Rubbed RAW – June 2nd, 2014
Justin Houston here with a fancy new edition of Rubbed RAW! This week, we start off with the recap of the episode of Raw that just ended featuring a ton of fallout from Payback. The Payback PPV was awesome by the way. Good title matches, great fights between feuding factions and Hornswoggle got his head shaved. Fun times! READ MY SHIT!
– Evolution opens the show. They look like they got run over by a couple of semi-trucks. Tons of boos for them. Triple H says it’s funny that The Shield and the fans think Evolution has lost. He says that this isn’t over. He says that this isn’t over until The Shield exists no longer…and that happens tonight. Batista says he done with The Shield. Instead, he demands the one-on-one title match he was promised when he returned. Trips says Daniel Bryan is champion and can’t compete due to injury, but even he did give him one, Dave would choke. Oh SHIT. Trips says he is stressed out, man. He gets worked up, saying he wants Tthe Shield finished. He says when that happens, everyone gets what they want. Batista, “I understand…and I quit.” OH MAN! Trips screams for him to return but that’s it. Hmmm…not sure I buy this.
– They show Batista backstage saying he’s done. For like the fifteenth time already, Lawler says, “Evolution’s done because Batista is done.” So let’s play a fun new game called “Who’s! Joining! Evolution!” RybAxel? Ziggler? Sami Zayn? 3MB!?!? IT COULD HAPPEN!
1. Sheamus & Rob Van Dam d. Cesaro & Bad News Barrett via pinfall. After dodging a Brogue Kick, Cesaro and Heyman abandoned BNB. Barrett was pissed, and ended up eating a Brogue Kick and the Five-Star Frog Splash.
– Oh my God, trash-talking Indiana Pacer “Lance Stephenson” is out here. It’s Sandow, of course. As my girlfriend puts it, “What is this thing they’re doing and why is it so amazing?” “Lance” says LeBron is the greatest basketball player of all time and trash-talks the Pacers. He does some sweet basketball moves and The Big Show comes out. Man, he’s in great shape. Sandow is furious that he’s out here. He gives Show the ball and dares him to get by him. He starts blowing on Show like Lance did LeBron! This is marvelous! Show tosses the basketball into “Lance’s” dick and punches his lights out. Segment of the Year contender for sure. I’m only a little kidding here, honestly.
2. Bo Dallas d. Kofi Kingston via Bo-Dog. Goddamnit I hate Bo’s hair so fucking much. He also cut a fairly lousy promo beforehand, playing up the same LeBron stuff Sandow just did. A “Bray is Better” chant broke out at one point, as did a “Bo-ring” chant. That’s fucking brutal, man. Anyway, Bo won. There’s something to this gimmick, but Bo’s not getting any help via music, gear, commentary, etc. He’s on his own out there and it ain’t working just yet.
– Stephanie McMahon is out now. No reaction for her entrance, immediate boos upon her starting to talk. After going on and on and on, Stephanie eventually books Bryan vs. Kane in a Stretcher Match for the WWE World Title at Money in the Bank. If Bryan can’t go, then the Money in the Bank Match is for the vacated title. Ugh, great. She continues to talk and John Cena comes out for some reason. Everybody’s getting boos here. IT’S LIKE NO ONE WANTS THEM ON THE SHOW OR SOMETHING. Cena cuts a great promo, defending Bryan, destroying Stephanie, saying she’s belittling the legacy of the WWE Title, and gets the most cheers he’s gotten in the last eight years. She books Cena versus Kane for right now and says, “Payback’s a bitch, and so am I.” Good segment.
3. John Cena d. Kane via disqualification. Fine little match. Kane did not honor the sacred five count so he was disqualified. Kane went for the tombstone on the steel steps but Cena fought it up and threw the steel steps at the demon. As Cena left, Kane sat up and messed up the announcer’s table like a jerk.
– I think I missed a segment involving Randy Orton because I was eating a donut. Whatever, who cares.
– 3MB is out. They say Hornswoggle has already grown his hair back. They bring him out and he’s wearing an afro wig. Marvelous.
4. Los Matadores d. Slater & McIntrye via pinfall. El Torito yanks off the wig and exposes Horny’s head, which is NOT bald everywhere. He left dangling scraps in the back. He looks awful. He runs off. Matador #2 gets a roll-up on Slater for the win.
