Justin Houston here with a spicy new edition of Rubbed RAW! First up is the Raw Recap. Learn who the final entrants are in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match to crown a new WWE Champion! After that, I tell you who the WWE will fire next. They fired a shitload of people last week and more people are gonna be fired soon. I will tell you who they are and why they’re being fucked over. Because I love you. READ MY SHIT!
– Monday Night RAW in Cleveland kicks off with the entire WWE locker room at the ramp. The Authority comes out. Well, at least we’re getting this out of the way early. They apologize to the locker room for not having a healthy champion for some time. Trips says Bryan has no heart and that they, both the wrestlers and fans, deserve better. Steph runs down the current WWE World Title Ladder Match participants: Del Rio, Orton, Wyatt, Sheamus and Cesaro. She then says that there will be a Battle Royal to determine the next entrant into the match. Triple H says several superstars will NOT be in the match due to their inability to evolve: Reigns, Ambrose…and Cena. Trips instead books Cena against Kane in a Stretcher Match! Well, okay then. They also announce Rollins versus Ziggler, Sheamus versus Wyatt and special guest Kevin Hart.
1. Seth Rollins d. Dolph Ziggler via disqualification. Awesome match. Huge chants for hometown boy Ziggler at the start. Tons of nearfalls. In the end, Rollins hit the turnbuckle powerbomb and the curb stomp on Ziggler and Ambrose ran in to draw the DQ. Afterwards, he challenges Rollins to fight him like a man. Triple H comes on the screen and tells Dean that he has some “bad news”, which leads to…
2. Bad News Barrett d. Dean Ambrose via count out. Solid match. Rollins showed up and Abrose chase him around, beating him up outside and drawing a count out. Afterwards, he beat up Barrett, delivering Dirty Deeds.
– Roman Reigns is backstage. He tells Vickie Guerrero, coffee in hand, that he wants in the Battle Royal and that she can make it happen by standing up to The Authority. He also says they’ll want sweetener in their coffee, when she goes to get it, Reigns does something to the drinks. She comes back, like last week, sneezes very loudly, this time directly into the drinks. She just sort of shrugs it off, which was genuinely hilarious and got a big laugh from the crowd.
– Bray Wyatt cuts another strong promo, with his now standard musical ending. Sheamus comes out, telling Wyatt he’s gonna shove his boot down his throat. Bray laughs maniacally. Sheamus says “Fella!” to cap off a truly lousy promo.
3. Sheamus d. Bray Wyatt via disqualification. Another strong match but another non finish. The Wyatts attacked Sheamus as he went for the Brogue Kick. Afterwards, lots of shenanigans involving a ladder. The Usos run up one together and dive out onto The Wyatt Family and then Sheamus throws the damn thing at them.
– Stephanie drinks her drugged coffee backstage but Triple H’s gets knocked onto Vickie so he is undrugged. Renee interviews Stephane after a break and she runs for a bathroom after a bit. Paul Heyman shows up and runs down the potential next WWE Title holders. He says it’s gonna be Cesaro because he’s the only one with a genius in his corner.
– Lana and Rusev come out together. He leaves his medal at ringside. He and Lana go ON AND ON about Russia and Putin and shit. Heath Slater, his opponent, tells them to shut the fuck up and go back to Russia. Slater gets the first pop of his career.
4. Rusev d. Heath Slater via camel clutch. Goodbye, Slater. Our first finish of the night! God this gimmick sucks.
– Stephanie vomits on Vickie. Trips took his wife home. Vickie’s in charge and she goes absolutely ballistic when he leaves. After break, Roman Reigns shows up and wants to get in the battle royal. Vickie says okay in the sweetest, nicest SHE FUCKING SCREAMS IT.
– Kevin Hart is backstage. Adam Rose shows up. Hart finds the Exotic Express unnerving. They leave. He leaves.
5. Adam Rose & Summer Rae d. Fandango & Layla via pinfall. Kevin Hart is on commentary and is the best part about all of this. He sings Rose’s theme song over and over. Summer chases Layla off and Rose hits the Party Foul for the win. Afterwards, Hart can’t help himself and runs in with Rose to dance to his theme. They are both carried off by the Rosebuds in the end.
