Justin Houston here with a stanktastic new edition of Rubbed RAW! First up? Raw Recap! Last night at Money in the Bank, Seth Rollins won the MITB Briefcase after Kane prevented Dean Ambrose from climbing the ladder, The Usos and Paige retained their respective titles, Rusev stayed undefeated and John Cena became a 15-time world champion, putting Kane, Orton and five others down to win the WWE World Heavyweight Title. Tonight, Battlegrounds begins to take shape as our main event is announced and several former WWE Champions return. After that, part three of my future WWE firings list explodes into your facehole. It’s mind-bogglingly harsh. It was also a lot longer until a certain Diva decided to show back up. I basically wrote that she was gone forever and was never coming back. Yeah, THAT blew up in my pants. Anyway, GO READ MY SHIT!
- Things kick off with The Authority coming out to greet the Hartford crowd. Stephanie says she was born in Hartford and they just boo her more. Cena eventually comes out. He tells Bryan that he’ll give him a title shot when he comes back. The Authority announces that Cena is on the cover of WWE 2k15. He’s…fine with that. He’s also waiting for the other shoe to drop. They talk in funny New England accents for a while (KILL ME) before Triple H says he’s happy that John’s champion, as long as he does it with respect. Cena says he’s not in their pocket, and he’s gonna do this his way. Trips laughs and announces a Fatal Four Way for Battlegrounds. Cena defends the belt against Orton, Kane and Reigns. Uhhhh, okay. They are all facing off later tonight in a tag match later. Cena reminds Stephanie that she went swimming in crap recently. She is totally unfazed. Trips reminds him that even if he wins, there’s always a Plan B. Cue Seth Rollins. They also announce a six-man tag for later: Sheamus and The Usos versus The Wyatt Family.
1. Seth Rollins d. Rob Van Dam via Curb Stomp. Great match, with heat and psychology and junk! Afterwards, Ambrose appears on the screen. He says he’s not even mad about last night. He says it’ll be more fun this way. He says he’s going to stalk Rollins whenever he tries to cash in the briefcase and screw him out of the title opportunity! Rollins is pissed.
- Another Rusev and Lana promo straight outta the 80’s. Ooooh! Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter come out! Intriguing. Zeb tells them both to shut the hell up. He suggests that Lana is not her real name, calling them Boris and Natasha. He runs down Russia’s lack of communicative freedom. He says a real American can stop Rusev. He gets EVERYONE to do the “We The People” chant. Rusev wants to fight but Lana stops him. A huge “Let’s Go Swagger” chants erupts and I am speechless right now. Rusev finally charges and Swagger tosses him around with arm drags! Rusev bails! THIS is a Rusev feud I can get behind.
2. The Wyatt Family d. Sheamus & The Usos via pinfall. Another awesome match! Lots of nearfalls. Crazy hot finish, too.
- Nikki Bella backstage says that she doesn’t think bringing Brie last night was a big deal. Stephanie just happens to wander up at that exact moment. She tells Nikki that she and Brie have a tag match against The Funkadactyls tonight. But since Brie “abandoned her”, Steph guesses it’s a handicap match.
- Bo Dallas asks for two minutes of silence for Bad News Barrett and Daniel Bryan, two superstars who are injured. King says that’s enough and JBL shushes him. Bradshaw is the best part of Bo Dallas. It goes on so long King suggests he “bo-sed off”, which is line of the fucking night. Bo shows the footage of Bryan calling him a boner last night. He tells everyone to Bolieve.
3. The Funkadactyls d. Nikki Bella via pinfall. Pretty straight forward. Naomi gets the pin via diving reverse DDT. Afterwards, Cameron gets in her partner’s face, indicating that she wanted the win. They shove each other and Cameron just leaves.
- The Intercontinental Title has been vacated. Bad News Barrett is out for several months. At Battlegrounds, a new Intercontinental champion will be decided in a Battle Royal. Okay.
4. Kofi Kingston d. Cesaro via COMMERCIAL BREAK. Yeah, Kingston won during a commercial break. The finish was a sell for the WWE app, which can go fuck itself quite frankly. We come back to Cesaro beating the absolute shit out of our winner, tossing him all around the ring. He tosses him around the crowd for a while, too. He runs him into the post and he lariats him HARD on the floor.
