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Rubbed RAW – August 4th, 2014

RR1

Justin Houston here with a new edition of Rubbed RAW! All I did was the fucking Raw Recap. Raw sucked. Don’t watch Raw. Read my recap and go, “Man, I’m glad I jacked off that hitchhiker instead of watching Raw” or whatever you did. Something gross I bet. You’re gross. READ MY SHIT!

 

~~~~~

 

RAW Recap

– RAW is at the University of Texas. The Authority comes out. Like, all of them. Trips, Steph, Randall, Kane, Seth, Jugsworth, T-Bone, all of them. Triple H runs through the SummerSlam card and pimps the WWE Network fourty nine times. He says Rollins and Ambrose are going one on one at the PPV. THAT’S WHAT YA SAID AT THE LAST ONE, BITCH. There’s also some Beat the Clock thing with them, too. I dunno. I guess we’re getting a contract signing between Stephanie and Brie later as well. I will go take a shit during this time. That will be my shit break period. Orton versus Reigns is also announced. Orton starts shit-talking, so Reigns comes out. He wants Orton tonight. Triple H gives him Kane instead. It’s Last Man Standing. It’s right now. Fine, super. Hopefully we’re getting all the Authority bullshit out of the way early.

1. Last Man Standing: Roman Reigns d. Kane via ten count. Good match I guess. Crowd ate it up. I don’t know, I wasn’t terribly invested. Reigns bled a smidge and was chokeslammed through a table, but they want him to be John Cena now, so he survived and put Kane down with a DDT onto a chair, Superman Punch and the spear. They worked hard, but these two are ALWAYS doing shit together. I just don’t fucking care.

– They air a really long promo setting up SummerSlam’s main event. It’s really good I bet. It’s all half-truth, “shooty” stuff and it’s meant to REALLY drive home that Lesnar could totally beat Cena. Yeah, I already believe that. I don’t NEED this. I don’t even want it. I’d really like some more goddamn wrasslin’ please. Hey, SummerSlam only costs $9.99! DID YOU KNOW THIS?!?!

– Damien Sandow comes out dressed as an Oklahoma Sooner football player. He gets the crowd aggravated until his opponent comes out: MARK HENRY! HE’S ALIVE! And he’s in a Longhorn shirt.

2. Mark Henry d. Damihoma Sandooner via World’s Strongest Slam. Moving on.

– There’s an Adam Rose promo and it’s awful and I don’t care and you don’t care so let’s keep moving here.

– It’s Hulk Hogan’s 33rd birthday is next week. They’re celebrating live on RAW next week. There’s going to be surprise guests, including “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan probably, maybe The Nasty Boys, a hologram of Andre the Giant perhaps, I don’t know!

3. Beat the Clock: Dean Ambrose d. Alberto Del Rio via Dirty Deeds. Long ass match. I don’t know if it was any good because, again, I didn’t really care. Why am I supposed to care about this? This Beat the Clock shit? What if Ambrose LOST? Dean won in 15:42, so that’s how long Rollins has to beat RVD and he wins one of those clapper hat dealies. Like, with the hands on them and you pull a string and it claps? I think that’s what he wins.

– Rusev and Lana are in the ring now. Apparently, Rusev beat Sin Cara during the fucking break. Jesus Christ……anyway, she sings Happy Birthday to President Obama in Russian. Zeb and Jack show up. Coulter puts her down. Rusev beats up Swagger with his flag and goes after Zeb. Lana holds him back. I don’t have any fucking idea why. Whatever.

4. Dolph Ziggler d. Cesaro via Zig Zag. Short but super fun. Afterwards, Miz left commentary and posed with the Intercontinental Title.

– Paige promo. She, like, so totally misses her best friend AJ and hopes she heals up real soon. LIAR!

5. The Dust Brothers d. RybAxel via pinfall. Stardust got the pin in another short match. No mention of the cosmic key, at least none I caught.

– Backstage, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon are dry humping, when Kane walks in. He takes off his sweaty mask and leaves. Oh for fuck’s sake……

6. Chris Jericho d. Luke Harper via disqualification. Bray interfered via Asiatic Spike, which I’ve never seen him use before. He also hits Sister Abigail. We are told to follow buzzards. So Bray will have no one at his side during SummerSlam. Good, great.

7. Diego d. Fandango via Backstabber. Gooooooooooddamnit. So Fandy’s dance partner was Hornswoggle. He accidentally knock him off the apron, lost to Diego and then everyone, Horny included, danced around Fandango in a circle.

– Randy Orton did talky words.

8. Bo Dallas d. R-Truth via roll-up w/ tights. Another ultra-short match. Bo cheated to win so I don’t believe in anything anymore. Truth beat him down afterwards, but Bo hit him with the Bo Dog on the floor.

– Bray Wyatt made mouthy sounds.

– Before Rollins/RVD, we are informed that Seth’s opponent has changed. He’s now facing Heath Slater. Easy paycheck for RVD this week…

9. Beat the Clock: Heath Slater d. Seth Rollins via roll-up. YEP! Ambrose came out almost immediately to distract Rollins. He tore up Seth’s MITB contract, poured soda and popcorn into the case, and then jammed JBL’s hat in there before closing it. All the distractions finally allowed Slater to win. Ambrose now gets to pick the stipulation between himself and Rollins.

– Another week, another Stephanie McMahon main event. FUUUUUUCK YOU, WWE. Brie and sister come out. Brie gave a lousy babyface speak, Stephanie gave what would’ve been a great babyface speech but she’s supposed to get heat so it’s just masturbatory, and then the brawling starts. Several dumb things happen. Steph pedigrees Nikki and then Brie to end my nightmare.

Overall: I feel like the boy who cried wolf, but I don’t need this shit, man. I enjoyed Dean Ambrose fucking up a briefcase. That is NOT worth anyone’s three hours…fuck, MORE than three. Goddamnit, I feel like I lose part of my soul over this show every week, and a lot of my voice shouting at the TV screen. Fuck you, television. No, NO! I love you, television. This is RAW’s fault, not yours. If anything, I’M sorry. I make Monday Night RAW happen on your face every week. I dirty you unnecessarily with Vince McMahon’s offensive nonsense. Clearly, last week was a fluke. This week was garbage and mediocrity, top to bottom. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, OOOH Hogan’s birthday is next week! That sounds hilarious and I can’t wait to…ah fuck.

 