6. WWE Title Ladder Match Battle Royal: Roman Reigns is the last man standing. Finish came down to Reigns and Rusev. HUGE heat for the big confrontation. Reigns gave Rusev a superman punch to knock him off the apron. He’s in the main event of Money in the Bank. Fairly pedestrian battle royal with an electric finish between Reigns and Rusev.
– John Cena cuts a promo and I go to take my usual poop.
7. Non-Title Match: Paige d. Cameron via PTO. No time given. Moving on.
– Backstage, Goldust says he’s met his mystery tag partner for the first time and that he’s “intergalactic” or some shit. Cody Rhodes picked a partner for his brother because blah blah blah. After break, RybAxel is in the ring waiting for Goldust and the mystery partner. The mystery partner…is STARDUST. IT’S CODY RHODES DRESSED AS GOLDUST. It’s so fucking awkward in the arena right now. Anyway, match starts.
8. The Dust Brothers d. RybAxel via pinfall. Cody won via Diamond Dust, I’m not even fucking kidding. This is completely insane. If this was somebody else, I’d be alright with it, but Cody is better than this. I don’t know. This was seriously nuts. I can’t get over it. At least the storyline didn’t go the obvious route and break them up.
9. Stretcher Match: John Cena d. Kane via…stretchering him. Not great, honestly. I’m sure others will say it was fine, but Cena shows so much air when he takes big moves these days, its breaks the suspension of disbelief. Even on boots, he sticks his hands out three feet in front of his face. Cena “took” a DDT onto the steps, Kane was given an AA through the announcer’s table. He carried him to the stretcher but Orton and Rollins interfered. They beat him down badly. Ambrose came out to spare him worse. He dumps Orton and Rollins. Kane chokeslams Ambrose but gets dumped outside by Cena. Cena tosses the steps out onto Kane, which levels him. On the ramp at the finish line, Cena gives Kane a weakass AA on the stretcher and pushes him across to win. He’s the final entrant into the main event at Money in the Bank.
Overall: Show was super solid throughout. The Battle Royal, Sheamus/Wyatt and Ambrose/Barrett were all good. The opener was great. This Ambrose/Rollins feud is hot as fuck already. Kevin Hart was fun and harmless. And though the last half hour was kind of blah, it couldn’t sully the rest of the show. The main event wasn’t great but it was important and it had great heat. Anyway, I still wish we were getting more than one ladder match, but you can’t deny this match’s importance. We will have a new WWE World Champion after Money in the Bank…unfortunately, his last name will likely be Orton or Cena.
Future Endeavor-able: Part 1
On Thursday, the WWE decided that they’d seen enough of Brodus Clay, Camacho, Yoshi Tatsu, Curt Hawkins and two thirds of everyone’s favorite, fun-loving J.O.B. Squad, 3MB. They decided that they didn’t need Evan Bourne since they had Adrian Neville. They decided they were never going to do anything, ever with Aksana. They also figured out that this “JTG” they were paying for was not a junction tension gauge for the gigantic, kaiju-fight robot they’re building but in fact a wrestler of some kind. So they fired all of these people. All of’em. Maybe while they were in the same room, I dunno. I assume they received individual phone calls from management breaking the bad news in a professional manner…but I could totally see Mr. McMahon taking sadistic pleasure in sending them off face to face. Like Vince hands Camacho a balloon and says, “Blow this up.” So Camacho blows it up and it says “You’re Fired” on it. Camacho tries to hand it back but Vince says, “Nope, that’s for you! BAH-HA-HA-HA!” Something like that. And it’s not over yet, oh no. You just know there’s more coming. This is only the beginning. I haven’t even mentioned the biggest, most shocking name to be released. He was a non-wrestler, but he was one of the greatest non-wrestlers to ever be fired unceremoniously in this fashion. He’d been with the company for ages. For a time, he was one of the very few African-Americans that appeared on television every single week, sometimes on multiple shows. He was talented, hard-working and had a unique charisma. I just can’t believe the WWE fired referee Marc Harris. If he’s not safe, NOBODY is. Anyway, this is Part 1 of my list of the next superstars that will be getting the steel-toed slipper to the zipper in the no so distant future. Remember: this is not MY opinion. I am simply conveying the opinion the WWE probably has. I’ve also decided to address my comments directly to the superstars. That way, when Vince hands them their balloon of doom, they’ll at least know why it’s happening. WARNING: there is some seriously heinous shit below. If anything offends you, I’d recommend being more difficult to offend.
