Justin Houston here with a buttery edition of Rubbed RAW! There’s no opinion piece this week because fuck you, I’m tired. All you’re getting is the RAW Recap, but it’s a phenomenally written recap full of swears and dick jokes I bet, so read it anyway. Last night at Battlegrounds, John Cena retained the WWE Title in a good match, The Usos retained their tag team titles in a fantastic match, AJ Lee retained her Diva’s Title, Rusev just barely stayed undefeated, The Miz won the Intercontinental Title via weasely nonsense and other shit happened, too, I think. Ambrose and Rollins did NOT have their scheduled match. Triple H cancelled it. Nobody had an opinion on that. READ MY SHIT!
– Triple H merrily skips to the ring to open our show. Trips says everyone is scared of him or something. He says he’s mad and sarcastically says he’s gonna tweet about it. He buries fans voicing opinions, social media and the audience. The audience laughs, because they are stupid. He says he always wins in the end. He says Cena will not be champion after SummerSlam, which is a guarantee. Orton comes out and whines. He blames Kane for the loss last night. Kane comes out and is all, “nuh-uh”. Roman Reigns is out now. He says nobody wants to see Cena face Orton or Kane. Reigns knocks Kane out with the Superman Punch and Orton slithers away. Trips books Kane & Orton versus Reigns and it’s right now. Weeee.
1. Roman Reigns d. Randy Orton & Kane via pinfall. I was really, really bored by this. Orton refused to tag in at the end, so Kane ate yet another Superman Punch and the spear. Orton teased re-entering, and then just left because there is nothing left to this character. Christ.
– I’m not gonna go into detail about what went down involving Stephanie McMahon, The Bellas and all the garbage leftover Diva’s, but ticket-holding Brie called Steph a bitch, McMahon slapped Brie and then four Diva’s defeated Nikki in a “match”. Nobody ran over Stephanie McMahon with a steamroller, but in my head, she was flattened by, like, nine of them. This is not building heat. This is lousy television. Fuck Stephanie McMahon.
– They continue to play this ridiculous game where Triple H is considering who’s going to face John Cena at SummerSlam. It’s Brock Lesnar. Amazon told us two weeks ago. Stop being stupid. BROCKLESNARBROCKLESNARBROCKLESNAR.
– Damien Sandow is out as LeBron James. Everybody boos. I guess we’re in Miami, I dunno. Oh yeah, FUCK, Sir Rida of Flos is here, of course we’re in Miami.
2. Bo Dallas d. LeDamian Jamdow via Bo-Dog. Fairly funny, but what the fuck IS Bo at this point? It’s so damn confusing.
– Bray Wyatt came out instead of Chris Jericho to host The Highlight Reel. They show the entire clip of the off-RAW beating The Wyatts gave Jericho that was on the app, except now it’s show on RAW so it’s…fuck it. Just fuck it. Wyatt says he unkillable or something? Rematch at SummerSlam? Rematch at SummerSlam. They show Jericho bleeding from the fucking ears backstage and no one seems all that concerned. R-Truth is there, poking Jericho’s neck and mumbling to himself, so we can rest assured he’s in the best medical care WWE has.
– Literally all the black wrestlers are trotted out to say “wassup” to Flo Rida. Dolph Ziggler and Emma are the only white peoples there, I assume because Big E gave Dolph an honorary black card at some point and because Emma has a criminal record or something? RACIST! Damn you, wrestling!
3. Dolph Ziggler d. The Miz via Zig Zag. Good match overall. Weak heat segment but a hot finish. Miz busted out a Side Effect, so he’s reached new levels of ripping wrestlers off. Otherwise, hey, maybe Dolph is getting a little pushy push again?
– Seth Rollins is backstage asking for a title match at SummerSlam. Trips makes up some shitty metaphor about poker to say, uh…no. Cesaro shows up wanting a title match and says HEYMAN CAN’T BREAKS UP WIF ME, I QUITS! So he’s not a Heyman Guy anymore. No shit! BORK IS BACK, YOU FUCK. No time for Swiss Supermen! Trips tell him to murder Ambrose in a match tonight and he might get one. NOT HAPPENING, MAN! NOT. HAPPENING.