5. Alicia Fox & Aksana d. Nikki Bella via pinfall. This was supposed to be a tag, but Brie was fired and Steph decided to fuck over Nikki I guess? Fox hit the axe kick on her for the win. Afterwards, Fox attacks Nikki for a while and yells crazy shit.
– The Wyatt music hits and it’s Rowan and Harper. He talks about dragons and beasts and says the Usos will suffer and burn for their misdeeds. This was good for a first-time promo from them.
– We come back from commercial and Zeb Coulter is mid-rant. This brings out Adam Rose and…hey! They fixed his entrance! That weird music for the Rosebuds is gone and Rose shows up just as the hook in the music comes back. Way better entrance. Anyway, match time.
6. Adam Rose d. Jack Swagger via Running Party Foul. Short but fine match. Rose hit a running snapmare driver for the win. It was pretty impressive. Now, if Rhodes and Goldust would just join up with Rose and RybAxel become Real Americans, we’d have a nice little feud here.
7. Non-Title Match: Harper & Rowan d. The Usos via pinfall. No Bray Wyatt here, though his rocking chair showed up. Very long, very good match. Despite Harper being amazing as usual, it was Rowan who picked up the victory (clean, no less) with a Muso-style sitout slam. Guess they’ve got a title shot coming.
– Still to come: Ziggler versus Del Rio for the billionth time with a MITB spot on the line and Orton versus Reigns in the main event.
8. MITB Qualifier: Alberto Del Rio d. Dolph Ziggler via cross armbreaker. Very good short match. ADR is the first entrant in this year’s Money in the Bank Match in, like, three weeks. Ziggler is, yet again, just a jobber, which is nuts to me.
– Backstage, Cody Rhodes and Goldust talk. Looks like Cody is choosing Goldust a new partner for tonight since Cody thinks Goldie deserves better.
9. RybAxel d. Goldust & Sin Cara via pinfall. Axel hit that weird facebuster thingy on Sin Cara for the win. This is going to go on like this for a while I suspect.
– Lana comes out. A bunch of people are in the ring with a podium that looks like the Bulgarian flag. Russia is honoring Rusev with some kind of award I think? Fuck, I don’t know. Rusev comes out in a suit. He stands on the podium. Some people say a bunch of shit. Who FUUUUCKING cares. It goes on for a fucking day and a half. The Russian national anthem plays. Confetti falls! God this is fucking weird. It’s eight ‘til eleven, for fuck’s sake. NO ONE INTERRUPTS THIS. GODDAMN YOU, DOUBLE DOUBLE E.
– The Shield comes out. They relish in their domination of Evolution. Rollins says they adapted and Evolution perished. Reigns says they weren’t brothers, The Shield is. Evolution comes out, what’s left of it. Triple H says that they’re going with Plan B. Trips says that there is always a Plan B and that he doesn’t lose. SETH ROLLINS TURNS ON THE SHIELD! He demolishes Reigns and Ambrose with chair shots. He hands a chair to Orton, who does the same to the fallen Shield members. Rollins, HHH and Orton stand over The Shield and Triple H, as he always does, wins again. Damnit.
– The show was alright until that ending……that lousy fucking swerve. The show had several short but fun matches and a nice, long tag match, plus some good segments, too. But that ending…I am just incredibly disappointed that the WWE has once again done the lazy, boring, predictable thing, this time with The Shield. I know The Shield had to end some time, but I hoped it would be something cool, something that would be as original as the group was. This was completely uninspired and indefensible. The Shield, the best thing the WWE has fucking lucked into in the last, like, two years, and they fucking end them in the most brainless, bullshit way possible: “guy turns on other guys for reasons that will never, ever make sense”. As always, fuck you, WWE. You killed something original with something we’ve seen eighty gazillion times.
– You should read Chris Bacon’s This Week in WWE TV for full results from last week’s new episodes of Monday Night RAW, Smackdown!, Main Event, NXT, Superstars, Heat, Velocity, Jakked, Metal, Shotgun Saturday Night and all the other shows WWE run on a weekly basis. It’s super comprehensive and color-coded. I dig it. Also, ask him to start doing live Raw results because then I won’t have to.
– Disagree with anything or everything I’ve written? Have something to say? Comment below! Also, apologies for any spelling, tense or punctuations errors. I am no a best grammar. Thanks for taking your time to read the column. You are a good person.