Adam Rose: You debuted, like, three weeks ago and I’m already reading that there are people backstage that want to bring the Exotic Express to a halt. These are people with influence. You are fucked. Sorry.
Charlotte (NXT): You haven’t even debuted yet and you’re so totally fired. The WWE cannot take a chance on another in-their-prime Flair in this era of PG themes and behavior. The last Flair wrecked his body and mind with a lethal combination of wives, blow, booze, wives and being an insane person. There was no Twitter back then to report on his nightly inter-gender prostitute orgies and cocaine-fueled fistfights with members of the clergy. You’re a victim of the times, Char. Sorry.
The Miz: You are “The Miz”. That’s a fireable offense right there. Somewhere in every WWE contract, it should read “Do not ever be The Miz or you will be fired”. After they shitcan you, they’ll probably consider it. Sorry.
John “Bradshaw” Layfield: The last fat southern commentator with a cowboy hat was let go to make way for a talentless hack. You are not as talented as that last guy, so by the law of analogies, an even less talented guy than Michael Cole should be taking your place any day. Alex Riley will have your job within three months if he’s not fired before that. In that event, you will be replaced by someone from the Spanish team. No one will notice. Sorry.
Santino: Your comedy shtick it starting to get depressing now that you’re 53 years old or whatever you are. Emma is seventeen years old; stop hitting on her. Stop putting green crotch socks on your fist and hitting people with it. Stop it. Just stop it. Sorry.
Kofi Kingston: You’re a hell of a wrestler. That was your first mistake. You are also African American. That was your second mistake. The third was following the Shelton Benjamin playbook to become “affable black guy”. That’s what you are to the WWE, Kofi. A happy-go-lucky minority. They will never appreciate you, no matter how many times they throw you over the top rope and you wackily hang in there, kitty. There’s always someone happier and blacker. His name is Titus O’Neil and I think his grandma died of cancer or something so fuck you, Kofi. Sorry.
Rosa Mendes: Who?! Fuck you. Sorry.
Titus O’Neil: Like with Kofi, being black is detrimental to your WWE career, truly. I’m sure you’ve been asked to “act less black” by at least seven to ten people backstage before, so you know what I’m talking about. You played for my beloved University of Florida football team and you’re a legitimately intriguing personality. But you’re SOOOO BLACK, Titus. Wrestling still plays to a really large, stupid, conservative, stupid fan base. When you show up on screen, nearly half the WWE’s frail white audience instinctively goes and locks their front door. You weren’t given a fair chance, and that is honestly disappointing. At least your grandmother isn’t around to be disappointed, too. Sorry.
Natalya: I can’t even imagine how hard you’ll take this. “But I’m strong and confident and I’ve been here forever!” you’ll say. That’s all true. But sometimes you turn your face in a way that makes you look like a guy. You’re man-ish, Nattie. Everyone knows men only watch wrestling to get boners. That’s always the way it’s been and that’s not changing. You are, on occasion, a complete boner killer. Can’t have that. Also, nobody bought your whole “2nd generation superstar” deal. I’ve never heard of Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart and I don’t anyone who has. You are obviously a liar. Can’t have that either. Sorry.
Charles Robinson: I don’t care how long you’ve been a referee in the WWE, “Little Naitch”. You are NO Marc Harris. Sorry.
Kane: You’ve done every stupid thing the WWE asked you to do. “Be a dentist. Wear a mask and bodysuit. Forge a career in the shadow of a better wrestler. Lose the mask. Put the mask back on. Lose it again. Put on a suit. Why aren’t you wearing your mask?!” In the end, you’re probably being let go because “Kane Fired” is too hilarious a headline to turn down. Sorry.
Jimmy Uso: You are the inferior Uso…I think. I dunno, maybe not. TOO MANY USOS! Sorry.
Jey Uso: Don’t take it personally. They were probably trying to fire Jimmy and saw you and just rolled with it. It’s also very possible Jimmy read this before you did and when management caught up to him, he told them he was Jey. So really it’s Jimmy who fucked you, man. Sorry.
