Yeah, you nerds thought I was going to write a column on April Fool’s Day. Fat chance! Joke’s on you, ha ha, big funny. But seriously, I got a little busy with my WrestleMania week, so instead of half-assing this piece, I thought I’d wake up early and give you at least three-quarters of my ass, if not a little more. Because you deserve it, and because I’m totally not reeling from the effects of what I did last night. “Going through the motions,” I believe they call it? OK, well, more on that concept later. Here’s a quick update on my WrestleMania XXX Contest, which is now official and commands its own bold-faced title like that.

As of 8:43 a.m. CT on 4/2/14, a total of ONE person has entered my the contest. You read that correctly. That means one person, who may or may not already be following me on my social media, took three seconds to send me an email with “WrestleMania Contest” in the subject line. I mean, I want more people to enter, but I’m saying nobody here is really being any sort of inconvenienced if you don’t. Personally, I would love to mail my buddy a thing or two from New Orleans, for free, but that’s not up to me. That’s up to you.

You have a few more days to enter this, the first and final contest I ever run. Rules can be found here.

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Now that we’ve got the introductory stuff out of the way, let’s chat AAW. This past Saturday the Berwyn company debuted in Pontiac, a sleepy city located centrally in Illinois. I could get into a whole spiel about my roadtrip down there with my girlfriend and Jerome in the backseat, about the rude server at KFC we all wanted to strangle, or the many colorful people populating Freakster’s Roadhouse, the venue hosting the show, but that would be totally self-serving, and even more totally what this column isn’t about! (Maybe some other time.)

Instead, I’m doing something neat called Five Up, Five Down.

FIVE UP
1. Ethan Page vs. Louis Lyndon
Far and away the match of the evening, from an in-ring and a theatrical perspective. Page worked as a heel and he involved everybody from the female fans whom he insulted to the folks “in the ninth row.” There were eight rows, and part of me thinks Page knew that, since he seemingly knows everything. Lyndon played the superhero babyface to counter Page, and it led to a fun dynamic in which I actually wanted to see All Ego get his head kicked in (which did happen, several times). Lyndon got the win, the bad guy got his comeuppance, etc. High praise for Page here, who made working the crowd look like a snap. Still like him better as a babyface.

2. Kevin Harvey
I have to be honest with you: I’ve never been a huge supporter of Harvey, nor his stable We Are Here, but I will give him a world of credit for his recent work, including a handful of solid performances at “Take No Prisoners.” In the first match of the night, he lit a fireball in Tony Rican’s face — didn’t look like it connected, but I’ve never lit a fireball, so I can’t judge. And in a match featuring Rhino, he took a really nice-looking, and nice-sounding table bump, which I have been waiting, and dying, to see for years. Harvey is good at getting the marks to hate him. Perhaps too good. And Saturday was our time to celebrate our little victory.

3. Freakster’s Roadhouse
Pontiac proper did not impress me much, but the venue itself did. Very casual joint full, and I do mean full, of hungry, happy, somehow Southern people. (Ninety minutes outside of Chicago and everybody has a Southern accent. How is this possible?) Accents aside, AAW sold a lot of tickets on Saturday, making it a no-brainer for a return date on May 31.

4. Rhino
The “manbeast,” as he is so known, had the crowd in the palm of his hand from start to finish, and he made Tweek Phoenix look like a million bucks. He lent him a nice control segment and the two brawled out into the audience, per the AAW standard. Of all the old ECW talent still floating around on the indys, Rhino is one that can still go. He also remained glued to the merch table whenever he wasn’t competing, which, as a hapless mark, I respect and appreciate. Keep making that money, Rhino. And, yes, please come back.

5.The New-New-New(?) House of Truth
Justice Jones had a feverish debut for AAW at the 10th Anniversary Show, and it was there he made his allegiance with Knight Wagner known. Together, and perhaps with the aid of Truth Martini via FaceTime, they are a new House of Truth, a stable that should be comfortable and familiar to AAW fans and fans of indy wrestling alike. I haven’t loved every incarnation of the group, but I think Jones is solid and Wagner is coming into his own more and more, so there isn’t much to debate here. The duo were victorious Saturday against crowd favorites Moon Dog Bernard and Sea Man because of course they were. Whether Knight and Justice can shake things up and work past the bottom half of the card remains to be seen. AAW has stables right now, but they’re not supergroups.

FIVE DOWN
1. ACH vs. Kyle O’Reilly
I know both men competed at PWG the previous night. I know both men didn’t get out of that show till probably 2 a.m. pacific time, which is like, 4 a.m. here. I get that they were running on very little sleep. I will give these two incredible wrestlers every excuse in the book whenever they call for it — but this time I am having a little difficult. Long story short, it appeared these two went through the motions of the match, and as someone who is highly emotionally invested into this series of matches, that’s disappointing. Understandable but disappointing. I would much rather have seen a three-way tossing in a Jimmy Jacobs, who looked fresh and ready to go. Kyle still could have won, I just think they needed someone else in there who could’ve kept the energy up. Not a knock on either performer and probably speaking more to my high standards.

2. Michael Elgin vs. Shane Hollister
It wasn’t a terrible match but it wasn’t a very good one, either. The crowd was completely silent for both of these men, and I don’t understand why. They deserved better, yes, but there was something definitely off about the entire thing. Maybe it was because Elgin was at PWG the previous night, maybe the crowd just wasn’t buying a title change, maybe it was too late. The finish looking weak and underpowered didn’t help matters, and it made zero sense in the context of the evening. Was Elgin the heel in this match, since Page was heel earlier? Whatever the reason or reasons, this match didn’t do it for me. And that’s OK. Not every match has to win me over or cause me to split my pants with excitement, and at day’s end, I still enjoy watching both Elgin and Hollister perform.

3. No Christian Rose
Marek Brave and Matt Cage put on a great contest, full of heat, and the right man won, but it was how he won that struck me. I am a huge fan of the Christian Rose/Marek Brave feud, although it’s one that never seemed to get out of the starting gate. Last year, Rose was barred from the Eagles Club after eating defeat in a “Loser Leaves Berwyn” match. I put two and two together in my own noggin and thought it would be really neat to see Rose cost Brave his title match, and do it in Pontiac. It just made sense but perhaps it was too obvious, or perhaps the stipulation was legitimate and Rose is not being invited back at all. Or he doesn’t want to come back. Reason regardless, he should be back. AAW needs more talkers, and Rose can talk.

Yes, that’s right. Only three complaints about the show, and if I’m being generous, none were the fault of the performers. Usually three ain’t enough, man, but I needed no more this time around. Truth be told, “Take No Prisoners” was a real quiet, small-time show, with no fly-ins and few gimmicks. Unpretentious and casual and I liked it that way. I had a great time at Freakster’s. However, the next show may need a little more oomph to get me to make the 90-minute drive down there.

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