE is going to have a shit storm on their hands. Boos lead to people throwing shit leading to headlines that the WWE hates its own audience. Even in a world where no publicity is bad publicity, that’s some pretty fucking awful publicity.
Who Will Win: I originally had Batista winning here. I felt like it was a stipulation of his return and that he’d be expecting to get it. Despite coming back to nothing but thunderous indignation from fans, I still feel like Batista wants that belt. And he’s gonna get it, too, guaranteed. Whether it’s at Extreme Rules in May or Payback in June, Batista will have that belt at some point. But after hearing the arguments of my podcasting brethren, I feel like it’s probably not going to be here. I believe Daniel Bryan WILL walk out with the championships at WrestleMania. And remember, to those of you who cannot wrap their minds around “CM Punk” chants and fans actually rallying to change the WWE: that moment is not one the WWE planned to give us. If you think Bryan being in the main event was always the arrangement, think again. WE made this happen. Voicing our displeasure over Orton/Batista on social media. Bombarding arenas with “Yes!” chants and screams of “Boo-tista”. CM Punk gave the WWE a voice we identified with and we did something with it. If it means some fans are alienated because they don’t like organized protests or actually affecting change, so the fuck what? Fuck’em. WE made this happen, all of us. So enjoy it when Bryan is holding those two belts with the confetti streaming down and some loud fucking pyro is shooting off. It’s the best moment we could ask for. And if it’s not him with the belts in the end, well…we’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.
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Disagree with anything or everything I’ve written? Have something to say? Comment below! Also, apologies for any spelling, tense or punctuations errors. I am no a best grammar. Thanks for taking your time to read the column. You are a good person.