William Regal (NXT): You’re a great talker and fun commentator on NXT. I have heard you are friends with Triple H, so you’d think that would make you unable to be fired. You have wonderful, impossible hair. You could probably still wrestle occasionally, and at a high level. But you, sir, are holding on to a dark secret, aren’t you? I don’t know what it is. I can’t even prove it’s true. But I’ve seen it in your eyes, Regal, your soulless, predatorial eyes. You’ve killed a man or burned down a hospital or something in between, I don’t know. You did SOMETHING, William Regal…and you’re not going to be a member of the WWE roster when karma catches up to you. Sorry.
Emma: You’ve been on the roster for six months now and I’ve never heard you speak once. You’re either mute, have a shrill, boner-crushing voice, or they don’t care enough about you to let you talk on a microphone. Paige debuted on RAW and they literally gave her a microphone straight away. Don’t believe you’re irrelevant? Next time you come to the ring, try going after a live mic. If the staff sees you coming and they quickly toss the damn thing into the crowd or hide it inside JBL’s hat, you’ll have your proof. You will wither away in silence. Sorry.
Cody Rhodes: STARDUST. HOLY FUCK. They fucking HATE your whole family, Cody. Sorry.
Paul Heyman: When Samson’s hair was removed from his head, his fearsome strength was revoked by God for his betrayal. However, since you cut off your greasy but iconic ponytail back in February, you’ve actually grown stronger. Brock Lesnar did something big at WrestleMania, I can’t remember exactly what, and you were there for that. Now you’re managing Cesaro, the next big WWE wrestler. You’ve stopped wearing those stupid baldness-obscuring hats and just accepted the fact that you’re no longer the scrappy, fearsome underdog you used to be. There’s no venom left. Every night, you repeat the same tired catchphrases over and over again. You’re every loud, fat New Yorker that ever died choking on a hot dog while screaming at a minority. You are not a unique snowflake. As soon as Cesaro get more seasoning and Lesnar finds some other sport to start out successfully at before ultimately failing completely, you will be forgotten about forever. Sorry.
Lana: People are going to catch on to you eventually, Lana. You look “ravishing” in a pantless pantsuit. Your accent is amusing. You don’t actually do…anything. All this praise coming your way will soon evaporate once people have seen you turn, turn again, and turn once more for the eight hundredth time. At least Emma can wrestle. The second Rusev blows out a knee or tests positive for ecstasy-laced quaaludes or whatever guys like that use to get high, you’re disposable. Sorry.
Cesaro: You’re only the “next big thing” if you learn English better, you filthy European bastard. You speak no-a good very language America people do talk. That’s why Heyman’s doing your talking now. You fluently speak eighteen languages and English isn’t one of them?! Don’t let Paul do your talking. Just watch more “Friends”. I know World Cup is going on, but that’s just going to turn your further from the American language. “Footballer”? No no no…”soccer player”. I know it’s painful. Too painful for you to actually do it. So you’re probably already fired. Sorry.
Luke Harper: Remember in Tropic Thunder when Robert Downey Jr. tells Ben Stiller that “you never go full retard”? In this case, you went full smelly hillbilly and it has cost you your job. You are just way, way too authentically backwoods…like, “banjo in the woods” creepy. Also Vince is a Howard Hughes-like germaphobe and the CDC recently declared your wife beater a public health hazard. So that didn’t help either. Sorry.
Rusev: You are so fucking boring. That’s really saying something, too, because you hit hard, you’ve got a good look and you throw crazy kicks like a Japanese cruiserweight. But somehow, you’re still spectacularly dull. Half the reason anyone tolerates your presence is that a crazy hot ass blonde precedes your entrance. You’re also a drug addict and a racist, probably, I dunno. Fuck you. Sorry.
Stay tuned for Part 2 next week!
– You should read Chris Bacon’s This Week in WWE TV for full results from last week’s new episodes of Monday Night RAW, Smackdown!, Main Event, NXT, Superstars, Heat, Velocity, Jakked, Metal, Shotgun Saturday Night and all the other shows WWE run on a weekly basis. It’s super comprehensive and color-coded. I dig it. Also, ask him to start doing live Raw results because then I won’t have to.
– Disagree with anything or everything I’ve written? Have something to say? Comment below! Also, apologies for any spelling, tense or punctuations errors. I am no a best grammar. Thanks for taking your time to read the column. You are a good person.