~~~~~

 

– You should read Chris Bacon’s This Week in WWE TV for full results from last week’s new episodes of Monday Night RAW, Smackdown!, Main Event, NXT, Superstars, Heat, Velocity, Jakked, Metal, Shotgun Saturday Night and all the other shows WWE run on a weekly basis. It’s super comprehensive and color-coded. I dig it. Also, ask him to start doing live Raw results because then I won’t have to.

– Disagree with anything or everything I’ve written? Have something to say? Comment below! Also, apologies for any spelling, tense or punctuations errors. I am no a best grammar. Thanks for taking your time to read the column. You are a good person.

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About Justin Houston

Justin Houston, born in a place many years ago, had parents who did stuff. He was raised in a house with a dog. He went to school and had friends probably. Then he moved because of a bridge or something. The boardwalk had a nice pier and a cockatoo that said "pretty bird!". Then he moved. All the water in the lake dried up and the fishes learned to dance. Then they forgot how. He ate lots of fish. Then he moved. Now he lives near Atlanta, GA, where he has been featured in the Atlanta Film Festival and recently did a tasteful spread for Maxim. He discovered puroresu in late 2005 and began a prolonged physical relationship with it. He then found out about Chikara Pro in early 2006 and fell in a smelly, brown puddle of love. He writes Pushing Puroresu, CHIKARMY Insider, and does Chikara DVD reviews because he enjoys the creative freedom, the melodic, ego-fueling sound of his own words, and because he was very politely asked to write them. He hopes this will lead to a full-time gig as one of the Fly Girls, but seeing as In Living Color has been off the air for over a decade, he's not sure how well that'll work. He'll probably be moving soon.

4 comments

  1. Funny stuff Justin. When you think about it. The Stephanie v. Brie match is the semi-main, in importance, match at this years SummerSlam. Meaning this is the semi-main follow up to CM Punk vs Brock from last year. This is what the biggest wrestling company, in the US at least, wants to promote as the semi-main on its second Biggest show of the year.

    No wonder so many people are just loving the G1 Climax Tournament. Good to great wrestling from pro-wrestlers at a pro-wrestling show. Crazy concept.

  2. The high level of anger you are capable of sustaining for three hours is impressive. I feel this task of reviewing Raw live every week is going to end with you getting a boner for murder. I happily DVR fast-forward my way through it every Tuesday evening while you’re forced to see it all in real time and pull your hair out.

    Also Wyatt used the spike a couple of times in developmental when he first got the thumb doo-hicky after returning from brief injury I think.

    Also I miss you.

  3. Thanks Mark! I totally agree regarding Steph/Brie. It really is the second biggest match on the second biggest show of the year. It’s insanity. The Usos absolutely tear the place up at Battleground and they’re barely featured on Raw since. The Paige/AJ feud can’t get the heat it needs because ZERO time is devoted to doing so. All the feuds are segmented, too, so we get five minutes of Zigs/Miz, five of Y2J/Wyatt and five of Swagger/Rusev. Just enough time to remind you that they’re feuding, not enough to actually get any lasting heat or do anything interesting. Then Steph/Brie gets twenty minutes and four video packages. The WWE just doesn’t use it’s time well. Cena & Lesnar, who have PLENTY of heat on history alone going into SummerSlam, weren’t even ON Raw and I felt like I saw those two more than 3/4 of the other PPV participants thanks to the video segments.

    And yeah, G1 has been fantastic. Thanks again.

  4. Yeah, others have said I should DVR it. I dunno, that feels like I’m cheating the concept. I review Monday Night Raw, all of it, not just the parts of Raw I feel like reviewing. It may come to that eventually…or I could just give up altogether. Or I could just start outright lying in the results, making up all manner of much more interesting stuff. We’ll see I guess.

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