Justin Houston here with a bangarang edition of Rubbed RAW! This week, it’s the RAW Recap, same as every goddamn week. This shouldn’t need explaining. READ MY SHIT!
– It’s Hulk Hogan’s birthday today and the entrance ramp is littered with red and yellow presents! So naturally we kick the show off with…Brock Lesnar! Paul Heyman runs down Undertaker and The Rock and Cena just a week before SummerSlam. They mention their last match together. Heyman says Cena won the match, but Lesnar was 50% for that match because of diverticulitis and Cena still got the worse beating. Heyman ends with a snappy rap putting down Cena. He calls this Brock’s house now.
– Before Roman Reigns’s match with Kane, Corporate Kane comes out. He flubs his lines a bit before announcing his opponents: Ryback and Curtis Axel. Uhhhhh, fine, great.
1. Roman Reigns d. RybAxel via disqualification. They beat him up for too long on the outside, forcing the ref to DQ the two brutes. Afterwards, they tried to continue the beating and Reigns just tore them apart. The audience loved it. I thought it was great, too. Renee entered the ring, asking him if he’s ready for Orton. He smiles and asks the crowd if he looks ready. He cuts a fine promo, but it’s…a little too kid-pandering for me. Smiles and hooting and shit. I don’t enjoy seeing Roman Reigns do those things. All his promos should be Tweet length.
– Backstage, Kane says Orton is facing Sheamus tonight. Best for business, he says. Cool.
2. Seth Rollins d. Rob Van Dam via Curb Stomp. Good match. Afterwards, as he’s walking up the ramp, Rollins gets paranoid and starts shaking a man-sized Hogan gift. He thinks Ambrose is in there. He laughs, realizing how crazy that OH MY GOD, HE’S IN THERE! He bursts out and pounces on Rollins, chasing Seth into the crowd.
– Stephanie McMahon is out now. She talks about Daniel Bryan’s rehab, introducing us to his rehab specialist, Megan. Oh for fuck’s sake. Everybody knows where this going and no one wants this to go there. My girlfriend muttered “oh, don’t do this” as soon as this bitch was shown on the screen. She comes in the ring, and Steph tells her to confess what she wants to confess. Megan says she boned Bryan, perhaps continues to bone him. Brie comes down. Stephanie looks amused. Stephanie is making a lot of sex jokes right now. Well, “jokes” anyway. Brie slaps Megan and applies the Yes Lock on Stephanie. Agents show up to break it up and Stephanie says that she and Brie are finishing things TONIGHT! CAN IT BE?! No, no I won’t believe it ‘til I see it. But fuck, the idea of this shit being FINISHED is positively boner-inducing.
3. Jack Swagger d. Cesaro via ankle lock. Awesome match. Cesaro busted out a sliding uppercut and really focused on Jack’s injured ribs, but it wasn’t enough. Afterwards, Zeb Coulter runs down Lana and Rusev.
– They show a pre-taped segment between Bray Wyatt and Chris Jericho. Wyatt dismisses Michael Cole four seconds into the thing. This is aping “Silence of the Lambs” big time, with Bray trying to get in Jericho’s head. This whole fucking thing feels really, really weird. Why the fuck wouldn’t they just do this in the ring? In a WRESTLING ring on a WRESTLING show? Jericho just scowls through Wyatt’s words. My girlfriend calls it the weirdest thing ever. If Wyatt had been slowly shoving jelly beans in his nose throughout, I might agree. Jericho says he’s gonna shut Wyatt up for good. Segment ends.
4. Eva Marie d. AJ Lee via roll-up. Paige provided a distraction. AJ beat the fuck out of Eva afterwards but did not murder her. Sad face.
– John Cena’s out now. He says Brock is gonna do a lot of things at SummerSlam, but winning isn’t one of them. He runs through his chants. He says some people in the WWE Universe have asked when Cena is going to turn, saying enough is enough. He’s teasing a heel turn? Or, just, not being a dough-faced corporate bitch? I dunno. He says he’s going to become a beast to beat The Beast. He invites Brock to come down and kick him out of “his house”. Brock doesn’t show. Cena goes OFF on him, finally saying he will conquer the conqueror, he’ll be the one that’s beats the one, and the champ will still be here! Strong promo selling SummerSlam’s main event.
– Of course it was too good to be true. Stephanie says Megan is pressing charges against Brie Bella. The police show up to arrest her. UUUUUGGGGGHHHHH. Stephanie rubs it in. Fuck this company. I can’t even make fun of this, it’s just too exhausting to endure.
5. Heath Slater d. Dolph Ziggler via countout. The Miz is on commentary. JBL accidentally unplugged Miz’s headset and all hell broke loose for about thirty seconds. It was pretty great. The match itself was good, with Slater getting in some really good nearfalls. Zigs chased Miz around the ring and up the ramp, allowing Slater to win yet again. Afterwards, Slater faked a handshake to Ziggler and went for a gut kick, but Ziggler caught it and spun him around into the Zig Zag.
6. Randy Orton d. Sheamus via RKO. Another strong match. Sheamus came off the top with a shoulder tackle and Orton caught him with the RKO.
– It’s Hulk Hogan’s birthday celebration! Jimmy Hart, Gene Okerlund and most of the roster are here to celebrate. They show an unreal video package of his career. We come back to a thunderous ovation from the crowd. Gene quips we could be here all night. Hulk gives a really night speech, thanking his Hulkamaniacs and even quipping about the price of the WWE Network. Ric Flair comes out! Mr. Wonderful is here, hamming it up like crazy. HOT ROD! Roddy Piper is here! God, everyone is glaring at everyone like they’re all gonna scrap. NWO REUNION! Nash and Hall are here! So many reaction shots of Hulk just kind of shaking his head during this. Anyone else? Hall gets in a “hey yo”, says Hulk looks good in red but looked better in black. Hulk rips his shirt and there’s an NWO shirt underneath! Nash sings happy birthday…UNTIL BROCK LESNAR SHOWS UP! But it’s his berfday, Bork! Lesnar says the party’s over…grandpa. HOW DARE YOU. Cena comes down in red and yellow, threatening Lesnar. Brock smiles and leaves. The show ends. No, I’m not reviewing WWE Network Raw, so I’m not writing about what happened AFTER the television show. Fuck you.
Overall: Completely bipolar episode of RAW. Several matches were good to great, while several segments (STEPHANIE MCMAHON, YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS…) were not very good at all. I’m gonna give RAW one last try, the night after SummerSlam. If I get one more of these fucking up-and-down episodes or just a flat-out dogshit…look, if Stephanie McMahon or Triple H is still out here every week fucking chattering away, I’m bailing. Period. See you after SummerSlam.
– You should read Chris Bacon’s This Week in WWE TV for full results from last week’s new episodes of Monday Night RAW, Smackdown!, Main Event, NXT, Superstars, Heat, Velocity, Jakked, Metal, Shotgun Saturday Night and all the other shows WWE run on a weekly basis. It’s super comprehensive and color-coded. I dig it. Also, ask him to start doing live Raw results because then I won’t have to.
– Disagree with anything or everything I’ve written? Have something to say? Comment below! Also, apologies for any spelling, tense or punctuations errors. I am no a best grammar. Thanks for taking your time to read the column. You are a good person.