- What happens next is an abomination. It’s a terrible fucking commercial for Twisted Tea disguised as a backstage segment involving Santino and Adam Rose . Go ahead and consider Rose’s gimmick completely dead after serving as a fucking booze shill. Goddamn.
- It’s Vince McMahon! Er, “Vince McMahon” anyway. It’s Sandow doing a wonderful McMahon impression. He says he’s hired some of the greatest superstars in history: Hulk Hogan, Triple H, Steve Austin and Damien Sandow! He says he’s entering Sandow into the IC Title Battle Royal. Stephanie McMahon shows up on screen as Queen Buzzkill. She rants for a while and says he’s got a match right now.
5. The Great Khali d. “Vince McMahon” via brain chop. Lasted four seconds
- It’s the return of a former WWE Champion, a cross-brand, interlocking…something. A big name superstar. They make it sound like it’s Jericho returning. So of course it’s……THE MIZ! He’s back from filming his massive blockbuster Marine 7: Return of Saddam and he’s here to prove to the unappreciative WWE Universe that he’s a main event player. Y2J’s MUSIC HITS! JERICHO RETURNS! Miz runs him down and puts over his own accomplishments. He eats a Codebreaker out of nowhere! Jericho says he can’t wait to say these words: Raw! Is! Jer—THE WYATT’S MUSIC HITS! The lights come up and it’s The Wyatt Family! They attack him viciously. Harper hits a huge boot and Wyatt hits Sister Abigail, drilling Y2J into the mat. WOW.
6. Dolph Ziggler d. Fandango via Zig Zag. Another short match. During the match, Summer Rae just saunters into the ring in an electric pink dress and full-on tongue fucks Dolph. Fandango is pretty pissed. This allows Zigs to hit his finisher on a distracted Fandango for the win.
7. The Dust Brothers d. RybAxel via pinfall. Another good match. It’s amazing how Cody has adjusted his entire move set slightly as Stardust. He won with a half nelson, leg sweep Complete Shot.
- Paige is out to tell people that she has proven everyone wrong. She’s proven that she deserves to be the Diva’s Champion. AJ LEE’S MUSIC HITS! FUCK! She compliments Paige like crazy. Paige says she’s not stupid; she knows AJ wants a match right now, like the won Paige got. Paige says no one wants to see that. Oooh, seeds of a heel Paige turn. AJ disagrees, the fans cheer for the match and Paige reluctantly agrees to it!
8. WWE Diva’s Championship: AJ Lee d. Paige via small package.New champion!Just as short as their first match. Crowd went wild, too. Can’t wait for the rematch, a proper match likely at Battlegrounds.
9. John Cena & Roman Reigns d. Randy Orton & Kane via disqualification. Pretty good match. Ends in predictable DQ after Kane goes too far in an assault. Orton and Reigns brawl to the back. Kane gives Cena a tombstone piledriver. The refs check on Cena and Triple H motions to the back. Rollins is out here! He’s gonna cash in. As Trips and Kane threaten the referee to ring the bell to start the match despite Cena being unconscious, Ambrose shows up and brawls with Rollins through the crowd. Kane goes and gets a chair to decimate Cena, but Reigns shows back up and spears Kane. Show ends as Roman Reigns and Triple H have a long, drawn out stare down that gets a TON of awesome heat.
Overall: Great RAW! The middle hour, as it tends to do, sags and bores in many places. But you can’t sneeze at several good matches, two awesome ones, a returning WWE Hall of Famer and a title change. Plus, despite several logic issues to it, the show built pretty damn well to Battlegrounds.
