Justin Houston here with a new edition of Rubbed RAW! All I did was the fucking Raw Recap. Raw sucked. Don’t watch Raw. Read my recap and go, “Man, I’m glad I jacked off that hitchhiker instead of watching Raw” or whatever you did. Something gross I bet. You’re gross. READ MY SHIT!
– RAW is at the University of Texas. The Authority comes out. Like, all of them. Trips, Steph, Randall, Kane, Seth, Jugsworth, T-Bone, all of them. Triple H runs through the SummerSlam card and pimps the WWE Network fourty nine times. He says Rollins and Ambrose are going one on one at the PPV. THAT’S WHAT YA SAID AT THE LAST ONE, BITCH. There’s also some Beat the Clock thing with them, too. I dunno. I guess we’re getting a contract signing between Stephanie and Brie later as well. I will go take a shit during this time. That will be my shit break period. Orton versus Reigns is also announced. Orton starts shit-talking, so Reigns comes out. He wants Orton tonight. Triple H gives him Kane instead. It’s Last Man Standing. It’s right now. Fine, super. Hopefully we’re getting all the Authority bullshit out of the way early.
1. Last Man Standing: Roman Reigns d. Kane via ten count. Good match I guess. Crowd ate it up. I don’t know, I wasn’t terribly invested. Reigns bled a smidge and was chokeslammed through a table, but they want him to be John Cena now, so he survived and put Kane down with a DDT onto a chair, Superman Punch and the spear. They worked hard, but these two are ALWAYS doing shit together. I just don’t fucking care.
– They air a really long promo setting up SummerSlam’s main event. It’s really good I bet. It’s all half-truth, “shooty” stuff and it’s meant to REALLY drive home that Lesnar could totally beat Cena. Yeah, I already believe that. I don’t NEED this. I don’t even want it. I’d really like some more goddamn wrasslin’ please. Hey, SummerSlam only costs $9.99! DID YOU KNOW THIS?!?!
– Damien Sandow comes out dressed as an Oklahoma Sooner football player. He gets the crowd aggravated until his opponent comes out: MARK HENRY! HE’S ALIVE! And he’s in a Longhorn shirt.
2. Mark Henry d. Damihoma Sandooner via World’s Strongest Slam. Moving on.
– There’s an Adam Rose promo and it’s awful and I don’t care and you don’t care so let’s keep moving here.
– It’s Hulk Hogan’s 33rd birthday is next week. They’re celebrating live on RAW next week. There’s going to be surprise guests, including “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan probably, maybe The Nasty Boys, a hologram of Andre the Giant perhaps, I don’t know!
3. Beat the Clock: Dean Ambrose d. Alberto Del Rio via Dirty Deeds. Long ass match. I don’t know if it was any good because, again, I didn’t really care. Why am I supposed to care about this? This Beat the Clock shit? What if Ambrose LOST? Dean won in 15:42, so that’s how long Rollins has to beat RVD and he wins one of those clapper hat dealies. Like, with the hands on them and you pull a string and it claps? I think that’s what he wins.
– Rusev and Lana are in the ring now. Apparently, Rusev beat Sin Cara during the fucking break. Jesus Christ……anyway, she sings Happy Birthday to President Obama in Russian. Zeb and Jack show up. Coulter puts her down. Rusev beats up Swagger with his flag and goes after Zeb. Lana holds him back. I don’t have any fucking idea why. Whatever.
4. Dolph Ziggler d. Cesaro via Zig Zag. Short but super fun. Afterwards, Miz left commentary and posed with the Intercontinental Title.
– Paige promo. She, like, so totally misses her best friend AJ and hopes she heals up real soon. LIAR!
5. The Dust Brothers d. RybAxel via pinfall. Stardust got the pin in another short match. No mention of the cosmic key, at least none I caught.
– Backstage, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon are dry humping, when Kane walks in. He takes off his sweaty mask and leaves. Oh for fuck’s sake……
6. Chris Jericho d. Luke Harper via disqualification. Bray interfered via Asiatic Spike, which I’ve never seen him use before. He also hits Sister Abigail. We are told to follow buzzards. So Bray will have no one at his side during SummerSlam. Good, great.
7. Diego d. Fandango via Backstabber. Gooooooooooddamnit. So Fandy’s dance partner was Hornswoggle. He accidentally knock him off the apron, lost to Diego and then everyone, Horny included, danced around Fandango in a circle.
– Randy Orton did talky words.
8. Bo Dallas d. R-Truth via roll-up w/ tights. Another ultra-short match. Bo cheated to win so I don’t believe in anything anymore. Truth beat him down afterwards, but Bo hit him with the Bo Dog on the floor.
– Bray Wyatt made mouthy sounds.
– Before Rollins/RVD, we are informed that Seth’s opponent has changed. He’s now facing Heath Slater. Easy paycheck for RVD this week…
9. Beat the Clock: Heath Slater d. Seth Rollins via roll-up. YEP! Ambrose came out almost immediately to distract Rollins. He tore up Seth’s MITB contract, poured soda and popcorn into the case, and then jammed JBL’s hat in there before closing it. All the distractions finally allowed Slater to win. Ambrose now gets to pick the stipulation between himself and Rollins.
– Another week, another Stephanie McMahon main event. FUUUUUUCK YOU, WWE. Brie and sister come out. Brie gave a lousy babyface speak, Stephanie gave what would’ve been a great babyface speech but she’s supposed to get heat so it’s just masturbatory, and then the brawling starts. Several dumb things happen. Steph pedigrees Nikki and then Brie to end my nightmare.
Overall: I feel like the boy who cried wolf, but I don’t need this shit, man. I enjoyed Dean Ambrose fucking up a briefcase. That is NOT worth anyone’s three hours…fuck, MORE than three. Goddamnit, I feel like I lose part of my soul over this show every week, and a lot of my voice shouting at the TV screen. Fuck you, television. No, NO! I love you, television. This is RAW’s fault, not yours. If anything, I’M sorry. I make Monday Night RAW happen on your face every week. I dirty you unnecessarily with Vince McMahon’s offensive nonsense. Clearly, last week was a fluke. This week was garbage and mediocrity, top to bottom. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, OOOH Hogan’s birthday is next week! That sounds hilarious and I can’t wait to…ah fuck.
– You should read Chris Bacon’s This Week in WWE TV for full results from last week’s new episodes of Monday Night RAW, Smackdown!, Main Event, NXT, Superstars, Heat, Velocity, Jakked, Metal, Shotgun Saturday Night and all the other shows WWE run on a weekly basis. It’s super comprehensive and color-coded. I dig it. Also, ask him to start doing live Raw results because then I won’t have to.
– Disagree with anything or everything I’ve written? Have something to say? Comment below! Also, apologies for any spelling, tense or punctuations errors. I am no a best grammar. Thanks for taking your time to read the column. You are a good person.