Hey yo, it’s Justin Houston here with the newest edition of “Rubbed RAW”. So I’ve got the RAW Recap for you and then it’s…nothing else. Zero. Zip. None. Nada. Fubar. Munchkin. Duck sphincter. So I wrote a bunch of stuff throughout the week about where this year of WWE will take us. It was an intro, a lousy piece about Cena that desperately needed rewrites and a good thing about Brock Lesnar. It was a thing that I liked. After WrestleMania 30, neither the Lesnar stuff nor the intro make a lick of goddamn sense. I was SOOOO sure that Taker was winning, I wrote everything as if he was. SO. FUCKING. SURE. *sigh* Goddamn you, Brock Lesnar. Anyway, no extra stuff this week, just the recap. Oh, and no Rubbed RAW next week. I’ll be down in Florida…because that’s where the buzzards are taking me. READ MY SHIT.
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RAW Recap
– Our NEEEEW WWE World Heavyweight champion kicks off RAW! The crowd chants “Daniel Bryan” for literally ages. He is his usual humble self, telling them that they gave the “Yes!” movement it’s power. Amazing moment. Triple H crashes the party with Stephanie. He books himself versus Bryan for the WWE World Title…TONIGHT! Of course he does.
– Backstage, Batista finds HHH & Steph, complaining about getting a 1-on-1 match with Bryan. Orton shows up wanting the exact same thing. Triple H says they will get theirs in time. For now, they’re facing The Usos tonight for the WWE Tag Titles. They trash the tag titles. Ugh. Triple H alludes to Evolution’s strength when they are on the same side of things.
1. The Wyatt Family d. John Cena, Big E & Sheamus via pinfall. Excellent match! Crowd was squarely behind The Wyatts. Bray even got a “Wyatt’s Gonna Kill You” chant. He dropped Big E with Sister Abigail for the win.
– We get a video (re)introduction to Bo Dallas and his “Bo-liever” gimmick. Guess he’s on his way up soon.
2. Santino & Emma d. Fandango & Summer Rae via submission. Early Fandango-ing, but it died fairly quickly. Emma taps Summer with the Emma Lock.
– Brock Lesnar comes out with Paul Heyman. Fans chant “bullshit” and they boo like crazy. Paul goes OFF on the WWE Universe, bragging like crazy. Paul tells the story of Vince McMahon riding in the ambulance with Undertaker after their match, missing the rest of the show. Heyman calls Taker a loser. He goes up and down the list of Brock accomplishments, calling him “The One in ‘21 and 1’”. They leave.
– Adam Rose gets a debut video, showing off his party maniac character. He’s got a bus and everything. The bus has a name. I do not remember it.
3. The Usos and Randy Orton & Batista go to a double disqualification…I think. Batista got some early “You Tapped Out” chants. Fans don’t give one shit about this, chanting everyone from Y2J to CM Punk. Orton hits his Hangman DDT on the outside and Batista drops the other Uso with a Batista Bomb onto the steel steps. Ref calls for the bell aaaaaaaand I guess it’s a double DQ. I dunno.
– Well whadda ya know? Rob Van Dam is back! And he’s got a match.
4. Rob Van Dam d. Damien Sandow via Five Star Frog Splash. Damien stopped RVD from doing his signature pose several times. RVD hit Rolling Thunder, his frog splash and finally got to do his signature pose at the end. Short and sweet.
5. Bad News Barrett d. Rey Mysterio via Bull Hammer. Barrett is MEGA over. Rey cuts off Wade and the fans boo the lil’ luchador. Tons of Bad News Barrett chants throughout the match. Finish came when Barrett crotched Rey on the top row and leveled him with his running elbow shot.
– Another Adam Rose promo vid. Oh! It’s called The Exotic Express! HA! Anyway, Rusev is making his debut here. Well, his TV debut. Er, TV wrestling debut. He’s facing Zack Ryder here sooooooo….
6. Alexander Rusev d. Zack Ryder via submission. Yeah. His submission is called The Accolade. It’s a fucking camel clutch. Nothing about this was impressive or very interesting.
– It’s The Ultimate Warrior! He’s coming to the ring! Well over fifteen years since he’s been on RAW. He puts on a Warrior mask and delivers a Warrior-style promo. It’s kind of weird because he’s also in a suit. It gets a very polite response from the crowd.
– AJ Lee comes out with Tamina and runs down the Diva’s division Punk-style. In fact, these are direct Punk references. Hmmm. Music hits. IT’S PAIGE. OH FUCK! Crowd goes fucking apeshit and they chant her name. Paige just wants to congratulate AJ on her victory. Lee says she doesn’t need her support, slaps her and says that they should just have a match right now. In fact, she’s gonna put the title on the line! Crowd loves it!
7. Paige d. AJ Lee via Paige Turner to become the NEW Diva’s champion! Very short. AJ dominated for a minute or two and slapped on the Black Widow, but Paige turned it into her version of Masato Yoshino’s Lightning Spiral for the win. Huge pop for the victory. Craziness.
– Another Bo Dallas promo. So many new people shown tonight. I expect mass firings by Thursday…
– Hulk Hogan is here! So is the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale Trophy. Hulk says his favorite memory was the Andre Royale finish. HUGE Cesaro chants. He comes out with Zeb Coulter. No Swagger here. Fans are chanting along with his entrance music. Zeb takes the microphone and does some talking for Cesaro. The Swiss Superman does not abide this. He says he’s not a Zeb Coulter guy…HE’S A PAUL HEYMAN GUY! HOLY SHIT! Heyman comes out and calls him “The King of Swing”! Fans take to it very quickly. Swagger attacks from behind! HE DESTROYS THE ANDRE TROPHY! OH GOD NO! Cesaro sends him out of the ring but the damage is done. Fucking awesome segment. We come back and they’re having a match.
8. Cesaro d. Jack Swagger via count out. Heyman is still holding on to the top of the trophy. A “We The People” chant but they’re still booing Swagger. Cesaro’s the good guy but commentary is burying Heyman as a bad guy. This is all very weird. God Cesaro hits hard. Cesaro goes for the Giant Swing and Jack bails. As the crowd chants “pussy”, Swagger stays gone and Cesaro wins.
– Stephanie is in the back with Kane and The Shield. She says they all need to be on the same page tonight despite what happened at WrestleMania. The Shield mock Kane and Kane, in the heat of argument, reveals the Triple H was indeed the guy that ordered them beat down on Smackdown a few weeks ago. Steph shuts him up and tells The Shield that they had better have Hunter’s back.
-Daniel Bryan enters for the main event. Before Triple H enters, Batista and Orton come out and demolish Bryan with an RKO and a Batista Bomb. Kane comes out and delivers a chokeslam. Trips finally shows up. With Bryan out cold, Triple H forces the ref to start the match. He rings the bell. As Trips goes for a cover, The Shield come out and stare down Kane, Orton & Batista. Triple H tries to mediate the situation as the fans chant “Hounds of Justice”. Meanwhile, Bryan has rolled out of the ring to the apron. Both teams enter the ring. Triple H tells them to stop this! REIGNS SPEARS THE GAME! The Shield clears the ring of everyone but Triple H, who turns around right into the busaiku knee! Match result is never declared. Raw ends with Triple H declaring war on Daniel Bryan and The Shield. Kind of an anti-climactic ending since there was no match result, but surely a very memorable Raw despite only one must-see match. The ramifications of this episode will echo for the rest of the year and far beyond that.
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Disagree with anything or everything I’ve written? Have something to say? Comment below! Also, apologies for any spelling, tense or punctuations errors. I am no a best grammar. Thanks for taking your time to read the column. You are a good person.