Future Endeavor-able: Part 3
It’s been a really quiet couple of weeks since the WWE fired a bunch of guys that are already getting work on the indies so who fucking cares. It’s been a little…too quiet for my taste. They fired Vickie Guerrero on-screen and Josh Matthews was just sort of silently shoved out the back door, but no HUGE names leaving for good. Two weeks ago, I told you of several superstars that I thought would soon be meeting the corporate cleaver. Lana, for not actually doing anything of value. Titus O’Neil, for scaring a good portion of the WWE’s Christian base audience due to his being a big ol’ black guy. Santino, for aging into a sad clown type situation. The Miz…for being The Miz. Last week, I gave you even more names that will surely be fired before too long. Dean Ambrose, for turning dudes gay left and right. Rob Van Dam, because of old and on drugs. Xavier Woods, because fuck Xavier Woods. JoJo, because who? Anyway, there are more people that are gonna get fired. Yeah, I said more. MORE! Hey, I’m just the messenger, okay? You think I WANT these people to be fired? WELL I DON’T! I don’t want anyone getting fired from the WWE. I want everyone to chase their dreams, to get over with fans and tell great stories in and out of the ring and I want wrestling to thrive going forward. Unfortunately, wrestling is actually a nasty, no-good, bullshit, stab you in the back and fuck your disabled mother sideways kind of business. So let’s get to smashing dreams already. As with the last volumes, don’t bother getting offended by any of this, you cock-gobbling fanny fucker. It would not be classy.
Rey Mysterio: Hey, so there’s this guy named Kalisto in NXT. Unlike you, he’s not a fifty year old man with an eighty year old man’s knees. He’s also Mexican American and he’s also under a sweet mask and he has a cool ring name and he can do lucha stuff and oh my god, you really need this spelled out for you? Maybe this will help: you are Woody, he is Buzz Lightyear. They’re replacing you with a newer, flashier model. Sorry.
Summer Rae: You look like every girl at the bar that answered, “Can I buy you a drink?” with a roll of their eyes. That is soooo rude. We’re people, too, okay? You could have let us down gentler. You could have smiled and simply said you weren’t interested. But no, you had to take our dignity, too. Does it make me feel better that the guy you do say yes to will probably call you “Samantha” when he demands cab fair in the morning? Yeah, maybe. Pettiness always helps a little bit. But it does not completely erase the sting of rejection. Anyway, you’re mean and you have an unlikable face and I’m starting to think I brought extra baggage into this assessment. Whatever, fuck you. Sorry.
Goldust: You are any member of creative saying, “We should actually do something with Cody Rhodes” away from being let go. Look, you’re having a hell of a renaissance. You’re in the best shape of your life. You still have immense, underappreciated comedic timing. But you’re 45 years old. You made your WWF debut when I was, like, three. It’s just a matter of time before something–injury, fatigue, manopause, sassy bladder–sends you packing. Sorry.
Ricardo Rodriguez: You seem like a swell guy, but the WWE has no use for someone with Dusty Rhodes’s physique doing half-assed lucha stuff. If you shed some pounds, you could be the next Sin Cara once the current guy gets busted for, I don’t know, heroin I guess. But alas, that ain’t happening. Oh, you’re on the Spanish Announcer’s Team now? Yeah, boy, you’ll be SO TOUGH to replace there. Fuck, they won’t even replace you. They’ll just go back to a two man booth and forget your name entirely. Oh? What about Alberto Del Rio, you ask? Yeah, his character has shifted from a Mexican aristocrat to a mildly-annoyed Spanish-speaking nobody. You are not required for that. And no, you can’t do something else. There are no more branches on this tree for you to escape to, amigo. Sorry.
Justin Gabriel: You do a hand motion-less 450 Splash, which seems impossible but I’ve fucking seen you do it, so kudos to you. You are also the most boring mother fucker in the history of people who could do hand motion-less 450 Splashes. It’s astonishing. Commentary is always putting over how EXTREME you are. “He’s a crazy, extreme athlete,” they’ll say, “He parasails, mountain climbs, skydives, rides motorcycles through rings of fire, shoves his thumbs up wild animal rectums, bites children, humps cacti, stares at the sun and he once flew Dick Cheney to the hospital on a jetpack!” And then they cut to you and YOU’RE JUST FUCKING STARING OFF INTO THE ABYSS! You have permanent, “What was that thing I was supposed to do?” face. You’re a complete waste of physical skill. Sorry.
R-Truth: Drugs probably. Or the black thing. You and Kofi and Titus and Big E should really talk more. Sorry.