4. AJ Lee & Paige d. Emma & Natalya via submission. AJ tagged in as Paige was stuck in the Sharpshooter, saving her in the process. She slapped Black Widow on Natalya for the tapout win. Afterwards, Paige celebrated the victory with Lee…AND THEN BEAT THE HELL OUT OF HER! HEEL TURN! YEAH! Man, this is far and away the best part of this dog shit show. Paige screams that this is her house and she SKIPS up the goddamn ramp. Wonderful.
5. Zack Ryder d. Fandango via pinfall. Yes, you read that correctly. Fandy had his foot on the ropes and Layla just knocked the damn thing off. She and Summer celebrated with Zack afterwards.
– Flo Rida is backstage. He says stuff. Heath Slater shows up, call him “Mr. Florida” and then gets beaten up by a rapper.
– Flo Rida performs. He tells me to put my hands up around 80 times. I do not oblige. Afterwards, Stephanie McMahon is arrested for battery. WHUUU?! Yeah, for slapping Brie earlier. It takes forever, but it gets a TON of heat. Brie Bella shows up, they start shouting at one another and it’s pretty chaotic. Backstage, Triple H is panicking and Steph is crying and yes, I still don’t care about any of this.
-In the absolute best backstage segment on RAW in ages, Joey Matthews basically helps Triple H convince himself that Stephanie can wait in prison for a bit while he makes his terribly important, already revealed WWE World Title decision.
6. RybAxel d. Kofi Kingston & Big E via pinfall. We got some good Hoss exchanges here, but too short to make an impact. Ryback countered a Kofi crossbody for the roll-up win. Afterwards, Xavier Woods shows up out of nowhere, dressed in a white suit wearing Malcolm X-esque glasses. He tells them that it’s time that they TAKE what is theirs. Oh man. WWE has neither the clout nor the creative talent to get away with an angle like this. Can’t wait to watch this blow up in their faces! Woooo!
7. Rusev d. The Great Khali via camel clutch. Short and, um, fine I guess.
– Another Goldust and Stardust promo. I don’t expound upon it in these write-ups, but their promos are always pretty damn funny.
8. Cesaro d. Dean Ambrose via disqualification. Good match, lots of brawling. Match ended when Dean smashed Cesaro’s arm with a chair, causing a DQ.
– Renee asks Triple H if he should be with his wife. He GLARES at her. GLAAAAARES!
– Triple H talking about stuff is our main event. He introduces John Cena’s opponent at SummerSlam: Randy Orton! Riiiight. Roman Reigns shows up and they brawl to the back. Trips looks beyond frustrated. Chants of “We Want Lesnar”. Paul Heyman copmes out and again offers his Plan C……as in CM PUNK! WHAT?! Hahaha, you FUCK. It’s Lesnar. He’s on the goddamn poster. He shakes Triple H’s hand. Paul Heyman gloats on the microphone for a while. They show Brock beating Taker at Mania again. Heyman continues. And continues. It’s probably fucking great, but this show has fucked my butthole and I just don’t care at all.
Overall: Unless they announce something must-see between now and next week, I don’t know if I’ll have the strength to get through another RAW like this. Everything was just so tedious. The best fucking thing on the PPV last night was The Usos tag match and I’m not sure that they got a single fucking mention on the show. One good match and one great one can’t make up for a small mesa of short, meaningless ones. A good heel turn and a heel getting arrested can’t make up for a fucking concert jammed into the center of RAW along with many, many needless promos from Trips about the SummerSlam main event. It was as idiotic and pointless as Triple H’s fan-ripping promo at the beginning. Trips is a whiny little bitch, and our tweeting is nowhere NEAR as bad as his pissy, self-absorbed promos. The show started with a sour taste in my mouth, and the taste never left.
– You should read Chris Bacon’s This Week in WWE TV for full results from last week’s new episodes of Monday Night RAW, Smackdown!, Main Event, NXT, Superstars, Heat, Velocity, Jakked, Metal, Shotgun Saturday Night and all the other shows WWE run on a weekly basis. It’s super comprehensive and color-coded. I dig it. Also, ask him to start doing live Raw results because then I won’t have to.
– Disagree with anything or everything I’ve written? Have something to say? Comment below! Also, apologies for any spelling, tense or punctuations errors. I am no a best grammar. Thanks for taking your time to read the column. You are a good person.