Damien Sandow: Your gimmick makes no sense. Are you actually smart? Because you look like a dumbshit. Are you pretending to be smart? Because you do say smart guy stuff occasionally. You can’t even match your robe to your tights though. Mentally-unstable people can match shit with other shit. This new thing where you dress up like people is just as confusing. Are you supposed to amuse us? Make us angry? I don’t understand you, Sandow. You’re either ahead of your time or you’re behind it or you’re just a nonsense gimmick. I dunno. Fuck you. Sorry.
Justin Roberts: Too tan. You’re too fucking tan. Sorry.
Sin Cara: Where do I even fucking begin? The biggest box-office draw in Mexico signs with the WWE and they immediately announce your new name, which sounds like a Portuguese perfume. Then you debut and oh what the fuck is THIS? Mood lighting? No, it’s a goddamn work veil. A fucking lucha cloak. They figured out early that NOBODY knew lucha in the whole flipping company so they said, “This guy would look best with as little illumination as possible”. If they could’ve put your matches on in darkness and made it interesting, they would have. But nothing would have helped. This was always doomed to fail. Then you got faaaaat and they gave up on you and did something crazy racist: they straight up replaced you with another brown guy. They even tried to play it up like it was you for a show or two even though he has a HUGE FUCKING CHEST TATTOO. But that guy’s fucked, too, because nobody cares about Sin Cara the wrestler anymore. They know the deal now. Sin Cara is no longer a character, but a commercial Mysterio progeny designed to move merchandise. And because people are idiots, the neon shirts and lucha masks will still sell well even without the actual wrestler around. Sorry.
The Bella “Twins”: In the WWE, getting humongous bazooka tits usually equals a big push for a Diva. And by “big push”, I mean Vince fucks you for a while and you get to hold a cute little championship during that time. But in this instance, Nikki’s new lady parts really screwed you over, Brie. You can’t really call yourself “twins” when you can readily identify one from another. You’re also currently shacking up with top-level WWE guys, and that NEVER works out for a Diva. It occasionally doesn’t work out for the wrestlers, but usually the chick ends up with the short straw. Don’t blame me, I don’t make the rules. Twin magic is dead. Sorry.
Jason Albert aka Baldo aka A-Train aka Giant Bernard aka Tensai: They probably finally figured out you were cashing eight checks as eight different personalities. Royalties as Albert and Tensai, actual work checks as yourself and out of work checks as literally five to twelve other people. You had to know that they’d catch on eventually. Still, pretty clever for a guy with pierced nips. Sorry.
Bray Wyatt: You’ve more than likely killed someone in the ring, that’s the reason you’re being let go. You’ve always been a “fuck your safety” kind of wrestler: you’re signature moves include a stiff running elbow to the sternum, a running leap on top of a guy, popping a guy up and elbowing his face on the way down, running full speed at a corned opponent and spinning a guy’s face directly into the mat. At some point, one of these guys is going to get hurt. In the case of that stiff elbow to the sternum, someone’s heart is gonna stop. My guess would be Mark Henry but that’s only a guess. Still, I supposed it’s possibly you were stupid enough to stiff one of the WWE’s genuine psychos like Orton or Ryback. Then they got their turn to take their shot and, well, they probably fucked your shit up beyond recognition. The lesson in that case is that, when portraying a fictional lunatic, don’t piss off a really one. And please don’t kill Mark Henry. Sorry.
Alex Riley: If a person looks into a mirror and says “douche bag” three times, I bet something resembling you magically appears. Your face is a douche face. Your voice is a douche voice. You’re just a smiling, gesturing fucking douche bag, Alex. Sorry.
Lilian Garcia: This can’t come as a surprise. The WWE treated you like shit for years and years, even occasionally making fun of your looks on-air for shits and giggles. This wasn’t some deplorable on-screen gag that would unite fans to cheer you on. This wasn’t a storyline. They made fun of you in a veiled, intended-to-be-secret way to amuse themselves. You’re a wonderful singer, fantastic ring announcer, and in an industry built upon phony personalities and bullshit personas, you always came across like a genuinely kind person. The only surprise is that they kept you this long, Sorry.
Adrian Neville (NXT): Oh man, you are AWESOME! There’s a reason you’re the current NXT Champion. You are the greatest high-flyer the WWE has ever had. If talking wasn’t a part of wrestling, you’d be a Hall of Famer for sure. But talking IS kind of important. It’s kind of important in life, really. So yeah, I can’t understand a goddamn thing you say. You talk like you’re trying to keep your tongue from leaping out of your mouth. You talk like a caveman gargling marbles. You talk like a…like a real bad talker…guy. Yeah. Sorry.
Los Matadores: When you’re the most Spanish thing that has ever appeared on WWE television and you can’t even stay on Zeb Colter’s deportation list, you really don’t matter at all. This was never, ever going to work. You can leave the bull though. He’s ADORABLE. Sorry.
David Otunga: You’re a slippery son of a bitch, I’ll give you that. You’ve somehow managed to appear on two of the last three WrestleMania’s despite not having a victory on RAW in well over two years. And while JTG was shown the door, you somehow hung around. Well done. Unfortunately, while JTG’s pink slip dodging ass saw people rooting for him to stay employed, you are just completely unlikeable. Your Wikipedia page currently lists one of your previous onscreen names as “David Otugnuts”. So either A) the WWE did that shit at some point for realsies or B) someone changed it and no one bothered to change it back because fuck you, that’s why. I’m gonna go with B. Sorry.
Alicia Fox: This new gimmick of going crazy and causing a scene is most likely based on reality shows where women go crazy and cause scenes. I think 80% of all reality shows are based on rigging a situation where calm, rational women get put in a pressure cooker and become blood-soaked feral monsters from hell, destroying everything in their path. Like those reality shows, yours is a short shelf life. There’s only so many ways to throw tantrums and mess with surrounding crew. You’re already basically repeating yourself. Sorry.
Tyson Kidd (NXT): Yeah, I designated you NXT because your goofy ass is never showing up on WWE television again. You just couldn’t get past that awful hairdo you had. For, like, five years your signature hairstyle was “small spiked front, shaved everywhere else.” Your hairstyle of CHOICE–and I can’t stress enough that you chose that look–resembled the consequence of an over-the-line bar bet at any level of drunkardom. That hair on a rushing college freshman could be used as direct evidence to build a hazing case against a fraternity. That hair is every Ugliest Dog in the World’s hairdo. What the fuck were you thinking? You have a lovely main of locks now, but it’s way too late. All anyone in creative sees now is that weird-ass spiky mess you had once upon a spastic electric razor. Sorry.
Erick Rowan: It’s nothing personal, it’s just that your ring name is boring and your outfit makes no sense and you never cut any promos and you may not even speak English and you don’t have much of a presence and you don’t look very intimidating and they care so little for your facial expressions that they cover them up with a sheep mask and you’re not a very entertaining wrestler and you lack basic in-ring skills and “old-school” is just another way of call you dull to your face and you don’t show off much strength and you’re slow and you’re so, so, so-so-so fucking boring. Again, nothing personal. Sorry.
Zeb Colter: You’re gonna slip up and say something truly horrific, I just know it. You’re gonna get tired of managing Swagger and you’ll take a shot at making some headlines. “Our backs are wet from working jobs and building communities,” you’ll say, “What are your backs wet from, Mexicans? Hopping fences and making babies?! The last thing this country needs is…” and then you’ll REALLY say some shit. I mean some REALLY messed up stuff. Like, stuff I won’t even say for funsies and whatnot. But the Mexican Johnny Cochrane–we’ll call him Juanito Cockfight–is gonna get wind of this shit and be all up in the WWE’s ass. And they can’t have that, you hilariously racist old man. Sorry.
Did you think that was it?! WELL IT’S NOT, YOU DICK! The epic Part Four conclusion comes next week!
- You should read Chris Bacon’s This Week in WWE TV for full results from last week’s new episodes of Monday Night RAW, Smackdown!, Main Event, NXT, Superstars, Heat, Velocity, Jakked, Metal, Shotgun Saturday Night and all the other shows WWE run on a weekly basis. It’s super comprehensive and color-coded. I dig it. Also, ask him to start doing live Raw results because then I won’t have to.
- Disagree with anything or everything I’ve written? Have something to say? Comment below! Also, apologies for any spelling, tense or punctuations errors. I am no a best grammar. Thanks for taking your time to read the column. You are a good person.